Your Estate Plan

[Parents! Get help here!]

I write this as a warning for those leaving assets to BPD beneficiaries.  My uBPD sister lived with my uBPD mother for the last 6 years of mom’s life.  Sis was financially dependent and mom needed the physical help.  They were miserable together and made me forget that I loved either of them.  But, that is over now.

Several times, I told my mom that I would not be offended if she wanted to leave the house to my sister.  I told her that sis always had and always would need more assistance than me and that I understood what a worry that was for mom.  Each time, she said that she didn’t want me to receive less than sis; she said that I had been treated unfairly when my father passed and she didn’t want that to happen again.  I also repeatedly asked her to PICK ONE OF US to administer her estate.  Mom was a psych nurse and was well aware of sis’s inability to behave in a just manner, but she “just couldn’t” pick between us; she wanted to be fair.

Mom passed last year and sis and I are now co-first successor trustees and 50/50 beneficiaries. We have equal rights.  Mom's estate would legally leave each of us with about $70k, plenty for sis to purchase herself a little place here in the affordable Midwestern US.  Yet, after 15 months, sis refuses to leave Mom’s house. I bought a house for her to live in until Mom’s place sells; she still won’t move.  I paid a lawyer $700 to read the trust and write her a letter detailing her violations as trustee, threatening to remove her and evict her.  Her deadline to move was yesterday; she still won’t move.  It will cost $30 - $40K to force her out and have her removed, as the trust orders arbitration; she knows this and still won’t move.

I just can’t spend mom’s money in that manner.  She was a single mother who worked hard to raise us and worried about my sister her entire life.  Even though sis is spoiled, selfish, and ungrateful, I know that Mom would rather that money went to her than to a law firm.  I also don’t want to go down the path of a long legal battle; I want to move on. 

There is no answer.  Sis refuses to pursue an income from either employment or disability, so she can’t even afford this house. As co-owner, all the liability, maintenance, and bills will become my responsibility; I would be forced to make payments in order to preserve both of our rights of ownership. I would be held hostage indefinitely with this house.

So, I am signing off my rights as trustee and beneficiary.  I am losing over $50K.  I am upset, but this is nothing new; it’s just the most expensive injustice I have suffered under my sister.  She has always taken my share of everything of Mom’s – attention, time, energy . . .   And, in the end, she will likely lose this house, just as she did my dad’s.

My mom had an estate plan.  She put her wishes in writing and the law is clear.  Yet, nothing that she wanted to happen will end up happening. 

[Edgewood]

I write this as a warning for those leaving assets to BPD beneficiaries.  My uBPD sister lived with my uBPD mother for the last 6 years of mom’s life.  Sis was financially dependent and mom needed the physical help.  They were miserable together and made me forget that I loved either of them.  But, that is over now.

Several times, I told my mom that I would not be offended if she wanted to leave the house to my sister.  I told her that sis always had and always would need more assistance than me and that I understood what a worry that was for mom.  Each time, she said that she didn’t want me to receive less than sis; she said that I had been treated unfairly when my father passed and she didn’t want that to happen again.  I also repeatedly asked her to PICK ONE OF US to administer her estate.  Mom was a psych nurse and was well aware of sis’s inability to behave in a just manner, but she “just couldn’t” pick between us; she wanted to be fair.

Mom passed last year and sis and I are now co-first successor trustees and 50/50 beneficiaries. We have equal rights.  Mom's estate would legally leave each of us with about $70k, plenty for sis to purchase herself a little place here in the affordable Midwestern US.  Yet, after 15 months, sis refuses to leave Mom’s house. I bought a house for her to live in until Mom’s place sells; she still won’t move.  I paid a lawyer $700 to read the trust and write her a letter detailing her violations as trustee, threatening to remove her and evict her.  Her deadline to move was yesterday; she still won’t move.  It will cost $30 - $40K to force her out and have her removed, as the trust orders arbitration; she knows this and still won’t move.

I just can’t spend mom’s money in that manner.  She was a single mother who worked hard to raise us and worried about my sister her entire life.  Even though sis is spoiled, selfish, and ungrateful, I know that Mom would rather that money went to her than to a law firm.  I also don’t want to go down the path of a long legal battle; I want to move on. 

There is no answer.  Sis refuses to pursue an income from either employment or disability, so she can’t even afford this house. As co-owner, all the liability, maintenance, and bills will become my responsibility; I would be forced to make payments in order to preserve both of our rights of ownership. I would be held hostage indefinitely with this house.

So, I am signing off my rights as trustee and beneficiary.  I am losing over $50K.  I am upset, but this is nothing new; it’s just the most expensive injustice I have suffered under my sister.  She has always taken my share of everything of Mom’s – attention, time, energy . . .   And, in the end, she will likely lose this house, just as she did my dad’s.

My mom had an estate plan.  She put her wishes in writing and the law is clear.  Yet, nothing that she wanted to happen will end up happening. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lindaz1417]

I'm so sorry to read your situation. In the hopes others may read this, here is what we did:  My husband and I had no idea what we needed to do for estate planning purposes. We had an amazing lawyer who explained how to manage our assets. We have five children and four of them will get a set amount each year. The fifth, my BPD son, will have his own "silo" of assets to be administered by his sister, as she determines. She gets a higher % of the assets for this awful job, and can hire a case worker to manage his day to day life, which we hope he has soon anyway. We don't want a case worker to have access to that full amount, but want to shield my daughter from the day to day interactions with my son. It is written that he must go through the caseworker for financial requests, and they will reach out to my daughter when necessary. This won't protect my daughter completely, but at least it will create a structure and rules for him to follow. Sadly, it's his only sibling (the other 3 are stepchildren), so she recognizes the demand it puts on her. Frankly, she's experienced it for many years anyway, and has learned to push the "decline" button on her phone. Good luck to you, and it helped me to stop looking at the financial side of things. My son has cost us tens of thousands of dollars already, with nothing to show for it. In fact, he's much worse. I now look at what's best for my mental and emotional health because I was so sick from all the stress that my life was miserable for a few years.

[Mutt]

Hi Edgewood,  

Mom was a psych nurse and was well aware of sis’s inability to behave in a just manner, but she “just couldn’t” pick between us; she wanted to be fair.

Even though sis is spoiled, selfish, and ungrateful, I know that Mom would rather that money went to her than to a law firm

I'm sorry that things are tough for your right now, I just have a question for you, why are you putting all of this on you? Your mom probably saw the same qualities as you did, obviously she had unconditional love for your sister, she made her choice for 50/50 beneficiaries equal rights for both of you knowing how your sister is like, was she passive? I would feel sad too with your sister's rigid and inflexibility, this is the nature of the disorder, my advice is don't carry this guilt, you would have done things differently, we only have control of two things, our thoughts and feelings.

[Lollypop]

Hi

I'm glad you posted, thanks so much.

I thought we'd got a sensible will plan in place but maybe I need to re-think it.

I hope you can move on. I think this is so unfair for you.

LP

[Edgewood]

Thanks to all of you.  I'd be happy if this helps others think about their plans. 
Mutt, I'm not sure what you mean about me putting this on myself.  Because I won't spend the money to fight her, you mean?  I think you're saying that I don't need to worry about how Mom's money gets spent, since she made the unfortunate decision to include sis in the administration duties, right?

[Mutt]

I think you're saying that I don't need to worry about how Mom's money gets spent, since she made the unfortunate decision to include sis in the administration duties, right?

Hmm. I don't know what administrative duties entails, it sounds very complicated and legal, that being said, how I read your post is that she gave you both an inheritance, it doesn't specifically have to be 50/50 it could be any number really, but that portion that your sister got, she's not being responsible with it, I'm hearing guilt in your post that she's not spending it how your mom would have wanted it to be spent? Which I guess to a certain degree is what you're trying to warn people about if there is a family member with BPD judging by the topic. I could be completely off with how I read it, and for that I'm sorry if I got that wrong.

[Edgewood]

Mutt, oh, now I see what you were thinking.  Yeah, I guess I could have been more clear about that; sorry!

The bulk of the estate is in the equity of the home, which can't be sold because sis won't get out.  I could have her forced out, but it would be tens of thousands in legal costs; that's why I'm considering how to spend (or not spend) the money.

I appreciate your advice.  Happily, I don't feel guilty about this. 

[Lollypop]

Hi Edgewood

Is your sister still talking to you?

How long has it been since your mother died?

I'm wondering if there's another way forwards for you.

If you are still on speaking terms with her, then she may be willing to enter into a future arrangement. Let's say she's really struggling to cope with your mother's death, she's very fearful of leaving her home. It has to be recognised that she's most probably feeling very bad about her situation.

Do you need the money?  Because if you don't and your sister sees that you're comfortable in your life she'll feel that it's very unfair (obviously it's not unfair !). 

How have you both dealt with splitting your mother's personal and sentimental items?

LP

[Edgewood]

Hi Lollypop,
Mom passed in Feb, 2016.  Since the lawyer’s letter two weeks ago, we are not speaking.  I did tell her I was signing off the trust, though.  I also let her know that I can't remain enmeshed in her untreated psych issues anymore. I feel like I need to explain to her why I'm pulling back; I don't want her to think that I don't love her.

We had agreed back in September that she would move in March.  Because she didn’t, things have been prickly between us since then, but things were pretty good for those 6 months prior.  Right after Mom died, sis was a mess and got really crazy and attacked me (no injury) one day.  After that, I told her I would force the sale of the house.  We had very little contact for a while; I was afraid to be in the house and work with her.

No, I don't need the money, which is the only reason I can entertain this solution.  Mind you, I'm not affluent, but my salary is more than enough, I didn’t have children, and I live in my late-husband's home, so I am comfortable.  But, I want to relocate and I can’t do that with an estate to settle and a home to sell.

Yes, I'm sure sis IS very afraid since Mom died; that’s why I’ve granted her over a year to move. She has been bailed out of her messes her entire life.  I used to do that, too, but I stopped when she and Mom drove me to seek knowledge at this site (thankfully).  But, all of her other rescuers have now passed away or aren't involved anymore.  For the first time, she is truly on her own.  I'm sure she is petrified.  Incredibly, I would probably still help her, if she didn’t fight every little thing I attempt to do.

I have tried to help her for 30+ years.  Previously, I (and others) rescued her all the time, but she just saw it as an attempt to control her.  She has a lot of resentment for me.  Now that I’ve learned my lesson, she resents that I DON’T help her.  Funny, I don’t think she actually wants to take care of herself, determine her own fate, or make her own decisions; the disorder just prevents her from allowing others to do it.  

Naturally, I feel guilty about leaving her alone, but I can’t do anything.  Her mental health has deteriorated too far; she is unreachable.  Part of why I want to relocate is that I don’t want to be around to see what happens to her next.  I’m sure you are familiar with this brand of heartbreak.

She has controlled all of Mom’s belongings, because she has possession of the home.  I have only been able to go through the items that she has allowed me to.  Once, she put things out at the road for trash pickup and told me to go get what I wanted from the garbage pile.  (It’s so hard to remember that I love her!)

You may be right about me revisiting this in the future.  I’ve realized that I can’t really sign off beneficiary rights.  I don’t own any of Mom’s things yet; the trust still owns everything.  I can sign off as trustee and, therefore, be released of responsibility and, I think, liability in the home.  But, I’m still a beneficiary.

Tell me, Lollypop, as a parent, what would you have me do if sis and I were your daughters? I'm really trying to remember that my place in settling Mom's estate is to do what she would want done, so I would appreciate a parental outlook.

[Lollypop]

Hi Edgewood

I think you've been amazingly patient. It's a very frustrating situation for you that also prevents you moving on with your own life. I think you have to put yourself first regardless that your sister is very clearly unwell. It must be very painful for you. I'm sorry that your mom has died, particularly left with this situation that she wouldn't want.

My sister is undx BPD. When my mum died my sister had all her things, including privately burying her ashes (site unknown) without inviting anybody and telling me after the event, When my dad died in Nov 2014 his will was 50/50 to me and my sister. My dad had told me Jan 2014 that he'd lent my BIL £60k as he was desperate for the money. My dad asked me in Dec if I thought he should help them (rich, comfortable, never satisfied, yet they'd rashly over invested in a new home project). I told my dad I thought it a very unwise idea as my sister spends money like it's water, my dad chose to lend it to the BIL instead. It was a tricky situation to be in. Nothing on paper and it was a secret as my dad didn't want my BIL's pride to be hurt!

I got my half in the end. It was NOT easy.  That was my inheritance and I felt it my duty to both my mum and dad to see I got my half, that's what they wanted. I needed the money too and it's brought us security as we paid off the mortgage,  

I have two sons. BPDs26 who has limited financial management skills and an addiction. Son 16 who is good with money. We have a trust set up. I've had to ask a friend who knows both of them very well to be a trustee, along with the solicitor who will act as the first line of enquiry for money requests in the event of my husband and I dying together. Our priority is ensuring that son16's half is protected from his brother.  Our second priority was to protect BPDs26's half from potential creditors and have limited access to his money overseen by my close friend advising the solicitor. It would break our hearts if son16 experienced any financial loss from his older brothers behaviour.  By the trust and trustees, we can protect our son16 from manipulation, bullying or harassment from his brother.

You don't have that go between intermediary.

For what it's worth, I would want you as my daughter to get your equal share, regardless of the amount, When one gets more than the other, there's a feeling that one is more valued than the other. I don't know how you'd feel emotionally after the event of basically giving your sister everything,  Feeling resentful and angry eats away at you.  The unfairness of it may affect you later - It's the principle of the matter,

If you do nothing, what happens if your sister runs up a big debt on say a credit card?  Or secures the house against a loan?  Gets a boyfriend and moves him in?

It's kind of like a divorce isn't it.

LP

[Edgewood]

Oh, LP, I'm so sorry about your mom's cremains.  That must have been really tough, right in the middle of the grief. Do you and your sis have a relationship at all, anymore?

I think your estate plan is sound.  One person, whom you trust, has complete control, so nobody can prevent decisions by "holding out." And your kids are still dependents, too, so you have that to consider.

Wow, thanks for the questions about my liability; I guess I will have to see about those things. Having a boyfriend there wouldn't really do anything more than having her there; I can't get my equity out of the house, either way.  I don't think she can run up any debt against the house because it is still owned by the trust.  She can't run up debt in Mom's name; I don't think the trust can borrow, either.  These are such great questions, though.

At this point, I just feel like the money isn't worth the continued interaction with my sister.  It's unfair, but so are a lot of things.  I would never consider it a reflection of how much my mom valued me, so that won't weigh on me.

Thanks for your chatting through this with me.  It's great to know that we're not alone.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi Edgewood

The ashes are only a small thing compared to others. I have spent my life giving in, she's the older sister. I still have a relationship with distance. Her wealth provides a division as I can't afford her leisure! I know my mum loved me, that'll do for me - like you it doesn't weigh on me. I think we're alike!

It would make a difference if your sister married. In the uk, any living in partner contributing to the house expenses can then make a financial claim on breakup. I don't know if that's the same in the USA.

Good luck

LP