H brought up flowers for NC Mom out of nowhere

[Depression = 72% of members]

So I have been NC with both parents for years.  I was kicked out and disowned in writing by Dad at 19 so that one was both hard (how it happened), and easy (I had to exert little effort and had plenty of reason to maintain NC).  Dad is a sociopath in my opinion, able to project a smile to the public and then beat his child black and blue in private. 

Mom was always a little more difficult.  I was her caretaker as soon as I was tall enough to do things for her.  I was parentified, so she was MY child in many ways - I was to keep her happy, keep her comfortable, and keep an eye on her to keep her from stumbling around the house in a drugged up stupor and breaking herself.  She fell a lot.  Dad beat her at times, too, but a lot of her injuries WERE self-inflicted from taking too many sedatives and then wandering around the house or trying to drive.  I was supposed to fulfill her emotional needs for a daughter, and BFF, a weird marital confidant, a collaborator in hiding things from Dad, and so on.  I was very enmeshed. 

After she and Dad divorced when I was 15, he had custody, and she was kept from me.  Which all in all was a good thing for me, even though he did it to hurt her - not to protect me.  It at least got one crazy person out of my day to day life, and left me with the other who often took off and left me alone for days at a time.  So in a way, I was free of them both for a stretch at a time.

Anyway, I get kicked out, and a year later, I find Mom on my doorstep after 5 years of NC.  I was 20, in college, and with H who was my BF at the time.  I tried to establish some sort of relationship with her, but she was trying to push me back into my old roles.  It made things hard.  Then she started with her old habits of theft by check and using my name and number (and later H's mom's name and number) to accrue credit with us as references.  I started getting lots of calls, I got mad at her, she gets arrested a few times for shoplifting, she gets evicted, loses her job, leaves the state.  We try calling now and then, but it's trained, as I know I can't control her, and I have trouble talking to her and knowing that it's all a guilt ploy of crises to make me abandon my life and move back in with her as her caretaker.

So about 2010, 2011, we went NC after a final phone call where she insisted she never gave out my number to anyone (debtors were calling me again). 

Out of the blue, I guess because he's upset his own mother makes him feel anxiety, BPD-H (yes, he has it, but he's usually less volatile than either parent ever was), turned to me right before bed and asked if I had Mom's address or number or if I'd spoken to my half-brother in her state and knew anything about her so I could send her flowers.  I was like, "No.  I have 9 numbers at last count that are from her area code because she changes them all the time.  I have no address.  I don't even know which number for half brother is good.  I try to message him once in a while on FB and he doesn't always respond."  And H was like, you should see about getting her info.

It was late, he'd been badly dysregulating himself, so I am not sure if he is projecting his feelings of stress about his own mother off to me and trying to make me feel as bad as he does, (he is also stressing about a trip next week he has to take for work, convinced he will die on the road).  He has been cranky and upset for days about this trip, about the number of things he "feel"s are coming up this month (not all that many, really), and so I kinda figure he was just telling me something to make me as nervous and upset as he was feelings - that's kinda his MO - make me feel how he thinks I should feel.

Anyway.  The most I have done is share our wedding photos from last May with my mother.  I am not FB friends with her, and I don't' really want to reach out to her.  The idea makes me want to cry and so tired all at once.  Am I just being lazy?  Not wanting to drag out this old issue?  I mean, she's like 71 now.  I don't think she developed the Alzheimer's that runs in the family.  But I just don't know.  I have overall made my peace with being a BPD orphan, and not talking to either of them again.  Why did he bring this up?  It's been about 6 years.  I am dealing with a lot with HIM right now - his health is uncertain and trying to keep us on track is taking up a lot of my energy as it is. 

Am I just making a mean decision about of being comfortable?  Should I test the waters one last time?

[isilme]

So I have been NC with both parents for years.  I was kicked out and disowned in writing by Dad at 19 so that one was both hard (how it happened), and easy (I had to exert little effort and had plenty of reason to maintain NC).  Dad is a sociopath in my opinion, able to project a smile to the public and then beat his child black and blue in private. 

Mom was always a little more difficult.  I was her caretaker as soon as I was tall enough to do things for her.  I was parentified, so she was MY child in many ways - I was to keep her happy, keep her comfortable, and keep an eye on her to keep her from stumbling around the house in a drugged up stupor and breaking herself.  She fell a lot.  Dad beat her at times, too, but a lot of her injuries WERE self-inflicted from taking too many sedatives and then wandering around the house or trying to drive.  I was supposed to fulfill her emotional needs for a daughter, and BFF, a weird marital confidant, a collaborator in hiding things from Dad, and so on.  I was very enmeshed. 

After she and Dad divorced when I was 15, he had custody, and she was kept from me.  Which all in all was a good thing for me, even though he did it to hurt her - not to protect me.  It at least got one crazy person out of my day to day life, and left me with the other who often took off and left me alone for days at a time.  So in a way, I was free of them both for a stretch at a time.

Anyway, I get kicked out, and a year later, I find Mom on my doorstep after 5 years of NC.  I was 20, in college, and with H who was my BF at the time.  I tried to establish some sort of relationship with her, but she was trying to push me back into my old roles.  It made things hard.  Then she started with her old habits of theft by check and using my name and number (and later H's mom's name and number) to accrue credit with us as references.  I started getting lots of calls, I got mad at her, she gets arrested a few times for shoplifting, she gets evicted, loses her job, leaves the state.  We try calling now and then, but it's trained, as I know I can't control her, and I have trouble talking to her and knowing that it's all a guilt ploy of crises to make me abandon my life and move back in with her as her caretaker.

So about 2010, 2011, we went NC after a final phone call where she insisted she never gave out my number to anyone (debtors were calling me again). 

Out of the blue, I guess because he's upset his own mother makes him feel anxiety, BPD-H (yes, he has it, but he's usually less volatile than either parent ever was), turned to me right before bed and asked if I had Mom's address or number or if I'd spoken to my half-brother in her state and knew anything about her so I could send her flowers.  I was like, "No.  I have 9 numbers at last count that are from her area code because she changes them all the time.  I have no address.  I don't even know which number for half brother is good.  I try to message him once in a while on FB and he doesn't always respond."  And H was like, you should see about getting her info.

It was late, he'd been badly dysregulating himself, so I am not sure if he is projecting his feelings of stress about his own mother off to me and trying to make me feel as bad as he does, (he is also stressing about a trip next week he has to take for work, convinced he will die on the road).  He has been cranky and upset for days about this trip, about the number of things he "feel"s are coming up this month (not all that many, really), and so I kinda figure he was just telling me something to make me as nervous and upset as he was feelings - that's kinda his MO - make me feel how he thinks I should feel.

Anyway.  The most I have done is share our wedding photos from last May with my mother.  I am not FB friends with her, and I don't' really want to reach out to her.  The idea makes me want to cry and so tired all at once.  Am I just being lazy?  Not wanting to drag out this old issue?  I mean, she's like 71 now.  I don't think she developed the Alzheimer's that runs in the family.  But I just don't know.  I have overall made my peace with being a BPD orphan, and not talking to either of them again.  Why did he bring this up?  It's been about 6 years.  I am dealing with a lot with HIM right now - his health is uncertain and trying to keep us on track is taking up a lot of my energy as it is. 

Am I just making a mean decision about of being comfortable?  Should I test the waters one last time?

[Harri]

Hi Isilme

Am I just making a mean decision about of being comfortable?  Should I test the waters one last time?

I don't think you are being mean in your choice to remain comfortable.  Maintaining NC is not being mean, selfish, or any other thing.  It is a form of self-defense and from what I know of your story, it sounds like it is needed and warranted IMO.

I don't really want to reach out to her.  The idea makes me want to cry and so tired all at once

This is what your gut is telling you and it is based on years of experience and several attempts to have contact with her.  The doubt and the questions you have now are, I think, being triggered by your husbands biases, anxiety and projections.  There could also be some lingering longing for the mother you wish you had.  all those things added together make this difficult but do not necessarily mean that contacting your mother is the healthy or wise thing to do.

If you started questioning your decision for no contact on your own, my answer would be very different.

Take good care of yourself.

[Sunfl0wer]

It sounds like you are saying that you felt best continuing NC, and that nothing for you has changed in that regard.

Sounds like the only reason you would be considering contact is some FOG.
Not so sure this is a good basis for making such decision.

[isilme]

Thanks.  I DO feel guilty at times.  H's mom has her own passel of issues, but somehow, maybe because she's not MY mom even though she's been very good to me overall, her issues don't touch me as much.  She's a hoarder, she has determined we should adapt to her environment or not visit, she does not take good care of herself and is physically about 20 years older than her calendar age, and likes to bash men.  I can see a lot of the things that made H how he is.

But we've chosen to live just over an hour away from her and H"s dad, which makes for a good buffer and we see them on holidays mostly. 

My parents are not just annoying, not just aggravating in their life choices / They toxically abused me.  The damage they caused is far more than the bruises I had to hide at school. 

That said, I don't know how I will feel/react when mom dies.  Dad - I plan to ignore.  I have avoided 3 funerals in his family since he disowned me - two were his parents who ignored me for most of my life and made him the monster her is, and one was the only person in his family I feel bad for not going to say goodbye, but he would be there and I did not want to give him a chance to turn her memorial into a drama-fest about me.  So I sent flowers. 

I talked to a friend who has a, well, obviously bad mother.  She knows my story and understands - she raised her younger sisters because her mom was too drunk to take care of them.  I'm not going to actively seek contact, but I felt I could test the waters by adding Mom as a facebook friend.  I unblocked her about a year back, and nothing has happened from that other than her liking a few photos here and there - so I will take one more baby step to see if I can handle it.  If not, if things get weird or bad again, I just cut the ties all over again.