BPD step-daughter

[orthoRN]

Hi All, I'm the step-mother of a 16 year old. I've been with my husband for 11 years and have helped raise her this whole time. Right around the time she was in 8th grade her grades dropped dramatically and we found out she was cutting. We put her in therapy and had her see a psychiatrist, flash forward a year later and we found out she was lying to everyone about being in a better place. She was cutting, drinking, smoking (pot and cigarettes), and then jumped to unsafe sex and overdosing on motrin. She ended up in inpatient psychiatric facility and we've been monitoring her much closer. It wasn't until last year that we found out she had severe abandonment issues from her mother leaving when she was 2 and then she was molested by a 14 year old when she was 8.

This has been a huge roller-coaster, because she had been hiding all of the hurt. She has been getting better in many areas, but this seems like a constant struggle. She usually takes her anger out on me (the step-mother). Her therapist recently brought up her borderline personality disorder tendancies. It's very scary how much it fits. She pushes people away at any conflict, sees us as either saints or sinners, its all or nothing, and the constant personal drama and conflict with her peers.

I guess what i'm trying to ask is, when does this get better?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

Hi orthoRN, 



I'm sorry to hear that. I'd like to welcome you to the group, it has to be really hard to see a teenager go through that. Black and white thinking is not uncommon with teenagers, in fact that's a reason why professionals don't like to diagnose teenagers.

To answer your question, when does it get better? I think that it starts getting better now, you registered on the site, it helps to talk to others that are going through something similar, you're not alone, we can offer you guidance and advice.

I'd suggest to read as much as you can about the disorder, there is a fundamental logic to the behaviors, it helps to understand why your SD16 acts the way that she does. It's a something that she's going through, it helps us to rate ourselves from our pwBPD and understand that it's not personal. Become indifferent to the behaviors and depersonalize it.

One of the most important things is self care, it's more important when you a family member that suffers from a mental illness, you don't want to burn the candle at both ends, you feel better and less emotionally distressed. Are you seeing a T? ( Therapist ) is your H supportive with SD16?

[livednlearned]

Hi orthoRN,

It really is a roller coaster. You have compassion for your SD, and worry about her, meanwhile she targets her rage toward you. That has to hurt.

How are you doing with all of this?

I guess what i'm trying to ask is, when does this get better?

I read a study that said BPD in teens seems to peak at 16.

This appears to be true for my SO's D20, who had a psychotic episode at 16.

Have you read Blaise Aguirre's BPD in Adolescence? He has a few youtube videos that are also very enlightening.

One skill that has helped a lot with D20 is asking her validating questions (there is a book about this called I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better by the Lundstroms).

I also found In Search of the Real Self by James Masterson to help explain what were such confounding behaviors.

What kind of relationship does your H have with D16?