I think my brother has a problem, perhaps with BPD

[Tabun]

Hello. It has taken me much time to approach. It is a long sad story and I do not want to bore people, but Iam beginning to strongly suspect that the problems my family has with my brother, may be due to BPD. I dont know where to begin. It has affected me and my family very much and resorted to me drinking, and my mother also, not as  alcoholics as I and I think she can do without for weeks, but it helps me escape and when there are issues, I head for the vodka. I realize I need a better way to deal with this.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Tabun:  
We are glad you decided to join our community.  I'm so sorry your family is having problems with your brother.

I am beginning to strongly suspect that the problems my family has with my brother, may be due to BPD.

Can you share some of the behaviors that cause problems in the family?

I head for the vodka. I realize I need a better way to deal with this.

I'ts good to have some thing to do to self soothe and reduce stress.  Check out the list of links below.  Something there can offer you an opportunity to learn a new healthy way to deal with stress.  Try a couple out.  Then, next time when you start to go for the Vodka, try something new to improve the moment, instead of the vodka.  The best way to deal with a bad habit is to create a new healthy one.  Which new habit can you try?

IMPROVE THE MOMENT WORKSHEET
www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/improve_the_moment_worksheet.html

PANIC LIST
www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/panic_list.html

12 minute Thought Stream Meditation with Dr. Mike Dow
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0Lo5tUXkVI

Breathing: Three Exercises - Dr. Weil
www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART00521/three-breathing-exercises.html

Finding Alternative Thoughts
www.dbtselfhelp.com/FindingAlternativeThoughts.pdf

MINDFULNESS EXERCISE - FROM BOOK" HAPPINESS TRAP"
https://www.thehappinesstrap.com/upimages/Informal_Mindfulness_Exercises.pdf

Take care.  We look forward to hearing more of your story.  

[Fie]

Hello Tabun  

Welcome !
I am sure you will find some peace here that you so well deserve.

I wanted to reach out to you and tell you that I also used to drink too much. Never as an alcoholic, as you also stated for yourself, but looking back I did drink as a way to escape. I live in a country where it's a part of the culture to drink, so it never really seemed problematic to me - but it actually was.

NN has given you some useful tips. I personally stopped drinking when I started meditating. I did not meditate in order to be able to stop drinking, it actually happened the other way around : I felt I wanted a clear head to meditate. Or maybe not even in the beginning, it was actually more unconscious : I just noticed that I had stopped.


Do you want to tell us a bit more about your situation ? Do you still live with your parents ? Does your brother ?

This is a safe place to vent. People all have at least one BPD loved one in their lives. Never in my whole life have I found people like here, who just 'get it'.

Again, welcome !
xx

[Tabun]

Thanks for replies. I kept checking in last night, but as we are 8 hours ahead or more of the USA, I was probably asleep when you both replied. Okay so you have helped me know where to begin:
1. My brother has grown children as I do, we do not live together, therefore.
2. It is not so customary for women my age to drink, esp not as I do in my country. When I get so upset I can have two vodkas that day or even three, I am ashamed to say.
3. I will def look at the options listed above-thank you so much.

4.My brother has always been in need of money, despite a business in his profession, in which his work is well respected, somehow he is always in need and never ever will share why. It was never a huge problem, just a mystery. In general, he is well loved by people, charming, kindly, loved by children. He is an excellent and devoted father (which is in opposition to all that I have read). If confronted or things are not done his way, by the wife, or siblings, he just cannot accept it. HE will tell his wife to stop the car in the middle of a highway and get out, for example. Or stomp out of the house and be gone for hours. Now two or three years ago, my sister and I each lent him 25,000$, in order to help him. He promised this would get him out of his debt, which he made all sorts of lies about why he had this debt. He lies a lot. We did this because he wanted to sell his third of inheritance land we got from my father. We did not want a stranger owning the land with us. The deal was that when we sell the land, he would repay. All oral (who would ever imagine theneed for written?).

Then, my mother began acting strangely, "saving pennies" etc, being stingy with herself, not buying new clothes, looking a bit shabby. We went into her account and realized that over the previous five or 6 years she had given him a total of 600,000$. I was just sick to my stomach. This was my father's hard earned work that he had put aside for her, knowing he would not live much after 60 due to disease. We put a stop to him "borrowing" money from our elderly mother, and my brother turned on us, and sold his third of inheritance behind our back to a stranger and wont pay us back; he lies about how the money is all tied up in taxes and etc. We were all a close family once. My mom, who lost a son and husband to disease, now has this horrible situation in her life. It breaks my heart. I hired a private detective to see if he is gambling or involved in the black market or some criminal activity etc. He is not. I have no idea where so much money went. Then I went to a psychologist to see if we could all confront him to see why he always needs such enormous amounts of money, help him get out of the mess, (he does not live like a wealthy man). The psychologist suggested absolutely not to confront him and said he has BPD. I was in shock. She didnt even meet him. I started researching it and not everything fits- like his way of fathering. His wife constantly calls me to tell me things about how he is, and then I get dragged back into it- the hurt, the worry, the shock, etc. I want to help him somehow if he is sick but have no idea where or how to. When I see my mom so sad (she is now living with me and my family 6 months a year), it is unbearable. Then to get on, look normal to my family and live my routine, I sometimes turn to vodka. It is horrible. I am ashamed of myself, of my brother, of how my childhood family turned out. Out of six members, what is left? Hope this is not too long. Just writing this makes me cry.