Is anyone else stressed out about Mothers Day?

[RandiDill]

I've just (over the past month or so) become aware of the fact that my mom has undiagnosed BPD. I'm processing a lot of stuff right now, and feeling somewhat resentful/angry towards her. We had a big blowout regarding mothers day a couple weeks ago, and that really felt like the straw that broke the camels back. Now her and my grandma are planning to come over for brunch on Sunday, and I'm actually dreading it. I have to play along and pretend to be happy and that everything is fine. I have to pick out a gift and a card that says she is a great mother and I appreciate her so much. I don't want to do any of that! But I can't imagine what the repercussions would be if I don't. I'm not exactly looking for advice - just wondering if anyone else is struggling with this upcoming holiday.

[RecoveringApryl]

Yes! Most holidays stress me out nowadays and I've been NC from my mom for over a year, recently went very low contact. She is also undiagnosed borderline. Every holiday, especially when gifts are to be exchanged is stressful because she expects so much. And Mother's Day is the worst bc I'm supposed to thank her for being this amazing mom and that she "gave birth" to me. (Like I owe her something) It never feels like enough, and when I wouldn't do enough it was like I would get punished, silent treatment usually. It's so stressful. Hang in there! The more I learn about BPD the less angry and resentful I feel but it takes time. You are not alone. 

[Outlier]

I totally understand that anxiety. My mother is diagnosed and struggles with pretty severe symptoms, making it very challenging to be around her for any period of time. Thanking her for being a wonderful mother is so infuriating when she's berating me the whole time and telling me that I don't mean it and how little I tried with whatever gift I give her. To sit there and pretend she's right because it is "her" day is simply unbearable. but you're right the consequences for not being there are as bad as being there. It just feels like there is no way to win. She will be unhappy either way.

[yeahnah]

Yep. All family-related holidays give me escalating levels of stress and anxiety as the approach. I'm living with a possibly-BPD mother, and a Dx BPD sister - two unknown quantities under the one roof. My sister seems hell-bent on making it unpleasant for everyone this year. Lucky us.

I feel your pain. Hang in there, it'll be over for another year in just a couple of days!

[copingwithmom]

Yes! Majorly stressed. My mom was "diagnosed from afar" (as I call it) with BPD. Thank God a friend of my step-dad was a counselor who put a label on it for us. Anyway, weeks ago we had plans to go to lunch on Mother's Day. Then I had to address her dropping by, calling, and texting my son to the point of annoyance. I wrote a loving but firm letter (have tried all methods-letters are less confrontational). I haven't heard from her. Writing it brought up many past issues and now I want to retreat. I think I will skip church and lunch although my son says he will go if I want to. I had already sent her gift before this, and I'm glad I don't have to think about that now. I always feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. Many don't realize how hard holidays can be. Added stress on top of stress. I have really reduced my contact over the years which certainly helps. I just don't think I have it in me to see her at church. I definitely cannot sit through lunch. How awkward. Sigh... .

[Dotner]

Yes. I'm in charge of organizing Mother's Day and her bday in September in my family. How did I end up with that job? She's uBPD, but also "diagnosed from afar". She wasn't speaking to me since this past Christmas, but then on Easter seemed to be coming around, but now I can't tell. Last time I called her, she said to me, "So, how can I help you?" after we greeted each other. Like, customer service style. Like, "what do you need?"

The point is, I just never know what to expect, and I have to do this pre-contact mental preparation for whatever she may throw at me this time. Loving behavior (don't let my guard down)? Distant/acquaintance like behavior (don't try any harder than a normal person to interact, don't engage in the manipulation)? It's downright exhausting.

So, yes, I am also dreading Mother's Day tomorrow. We are the Dreadful Mother's Day club! Hugs to all.
 

[copingwithmom]

I love the way you said that: "precontact mental preparation". Boy, have I expended a ton of energy on that over the years! Everything with my mom is exhausting, that is why limited contact is best. Since I have just had to address an issue with her and set more boundaries (again), I don't even know when or what I will say the next time I see her. For tomorrow, I choose to just act like its a regular day and not a holiday. It's just easier. There are certain holidays we are in charge of too, but some of them I don't invite mom to and others I sometimes just can't go through with and other family members graciously pick up the slack. I can rarely be myself around my mom. Isn't that sad? I am tense because I never know what she is going to say. She tries to be funny and ends up saying something totally out of place. She is also very noses and pries. I addressed that with her recently and tried to explain that when she pries up it makes me want to tell her less. If you give her an inch she takes FIVE miles, so the less she knows, the easier life is.

[alaskanewyorker]

I'm also stressed out because of Mother's Day. My MIL is a very dominant person and she expects my husband to call her, even though the two haven't spoken in 6 months. She is also undiagnosed. My husband has chosen not to contact her or send a card because he thinks it will send the message that everything is fine and can continue her destructive behavior. On the other hand, she has sent me a Mother's Day card(included with a Bible verse about "forgiveness"... .she thinks we are holding a grudge) and has offered a church service in my name, with malicious intent. I don't know what to make of it and I don't think I will enjoy the day tomorrow.

[Peacewithin]

Hi, all.  I can so relate, too.
My mom and I were mostly out of contact for nearly a year until Easter this year.  Now she's sending really confusing text messages, and I just want to be free of her.  So much effort to try to figure out what to say... .and, then, according to her, it's always, always wrong.  No matter what, I'm the villain and she is the benevolent, long-suffering victim.  Feeling ___ty today, as I'm not sure about calling or not.  If I call, it's only out of a sense of "should" and obligation.  There's absolutely no room for the real me in her reality... .
Ugh.
Love to all her are also feeling the stress and pain of a BPD mom.
XO 

[DaughterOfHera]

Responding on Mother's Day, today.  I haven't had contact with my uBPDm for 5 and a half years.  Each time Mother's Day or her birthday or the holidays come up I try to treat them like any other day as best as I can.  Having said that, I was so very GRATEFUL when a friend called to see if I'd like to meet up for breakfast this morning.  And of course, where have I been since I got home?  On this website!  *laughing*  geez

I really like seeing that so many of you have been honest in sharing that it really doesn't make sense... .trying to honour a mother who hasn't been a true mother due to her illness and resulting behaviours.  I think these things, but then chastise myself in my own mind that she's not all evil and just has an illness that cycles around to bad behaviours, but part of that cycle also includes the times when she read me stories as a kid and bought me birthday presents and such.  Then I get back to all the memories of the abuse and neglect and tell myself "Of Course I Feel This Way!".  It goes round and round in my head.  yuk

[RandiDill]

Responding on Mother's Day, today.  I haven't had contact with my uBPDm for 5 and a half years.  Each time Mother's Day or her birthday or the holidays come up I try to treat them like any other day as best as I can.  Having said that, I was so very GRATEFUL when a friend called to see if I'd like to meet up for breakfast this morning.  And of course, where have I been since I got home?  On this website!  *laughing*  geez

I really like seeing that so many of you have been honest in sharing that it really doesn't make sense... .trying to honour a mother who hasn't been a true mother due to her illness and resulting behaviours.  I think these things, but then chastise myself in my own mind that she's not all evil and just has an illness that cycles around to bad behaviours, but part of that cycle also includes the times when she read me stories as a kid and bought me birthday presents and such.  Then I get back to all the memories of the abuse and neglect and tell myself "Of Course I Feel This Way!".  It goes round and round in my head.  yuk

Yes, I totally agree with you. It's hard for me because right now I'm processing the stuff I never did as a child, so I'm feeling angry and resentful for things that happened in the past. Then I try to remind myself that she isn't always bad and try to make myself aware when I seem to be "demonizing" her for no actual (present) reason. It's tough!

[Peacewithin]

Oops!  I accidentally swore in my post.  Sorry about that.