Sister newly diagnosed with BPD... feeling so lonely

[imua]

Hey all,

So this all started years ago, when my sister and I were little kids. I remember watching her cut herself with a pill slicer. She would press the blade down on her finger until it bled because "it felt good". She once wrote a suicide note to her stuffed animals (she was 7). I got scared and showed the note to my parents, who thought it was funny and laughed it off. Her emotional outbursts throughout the years led me to distance myself as we grew older.

In January, I got a call from a family member telling me that she was brought to the hospital by police after making suicidal threats to a friend. This was when she was diagnosed with BPD. This crushed her, since she interpreted the difficult treatment as her being "incurable". Since then, she has made suicide threats almost weekly. I spend a lot of my time trying to convince her not to kill herself. She has made numerous attempts, but the fact that her boyfriend lives with her is comforting to me, since he is an extra set of eyes to keep her safe.

The other night, she messaged me saying that her boyfriend left her (he didn't, he just wanted to do something else instead of meet her after work... .that's all). She said that life is hopeless, she doesn't want to live anymore, and she is tired of being a burden. Then she stopped messaging me. I left work early to call the police to find her. She was found, brought to the hospital, but this time was released that night because the admitting physician determined that she was not a risk to herself, even though she tried jumping from an overpass right before police found her. The doctor told me that she said she will go to therapy, even though she quits therapy anytime she is triggered.

I was devastated. I drove her home, and she treated me like scum the whole ride home, giving me these nasty little looks that made me want to slap her across the face. How dare she? How dare she break my heart so much, cause me so much anxiety and sleepless nights, and have the audacity to treat me like that? I wanted to kick her to the curb. But, I dropped her off at home, said nothing to her, and I drove home.

I have since blocked her calls and messages. I don't want the burden of her suicide threats interfering my life anymore. She got discharged hours after attempting to kill herself. I feel so helpless. I'd rather cut ties with her for good. Then maybe it won't hurt so bad when I find out she succeeded. The worst part... .no one at all understands, and I feel so lonely... .

[imua]

Once, months ago, she told me "You don't care! You don't even love me!"

I responded with "I do love you. I love you and I wish I didn't."

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Imua:      

I'm so sorry about your sister's problem with suicide ideations and attempts.  I hear that it has been a huge burden for you.  How disappointing for you to go to great lengths to help your sister, only to have her so promptly discharged from a care facility.  Is your sister currently in any form of treatment with meds or therapy?  :)oes she have others to give her support?

It likely differs in accordance with where you live.  I've had a therapist share with me that she gets calls from people who are looking for therapy, after a suicide attempt.  She says that hospitals discharge them, without any referrals for follow up care.  It doesn't seem like a good strategy, but can be the norm in some communities.

I have since blocked her calls and messages. I don't want the burden of her suicide threats interfering my life anymore. She got discharged hours after attempting to kill herself. I feel so helpless. I'd rather cut ties with her for good. Then maybe it won't hurt so bad when I find out she succeeded. The worst part... .no one at all understands, and I feel so lonely... .

You can't be responsible for your sister, or to carry the burden to make sure she won't kill herself on a given day.  Perhaps you can set some healthy BOUNDARIES with your sister.  Boundaries are for you and your well being.  They are up to you to defend and consistently enforce (without someone agreeing to them).  Maybe a therapist could help you come up with some boundaries in regard to your sister's suicide talk/threats.  For example: perhaps you become less involved personally, other than to make a call for emergency assistance for your sister.  If you decide to resume contact via text and phone, perhaps you can set a boundary to limit suicide talk.  If she doesn't have a therapist, that could be a requirement. If she needs to be on some meds, that could be another requirement, etc.

My understanding is that family of suicidal people can call suicide prevention hotlines to talk through their situations and gain support.  It can be helpful, sometimes to just pick up the phone and talk to someone who is well versed on suicide.

One approach could be to maintain no contact (NC) with your sister for awhile and take some time to take care of yourself.  Some people go back and forth between NC and limited contact (LC).

The thread below discusses suicidal ideation.  You are probably familiar with a lot of the information, but the discussions within the posts might be helpful:
SUICIDE IDEATION IN OTHERS

[mEveIn106]

Hi Imua,
I also have a sister with BPD and mustered the courage to join this website. Reading your story was very powerful as I relate so much to your experience. The self harm behaviors, suicidal idealization/attempts, abusive language etc etc... .

I am at a point right now where I would like nothing but to distance myself from her. She is not a positive light in my life and no matter what I try to do to help her, I always end up being blamed, ignored, accused etc.

Boundaries are important so I try my hardest to stick with them when I can. I think it's time I/We start protecting ourselves and our family that loves and supports us. Just bc we are blood related and 'family' does not make us obligated or responsible for their life, their health or their behaviors. It's easier said than done, I know, but this is what I'm trying to practice and I hope you decide to join me too, bc you are not alone, ever, even when you feel so lonely.

best wishes to us,

mEveIn   

[wantyousafe]

I think that the sibling of somebody with BPD is in the same position as the child of a BPD; we had no choice in the matter, either to create a child or to fall in love. In terms of general fairness... .it's not!
There are also the expectations that you will toe the line and take care of the "frailer" sibling but this doesn't take account of the fact that you may have other issues or have fought hard to overcome them(for example,surviving the menopause in my case).
You may have your own family; spouses and children, and to my mind, they come first,second and third.
You will have also lived for a lot of your live knowing that things are not right but without the capacity or knowledge to do anything about it.
In a way, I was glad that I read about BPD because it gave me an explanation for what was going on with my sister but on the other hand, I now have the dilemma of knowing that my sister needs help but having no idea how to approach the subject and it's made me feel more helpless and guilty!
I've read all the advice about not JADEing, and SET etc. but they just made me want to scream so I've gone for non-communication rather than going crazy but because my parents are deceased, there were no family pressures.
What I think is that we should just be prepared to give ourselves a break and if other family members don't like that, tough, things usually turn around.
You are not alone, it's pretty clear that sadly,many people have the same problem... .but maybe this forum gives us a safe and non-judgemental space to vent a bit.
I wish my sister love,I wish her happiness but particularly I wish her an old-age without poverty and homelessness... which is by no means a given at this point, but I have only got one life, time to give myself a break.