What I'm struggling with

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm having a hard time it seems opening up to people sometimes. I still get the FOG especially when talking/hanging out with members of the opposite sex. Like there is some way that my BPDex could use that information against me. How did you guys get past doing things for their satisfaction after you left. How did you start to work past those feelings that ex wouldn't be happy with me doing this.

[ForMySon]

I'm having a hard time it seems opening up to people sometimes. I still get the FOG especially when talking/hanging out with members of the opposite sex. Like there is some way that my BPDex could use that information against me. How did you guys get past doing things for their satisfaction after you left. How did you start to work past those feelings that ex wouldn't be happy with me doing this.

[bunny4523]

Hello,

Well this is a hard one... .I think everyone has to do it at their own pace.  I got tired of hiding and started to realize that I deserved to be happy.  I think it helped when others would tell me that too.  I work with my exBPD so it was especially hard for me, I felt like I had to keep my private life quiet.  He didn't find out I was dating until a couple weeks before I got married.  I just didn't want the drama or retaliation.

Actually now that I think about it... .someone accidentally outed me at work.  I told a few close friends that I work with about getting married and she asked me in the break room in front of another employee.  At that point, I just had to go with it. 

I understand your fear because BPD are so unpredictable and we don't want the drama or the waves to start.  Problem is we can't really control that and we get the waves/drama anyways don't we?  So what do you really have to lose?

As far as opening up... .just take your time.  Nothing wrong with that.  You'll know when it's safe to share yourself - you will feel comfortable.  It takes time to trust someone or it SHOULD take time to trust someone.

Bunny

[joeramabeme]

Good question!

The "FOG" lingered for a long time afterwards and in ways that I began to notice months later.  How I cleaned the house, cooked dinner, which direction I drove to the mall . . . 

For me, it just took time.  Times when I drove to the mall and had an internal conversation giving myself permission to go the way I liked.  Cooked dinner and ate it the way I liked.  Cleaned the house without taking a walk through afterwards and rating my performance compared to the professional cleaners.  WOW!  It just took time approving of my own way of doing things.

With women, it took longer.  Even after the divorce, having a women stay over felt like cheating on my wife.  It was hard and honestly a little more than a year out, I am still un-entangling myself from the emotional network spun by her words.

Keep doing what you KNOW to be the right thing for you.  GO easy on yourself.  Take the time to talk these things through.  It does get easier but also takes time.

[bengaltropicat]

I was married to a BPD for 28 years.  Don't even bother trying to explain your experience to regular people.  They have no clue what you are talking about and cannot relate. 

They will tell you that you will be fine, try to work it out, etc.  That just doesn't happen with BPD people.

Do speak with a qualified (someone with real life experience with BPD and / or NPD) therapist.  Unless a person has had first hand experience with a BPD, they cannot understand.  It's like the difference between a grain of sand and a beach, bigger and way different than the garden variety conflicts that arise in so called normal relationships.

When you do encounter someone who understands and has had experience with BPD, they get it right away because BPD'd people behave within a spectrum of coping behaviors that are very similar (gas lighting, crazy making, FOG, extreme manipulation, etc. ).

No contact is the only remedy for being involved with a BPD, the only one that works anyway.