Curious about children of N/BPD parents perspective

[Pilpel]

The N/BPD in my life is my SIL.  She and my brother have kids that are close in age to my own.  I've noticed that their kids do pretty good when they're at our house.  My own kids are pretty easy going, respectful and play cooperatively.  But some times when we're at their house, my kids don't have a good time at all.  And the way they describe their cousins' behavior it sounds similar to their mom --selfish, manipulative, and aggressive (physically aggressive with the kids, while SIL is emotionally aggressive).  Things have been going relatively well with the kids for awhile.  But the last time we were there, my kids had an awful time.  Their oldest can be the most personable and affectionate.  But in the past we've had problems with him acting physically aggressive with my son, but he's been good for several years.  I didn't find out until the end of that evening, after my son ended up hurt and bleeding, that he had been acting very aggressive the whole evening --kicking, hitting, and tossing my son around.  And my daughter had a bad time with the younger kids --who didn't want to share toys and were acting manipulative.  (Which all sounds parallel to my SIL.)

My husband had a talk with their oldest son when we saw them a week later to let him know that his behavior was not okay.  It seems like something that should be discussed with the parents.  Yet I suspect that the kids are acting out because of something that is going on with the parents, particularly the SIL.  It would be nice to be able to have a private conversation with my brother, but we don't really talk much since he got married. In the past he's acted unconcerned about his kid's behavior, and treated my husband and I like we were over-reacting, but I have noticed that he's quite a bit more involved with their discipline that she is.

I know there are a lot of people here who grew up with N/BPD parents and you know the situation we're experiencing but from the inside view.  I'm curious what your experiences are.  Do you remember interacting with other kids, and behaving in negative ways that you learned from your borderline parents?  When the home dynamics were worse did you act out even worse?  When you behaved badly and kids didn't want to play with you, did it make things worse when you're borderline parents were forced to deal with that problem?  (which is what I'm most concerned about)  Do you have any suggestions on how best to deal with a behavior problem with a child that has a N/BPD parent? 

I've told my kids that I'm not going to force them to play with their cousins if the cousins are not playing nice.  But I also tell them to be understanding.  We don't know what their life is like at home.  Even if my SIL project things on her kids --like not wanting them to suffer disappointments because she doesn't like to tolerate disappointments--- I expect that their "normal" home life is full of invalidation and having to constantly wait on their mother.   

Pilpel

[Notwendy]

As a fellow mom- I want to encourage you to look out for your own kids' well being first.

Although it is possible that your SIL's kids are acting out because of issues at home, I don't think this is true for all kids of parents with BPD. I think it does affect kids, but each child responds in their own way and according to their own nature. It may be also true that other factors are contributing- ADD, conduct disorder, anxiety...

My sibs and I were more the opposite. We didn't dare act out. BPD mom was out of control and we didn't want to behave like that. We were pretty compliant and played nicely with other kids. The effect on us was on our self esteem and co-dependent- people pleasing traits. We felt we had to comply to be loved.

We do have some cousins on our mother's side whose mother had issues with alcoholism- she may have had BPD too. I didn't like playing with my same age cousin- she was selfish, and mean. So maybe she was acting out in a different way. I stopped playing with this cousin. We have not seen each other since we were very young.

We played with our cousins on my father's side. We were not always perfect angels ( just imagine a pack of teen cousins) but we were not mean, or did really bad things. We are all very close still and our kids like each other. But this is because we did get along and like each other to begin with. If your kids don't like their cousins, I would not force the relationship.

But first of all- take care of your kids- and if they don't get along with their cousins, then it is what it is.

[SpinsC]

I second what notwendy said. We, my siblings and I, ended up more co-dependent as our mother was a waif/narc type with BPD traits. We had friends over often and stayed with friends often - frequently commented on about our 'good manners'. We knew we'd be skinned if we embarrassed our mother by showing bad manners.

We had cousins who's mother seemed pretty PD, I'd say Narc more that BPD. Anyway, only two of her children were near the age of me and my brother. We were forced together often, even sent to their home for a month over the summer. This was supposed to help us bond, but failed miserably. Their mother had spent so much time comparing us to her children that they resented us completely. There wasn't violence, but the air was thick with animosity.

My same-age cousin and I tried again as adults to form a relationship. We just can't make it work. We are nice to each other now, but we'll never be close the way my father intended when he shipped us to their home.

Just make sure your children feel safe coming to you and asking to leave. Please, don't stay and force the children to spend time together if you've already seen violence. Please don't give your children a message that blood means putting up with cruelty.

[isilme]

We didn't dare act out. BPD mom was out of control and we didn't want to behave like that. We were pretty compliant and played nicely with other kids. The effect on us was on our self esteem and co-dependent- people pleasing traits. We felt we had to comply to be loved.

Same here.  I was an only child, and very isolated, and my interactions with other kids was limited, but I also knew that ANY report of wrongdoing on my part would be met with sever punishment (bruises would be left).  So I did my very best to behave.  I sometimes got in trouble for things other kids did and I could not prove I did not do, but I tried my best to be "the good child" in any gathering.  By high school I was the kid that other parents wanted to be going to events, because they knew my dad was nuts and that I would not engage in drinking or drugs, and that we would be home on time or I would catch it.