Conflicted over father's death

[Depression = 72% of members]

Just finished Fjelstad's book! One of the best I've read on the subjects at hand! I wish I had had this many Many years ago! My father passed away April 9,2017 and am feeling so conflicted! Am NOT glad he is gone and I Think I understand that what I am feeling is grief... .but for all of the healing work I've done to not need his love to be okay... .this has thrown me for a loop. Perhaps it is because I am really invisible now and there is NO chance of changing that , ever... .even though I worked thru that and learned how to love myself and stopped trying to control something over which I had no control... .but wow! Relapse? Just grief? Can't eat or sleep. Even this post makes very little sense. Any suggestions?

[Sohappy]

Just finished Fjelstad's book! One of the best I've read on the subjects at hand! I wish I had had this many Many years ago! My father passed away April 9,2017 and am feeling so conflicted! Am NOT glad he is gone and I Think I understand that what I am feeling is grief... .but for all of the healing work I've done to not need his love to be okay... .this has thrown me for a loop. Perhaps it is because I am really invisible now and there is NO chance of changing that , ever... .even though I worked thru that and learned how to love myself and stopped trying to control something over which I had no control... .but wow! Relapse? Just grief? Can't eat or sleep. Even this post makes very little sense. Any suggestions?

[Kwamina]

Hi Sohappy

I am sorry for your loss. It becomes clear from your post that you had a complicated relationship with your dad. It makes sense that you would feel conflicted then. Do you believe your father had BPD (traits)?

Even after doing a lot of healing, losing a close family-member will often remain very difficult. In the case of a disordered parent, losing that parent also means losing what little hope we might had left that things would one day be different.

Could you tell us a bit more about the healing you've done? Did you perhaps get help from a therapist?

To help you in your grieving process, I encourage you to take a look at this thread:
Grieving Our Losses

Take care