Arousal

[Depression = 72% of members]

About 8 months ago i finally gathered the strength to break up from my BPDgirlfriend. The time thereafter was extremely hard but these last couple of months things have finally begun to feel better and I no longer wish for us to get back together. The problem I have though is that even though I feel this way and no longer love her, I cant get sexually aroused from anybody else. There have been a couple of girls I've been interested in but as soon it approaches sex i've felt completely empty inside and have had impossible problems with ED. The only time i can feel any kind of arousal is when i think about my BPDex. I can add that we had amazing sex, which shouldnt come as a surprise to many of you. Even though that probably has a lot to do with this problem, it still makes me so frustrated. It seems that even though my mental self has let her go, my physical self hasn't.
Has anybody else had similar experiences after their failed relationship?

[Verloren46]

About 8 months ago i finally gathered the strength to break up from my BPDgirlfriend. The time thereafter was extremely hard but these last couple of months things have finally begun to feel better and I no longer wish for us to get back together. The problem I have though is that even though I feel this way and no longer love her, I cant get sexually aroused from anybody else. There have been a couple of girls I've been interested in but as soon it approaches sex i've felt completely empty inside and have had impossible problems with ED. The only time i can feel any kind of arousal is when i think about my BPDex. I can add that we had amazing sex, which shouldnt come as a surprise to many of you. Even though that probably has a lot to do with this problem, it still makes me so frustrated. It seems that even though my mental self has let her go, my physical self hasn't.
Has anybody else had similar experiences after their failed relationship?

[g2outfitter]

Honestly, I think it's your mental self that hasn't let her go and it is affecting your physical self.

I would imagine you haven't met a woman who invokes the same feelings that your exBPD did.  As a result, you may feel as though you're just having sex... .and as opposed to "making love" as you felt with your exBPD.  Honestly, that is kind of an empty feeling.  This would especially be true if the woman you are with has stronger feelings for you as you do her... .therefore you may feel as though you are "using" them just to fulfill a need, as perhaps your exBPD did to you.  This could definitely cause your ED.  The only way you could overcome that feeling is if there is a mutual agreement that you are both having sex to fulfill a mutual need - friends with benefits so to speak.

That's my unprofessional $.02.

[Verloren46]

Thanks g2outfitter

I believe your analysis has a lot of merit to it. My relationship with my BPDex contained very intense sex and she would often use it for manipulation and selfvalidation. Therefore I think that the act of sex with a new partner may have been a lot about detaching from my BPDex even though I didnt want to admit it to myself. And that would make me feel as I was "using" the other person for my personal gain as you suggest. That fits my personality as well, i've never been much about having sex simply for my pleasure, it has always been about mutual enjoyment. Ï realize now that the stress of moving on from my ex have made me go against my own personality which probably is a big cause of my arousal problems.

It just makes me so frustrated that even though its almost a year since we broke up, she still has such big sway and control over me and my mental self... .

[g2outfitter]

Be kind to yourself V46.

Yes, it is frustrating (I'm in your same shoes) but I think once you find a partner whom you have a real physical and emotional attachment, the perceived control of your exBPD will be gone. This could happen tomorrow, in 3 months, or 5 years from now... .you don't know what your future holds so don't get frustrated with your own timetable.  My exBPD will always occupy a piece of my heart (even though she doesn't deserve it) and technically for now,  she still owns it. But one day I will take it back from her and perhaps in turn,I  give it to another. Just because you haven't found someone to match the love you had for your exBPD, doesn't mean she still controls you.

I have started to date again and have met some very nice women however up to this point none of them have invoked the same level of feelings that I had with my ex. Either I have not been as physically attracted to them or I haven't felt the same level of emotional connection. It's easy for me to fall into this trap of thinking my exBPD has this "control" over me because in my mind the girls I've met don't measure up to her. But truth be told, it has nothing to do with my exBPD... .I just haven't met someone I've felt strong enough feelings to continue to pursue. The spark just hasn't been there for me, but that doesn't mean it won't ever happen. It may never happen, but the odds are favorable that it will, someday.

I guess what I'm saying is, once you find the right lady you will know it and when you do, you'll get so aroused you'll be able to cut diamonds with that light saber of love you have .

The timing of when this will happen is not controlled by your exBPD so don't give her the credit for it.

My prayers are with you and to everyone else on this site who is picking up the shattered remains of their heart. It will get better... .just let the clock tick.

I hate BPD.

[AustenJ]

I totally understand the arousal issue! I think it is a very complex issue... .more mental than physical for me. And being discarded only 4 months ago, stuff is still pretty fresh in my compost of a mind.

A big part of it is definitely the intensity of the relationship and the intensity of the sex, and, ultimately, her sudden rejection of me and all I brought to the relationship. The fact that she was 28 years my junior, beautiful, and with the body of a triathlete, it's been difficult adjusting to women in my own age group. Not that they are not beautiful and healthy, but as we all know, pwBPD are on a whole different level of sexual intensity. Plus, I work with my diagnosed xBPDgf, who still yearns to be friends with me... .it's very frustrating.

[AlternateReality]

Wow you never hear about this on BPD support sites...  

I thought i was the only one that suffered with this... I did so for about a Year.   It Got better for me with time... But i wont lie the thought of my exBPD still turns me on more than any other women, and it has been 5 years.