Was it love?

[happendtome]

Sometimes, when i read these threads i want to ask from everyone, including myself, that why we are so sure that it was love from OUR part? We question about their love, but what about us? Did we really loved our partners or was it (still is) just obsession? Trying to obtain unobtainable?

When i first left my BPDex i felt freedom, but i came back as i didnt want to hurt her and i felt/thought or really actually loved her. But when she dumped me i felt betrayed and my obsession started.
I think i love her, i dont want anything bad for her to happen, but at the same time im not really sure is this the TRUE love.
If she would try to recycle me would i allow it to happen simply because it would make me feel good? Temporarily. Or would i feel love as it supposed to be?
This is hypothetical question. I think she knows very well my boundaries by now and "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me".

So love or obsession?

[CorsaG19]

I ask myself that same question.

I know i have literally never felt like this about anyone before. I have never cried over anyone but her before. I was with someone 8 years and when that finished there was nothing.

Sometimes i think i was just feeling lonely when she came along. Ive never really lived alone. Theres always been someone there. And she came along when i was feeling low.

Surely if it wasnt true love we would find it easier to get over them?

[GuySmiley]

I'm well aware that the intense craving and emptiness I feel for her aren't love. It's grief. Overwhelming utter grief. It goes to the very core of my being, something primordial even. Sounds melodramatic I know, but if I break it down it's an intense longing for the feelings I get being with her that I miss, not her.

If I'm honest I'm not sure if I do really love her - I mean she's fun and beautiful and so so very sexy in herself - something about the two of us together is just pure sexual chemistry (I think it harkens back to our days at uni when sex was new and we had a lot of fun experimenting - and after that sex can just become a bit boring with a normal partner), she's scatty and giggly and feminine. She's also thick as f*ck and false and her morals are less than dubious - if she treated any of my friends the way she treats me I'd despise her, just like my friends do despise her. She's not a nice person. At all. She's not someone I could love. She's not someone I really, if I'm honest, respect. She's a petulant teenager in a gorgeous woman's body.

And does she love me? She says she does. But honestly, if you love someone you don't continually hurt them. But I let her. Would I let her hurt my friends? No, because I love my friends. So why do I let her hurt me? Because I don't love me. If I loved me and held myself in as high regard as I do my friends then she wouldn't get a foot in the door. So I need to learn to love me first.

She's not a good person, I don't love her but I am attracted to her and addicted to her. Because she gives me what I need - the pain I think I deserve. And we all need to work on that.

[happendtome]

Surely if it wasnt true love we would find it easier to get over them?

Because we like a challenge? To prove something to ourselves? But is that love?

[GuySmiley]

Also - the whole true love thing... .

how many of us swore to them and meant it that we'd always love them no matter what. How many of us whispered it to them while we were curled up with them, and meant every single word.

And now that they've let us go and treated us like sh*t how many of us continue to love them because we promised, promised, promised them we would, and to actually let them go now would mean we'd let them down by giving up on that promise?

To truly love someone we must put up with and go through all the hurt they throw at us, because if we didn't we wouldn't truly love them, right? I believed this for 18-odd years, I've been there and back - no one could possibly know or understand the honest, deep, true love you feel for this person - the love you feel is special, people might say they understand, but they just don't. No one can. Honestly it's utter, utter horsesh*t.

To truly love someone is completely different to craving someone. To feel so so so empty without someone. That's not love. I used to think it was. It's truly honestly not. But I or anyone else will not be able to convince you otherwise until you come to that revelation yourself. And then you'll understand what I've posted.

Loss, grief, abandonment and emptiness hurts.

Love doesn't hurt.

[roberto516]

I do feel that love is painful at times. Love makes you question whether this person is "right for you" at times. You have doubts. You have pains, anger, sadness. It's all normal in a healthy relationship. But it's what you do with those feelings.

Did I love my ex? I mean the word itself is subjective anyway. But I know I did. But I continue to forget that throughout the relationship I had real debates about "getting out." But I stuck in there. Now I know I was chasing the high/didn't want to hurt her  by leaving. I thought I was improving by not running away like I did for 2 years with every girl I began to hang out with.

It's a tough question. But there is an article I kept close to me about why people fall out of love. I posted it here. It makes sense to me. True love is, according to one article which you don't have to agree with, 1) mutual acts of love. Basically, by putting love into the relationship together you will both get love out of it. 2) Think of the positives of the relationship instead of a black/white thinking when times get bad or tough. 3) Look inside yourself at self-defeating behaviors/self-sabotage from relationships past, and don't let it sabotage your current one.

Did I do those things? Yeah. It was harder for number 3 because there has to be someone who is listening to me and hearing me when I'm explaining why certain things about the relationship are so tough because of my past relationships/how I was raised.

But after all this. I finally came to terms that it is more of an obsession. It's an addiction. My dopamine was snagged right during the love-bombing phase. And even as my life got more and more unhappy I was chasing the high she provided in the beginning. That's why when I was thinking rationally I'd be laying on her couch thinking "How am I going to get out of this? This isn't good." Thought it was my self-sabotage peaking it's head up. Turns out, for once, it was my heart telling me to look at the warning signs I noticed from my first ever BPD relationship.

Probably rambled a bit. But there ya go .

[asiyah93]

"why we are so sure that it was love from OUR part? "

I know with me, after a lot of self-reflection and soul searching, that it wasn't love on my part. At first, yes, but that quickly faded. For me, it became more about FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and more about getting him to just shut up and live his life. It's part of the reason why I allowed him to abuse me so much: I felt guilty that I didn't love him the way he wanted me to (even though he didn't love me, but he felt no guilt about that), didn't think highly of me the way he supposedly thought about me (when we were "good" anyway), and I didn't do things for him out of love. I felt completely deserving of bad treatment because all I thought was "if you only knew how low I think of you." It was very toxic and I contributed to it, and I stopped playing myself because I figured he's already playing me, why should there be two people lying to me?

[vanx]

I think it is kind of a fine line. It started as love but became obsession because the partner takes his or her affection away and that is too unbearable. At that point it's not love, because we are unloving to ourselves for engaging in the toxic dance. I needed her to like me again to like myself.

I think it's important to honor that we probably entered these relationships to love and be loved, but we probably lacked the skills or knowledge to protect from bad relating. I know personally the turning point was when she rescinded her love. Next time if this happens again, what will I do differently? I will walk away because I don't want to date someone whose love is so conditional. And it's not a jab at her. I think she entered the relationship with good intentions too. Love is highly subjective and we must all have our own meanings. Personally, I can't be with someone who bases love on current emotions. I think love is a conscious choice. I know I loved her because I made up my mind to be loving. The mistake was not letting go when it became the type of hurt that love just isn't. And if I do love her, petsonally I feel she is better with us not together. We both need to grow and would inhibit each other in many ways.

Ag, I sure am obsessed with my ex. Only one other human being has seen into my soul like she did, and she always makes me laugh. To me, it is a tragedy that will never feel okay, because I do love her very deeply. It's obsession too and parting is the right thing, but good god if I don't also love her entirely. I guess someone else could say I don't. I don't know, at least part of it is teal love I think. It's painful to feal unrequited love, but the plus side is hey, I am capable of loving someone! Maybe I can love someone else too in time.

Ah sorry for rambling so much. Only you know you deep inner feelings. No one else has the right to tell you whether you love or not. Also, though it is good to recognize unhealthy obsession, I think it is important not to feel shame for feeling you need someone. When you meet the right person, you'll both feel that way and be glad you do! And I agree with Roberto--it still hurts, but then you realize the other person is scared too, and yet you are both right there for each other.

[asiyah93]

"didn't think highly of me the way he supposedly thought about me"

Typo: didn't think highly of HIM the way he supposedly thought about me.

[roberto516]

I think it's important to honor that we probably entered these relationships to love and be loved, but we probably lacked the skills or knowledge to protect from bad relating. I know personally the turning point was when she rescinded her love. Next time if this happens again, what will I do differently? I will walk away because I don't want to date someone whose love is so conditional. And it's not a jab at her. I think she entered the relationship with good intentions too. Love is highly subjective and we must all have our own meanings. Personally, I can't be with someone who bases love on current emotions. I think love is a conscious choice. I know I loved her because I made up my mind to be loving. The mistake was not letting go when it became the type of hurt that love just isn't. And if I do love her, petsonally I feel she is better with us not together. We both need to grow and would inhibit each other in many ways.

This was a good reminder. I have to remember that her interpretation of "love" was what her parents gave her. meaning constant attention, sacrifice, buying her whatever she wanted, and rescuing her. She never had to give anything in return to them. That's her idea of love. Has it worked? No. She's had many boyfriends. But this reminded me that my idea of love isn't everyone's.

And I agree, I knew I should have walked away when I knew it wasn't a unconditional love. But I was hooked in. Chasing the affection that stopped coming.

And part of me has to accept the real big ego hit that we aren't well for each other. One day she has to realize that she doesn't need an enabler, rescuer. She needs someone who will push her in the right direction. I tried to do that throughout. But then she'd get very upset and angry with me. Calling me her therapist. So I stopped. It's funny but I recall the last couple months she'd look for me to save her, and I'd offer support but let herself make her own decision. And she'd always be just alright no matter what choice she made. But again, maybe I was more capable of being in a relationship than she was. SHE will have to make the conscious choice to be open to her partner's ideas and feelings. And SHE will have to decide she wants to reciprocate love. Not just sit back and get a parental type of love. And she will have to accept that if she wants genuine love from someone she is going to have to put some work in, and not run away or shut down when the relationship is really challenged. Great post.

[Aesir]

I know I loved her in the beginning and was willing to tolerate a lot to make things work. Over the years that love lessened in intensity to a fondness and near the end I resented her. I saw all along that her feelings were not as strong as mine but I turned a blind eye to that. Then the emotional abuse started...