Need support

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Thanks in advance for listening.  Just before Easter I came to the inevitable conclusion that if the rest of my life was going to be worth living I was going to need to leave my BPD husband of 17 years.  I finally knew in my heart of hearts that all my hopes for "learning how to be happy in spite of"... .or for something changing him (me, business success, time, material items) was never going to happen.  I finally told my husband that I was done and the relationship was over.  To those of you in the know, I don't need to describe in the detail the intermittent emotional abuse alternating with positive reinforcement that went on for pretty much our entire marriage.  I did get him on meds once - the happiest two years of my life, and into counseling 3 times --that was short lived and not productive.   He had an abusive childhood, his father was an alcoholic and his mother clearly had BPD.  I've suspected the diagnosis of BPD for nearly half the marriage and read "walking on eggshells, etc".  I was in therapy twice alone... .but all the fixes were temporary.    The current situation is that we have agreed upon an amicable separation but he wants to stay in the house until the end of June (and I've stupidly said OK) until he closes on his house.   He's devastated and wants to be best friends forever.  He is back to the charming self I met, loved and married.  No worries, I'm not buying in... .I'm certain this is better than vitriol but honestly, I'm a wreck.  I am seeing a therapist and I have a lot of good friends whose response to the separation news is "sorry for the relationship, but really happy for you".   While I have brief moments of real joy looking at what my future could be like and the potential for happiness ahead, I have been really surprised at the range of emotions I have experienced and the depth of my grief, anger and frankly, shame.  I can't believe that I lost my boundaries and didn't stand up for myself long ago.  I'm pissed off that I'm having trouble asking him to get out of the house now.   I'm pissed off that I couldn't change him, that he didn't believe me when I said he needed help, that he has no insight into how he has made me feel.   I'm fearful that he'll keep his hooks in me as "best friends",  while he discreetly moves on with his life, marks items off his checklist of happiness requirements and then one day announces the new love in his life that is this time REALLY the best thing that ever happened to him.  I'm pissed that all his acquaintances think he is the most wonderful person in the world:  He will tell them how this was "out of the blue" and completely devastating and that I left him because "I wasn't happy"-- even after he lived every moment of his day to make me happy!  And they will agree, what a wonderful being he is.    I'm pissed that he will also tell them that he paid for everything and I "took more than half" in our separation when in reality I was an equally successful professional and our split was 50/50. 

... .And then I read about the dysfunction of BPD and I feel sorry for him and I think I should be more kind and forgiving... .and as you can imagine, that's a stretch right now!  LOL.    Over the last days, I've read articles about leaving people with BPD... These include references to the the co-pathology of the person who gets involved with a person with BPD.  Yep, we are screwed up too because we are "caretakers and fixers"... (I'm a doctor)... .Apparently we get hooked up with these folks because we've got a big black hole inside us too... .and so now, we've got to figure out why we got into such a screwed up relationship or we're just going to repeat it all over again.  It all just seems a huge hurdle to be presented with when one is already feeling broken trying to leave an exhausting relationship.  I'm trying to do all the right things for a recovery and I'm sure it will get better but I could sure use some words of encouragement.  Thank you. 

[Dark horse]

Thanks in advance for listening.  Just before Easter I came to the inevitable conclusion that if the rest of my life was going to be worth living I was going to need to leave my BPD husband of 17 years.  I finally knew in my heart of hearts that all my hopes for "learning how to be happy in spite of"... .or for something changing him (me, business success, time, material items) was never going to happen.  I finally told my husband that I was done and the relationship was over.  To those of you in the know, I don't need to describe in the detail the intermittent emotional abuse alternating with positive reinforcement that went on for pretty much our entire marriage.  I did get him on meds once - the happiest two years of my life, and into counseling 3 times --that was short lived and not productive.   He had an abusive childhood, his father was an alcoholic and his mother clearly had BPD.  I've suspected the diagnosis of BPD for nearly half the marriage and read "walking on eggshells, etc".  I was in therapy twice alone... .but all the fixes were temporary.    The current situation is that we have agreed upon an amicable separation but he wants to stay in the house until the end of June (and I've stupidly said OK) until he closes on his house.   He's devastated and wants to be best friends forever.  He is back to the charming self I met, loved and married.  No worries, I'm not buying in... .I'm certain this is better than vitriol but honestly, I'm a wreck.  I am seeing a therapist and I have a lot of good friends whose response to the separation news is "sorry for the relationship, but really happy for you".   While I have brief moments of real joy looking at what my future could be like and the potential for happiness ahead, I have been really surprised at the range of emotions I have experienced and the depth of my grief, anger and frankly, shame.  I can't believe that I lost my boundaries and didn't stand up for myself long ago.  I'm pissed off that I'm having trouble asking him to get out of the house now.   I'm pissed off that I couldn't change him, that he didn't believe me when I said he needed help, that he has no insight into how he has made me feel.   I'm fearful that he'll keep his hooks in me as "best friends",  while he discreetly moves on with his life, marks items off his checklist of happiness requirements and then one day announces the new love in his life that is this time REALLY the best thing that ever happened to him.  I'm pissed that all his acquaintances think he is the most wonderful person in the world:  He will tell them how this was "out of the blue" and completely devastating and that I left him because "I wasn't happy"-- even after he lived every moment of his day to make me happy!  And they will agree, what a wonderful being he is.    I'm pissed that he will also tell them that he paid for everything and I "took more than half" in our separation when in reality I was an equally successful professional and our split was 50/50. 

... .And then I read about the dysfunction of BPD and I feel sorry for him and I think I should be more kind and forgiving... .and as you can imagine, that's a stretch right now!  LOL.    Over the last days, I've read articles about leaving people with BPD... These include references to the the co-pathology of the person who gets involved with a person with BPD.  Yep, we are screwed up too because we are "caretakers and fixers"... (I'm a doctor)... .Apparently we get hooked up with these folks because we've got a big black hole inside us too... .and so now, we've got to figure out why we got into such a screwed up relationship or we're just going to repeat it all over again.  It all just seems a huge hurdle to be presented with when one is already feeling broken trying to leave an exhausting relationship.  I'm trying to do all the right things for a recovery and I'm sure it will get better but I could sure use some words of encouragement.  Thank you. 

[heartandwhole]

Hi Dark horse,



I'm sorry to hear that your marriage is ending. It's bad enough to go through that, especially after 17 years together. Add BPD into the mix, and it can feel overwhelming. You are not alone.    I was not married to pwBPD, but I can relate toy your emotions being all over the place. The depth of the grieving can be a surprise.

You've found a great support network here. Members understand what you are going through. Yes, we havevour own issues that drew us and kept us in these relationships. You don't have to tackle everything right out of the gate, though.

I recommend being gentle with yourself and giving yourself some time and space to grieve this loss.

Have you read this article?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

It helped so much when I first got here, confused and hurting.

Things DO get better. They have for me, and they will for you, too. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[doy]

Hi Darkhorse, just a quick reply before i head out of the house. i read your story , this could be the story of the wife of the man i had a 6 moths affair with. incl the 17 years, therapy , him on meds, etc. the similarities are crazy. however  i am dutch so luckily we cannot be talking about the same guy

i felt i met my soulmate , the love of my life. he wanted to leave his wife. classic story. until his behavior flipped and started pouring into a textbook BPD case. we broke up 5 weeks ago.
i am sorry for the pain you are going through , it sounds really hard but you also sound really clear . i agree with heartandwhole not to cope with everything at once.
i mean your gut told you enough is enough... .the reasons why (  BPD, abuse, your own possible codependency) are things to get into ONE BY ONE.
do not push yourself and accept the grief , anger hate , even doubt that is coming to you in this period. try to guide your grieved mind a bit and allow not too much at a time.
for me it works quite well to allow myself to cry , be angry, write, be all BPD occupied , every other day. the other days i try to stay productive: work exercise , see friends.
just for futures sake.
 
you shouldn't skip this phase, however hard it is.
 it is probably one of the most important ones in your life.
keep posting, whatever your feelings are.

[doy]

oh , why i mentioned the similarities is because i saw what happened to his wife of 17 years , and what almost happened to me. BPD is devastating.
i wish she would even get so far as to see what you see ( he has only been diagnosed with but she is going through hell daily.  ) , it is halfway there to see what is happening and wiggle your way out. it doesn't go at once, but you are on the right track

[Dark horse]

Thank you so much for the advice and encouragement heartandwhole and doy.  I did find that article on surviving and had already posted it to my computer homepage so I can read it over every few days as a reminder.  It's really good to hear that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I'll try to keep focusing on the aspects of my recovery that I can manage and hope that time and therapy heals the rest.  It helps so much to talk here and know that others really understand what its like to go through this.  Its really "something"... . 

[Stjarna]

Hi Dark Horse -- Your story resonated so deeply with me.  Four years ago I left a marriage of 40 years to my husband with undiagnosed (but definitely all the signs, including the rages, projection, gaslighting, manipulation, and many suicide attempts). 

The last four years has been quite a journey - both with wonderful, healing experiences with family, friends, and my support system with my friends, co-workers, and church (I joined the Unity Church shortly after our breakup - so thankfully I could start anew without others knowing both of us), along with a deep, deep grief, lots of tears, confusing feelings of moving ahead for my own mental health battling constant "I should take care of him if he is ill" thoughts. 

He was a very good salesman and expert manipulator, so I feared some of the things that you do - i.e.,

I'm pissed that all his acquaintances think he is the most wonderful person in the world:  He will tell them how this was "out of the blue" and completely devastating and that I left him because "I wasn't happy"-- even after he lived every moment of his day to make me happy!  And they will agree, what a wonderful being he is.    I'm pissed that he will also tell them that he paid for everything and I "took more than half" in our separation when in reality I was an equally successful professional and our split was 50/50.

Yes, he tried this.  However, whenever I did hear from someone who knew both of us, I got such overwhelming support and validation, "We always knew you were being manipulated."  "We always felt so sorry for you."  "We always knew there was something terribly wrong with him."  Thank goodness you found your way out."   

I guess they don't fool as many people as we think they do.  These boards remain a huge comfort to me and a true instrument in my recovery (even though I mostly read and haven't posted much).  I did (and still do) have some deep work to do to identify and heal my part in the dysfunction.  The book that has helped me lately on my journey is The Human Magnet Syndrome - Why We Love People Who Hurt Us by Ross Rosenberg. 

I want you to know that there may be "stuff" to go through -- but there definitely is light and peace beyond this.  Hugs... .

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Dark Horse -

I feel your pain in my bones, my body... .I don't really know if my husband of 19 years had BPD, but there was something off there - my marriage ended the night he threw me across the room, I hit the wall and landed on the floor.  I have to tell myself that most of our years were happy.  I have to tell myself that.  So I went from the frying pan into the fire... .

I fled my home and my beloved town.  And 2.5 years after my divorce was final I began a 3.5 year relationship with the most charming man in the world.  I thought he was amazing.   Giving, a great communicator, Talented, handsome as all get out and completely head over heels in LOVE with me.  Me.  And then it came out.  Smoke and mirrors.  My GOD... .I had no idea this kind of rage existed.  The things he did to me.  I forgave the unforgivable.  I was blamed for everything.  I was still standing on shaky ground when we met and he knew it, so I was prime for the picking.

I didn't understand any of it.  I blamed myself.  He blamed me.  He called me names.  He lied and stole from me.  The only thing he didn't do was cheat on me.  And during the very infrequent times when we went out, he NEVER looked at another woman.  That part was so odd to me, because my husband was a gawker to the point of being hurtful.  These two men are somehow now folding into one blinding pain, but that's not the point.  I'm sorry, I'm rambling.  You see... .I just discovered 6 days ago that what I was dealing with was BPD. 

I was able to let the BPD man go the morning after Easter, when he entered a rage and issued another of his "threats" to leave.  To me that would be his last rage and his last threat.  I am so torn up and empty.

You ARE doing the right thing.  It is the only way to breathe again.  The impressions and opinions of people who didn't live what you were living don't matter.  They can't matter.  He is going to lie.  That's what they do.  They lie.  That can't matter to you.   Your fears are real.  Believe me.  I am so scared too.  I have left this relationship.  I will be 60 this year.  Yep.  Alone and 60.  But alive and breathing and soon to be 60.  But a spring in my step 60!  I am ashamed too.  Ashamed because I am smart and I let this happen again.  Ashamed that during my marriage I paid for everything.  Ashamed that during my relationship with the BPD man I again paid for everything, despite his bragging about his financial strength! 

Stab you with horrific words, then kiss you.  Lie to you then speak in a boy's voice and say "but I'm just a boy".  Humiliate you in front of your friends.  Rage at you.  Actually scream to the point where his face becomes unrecognizable.  Help you with something and then yells at you for helping you.  Things in your home are missing.  Then you stop laughing... .and you're actually a very funny person.  Says horrible things about every friend you have.  Then he starts in on your immediate family members.  Has no relationship with his own kids.  These individuals are NOT reflective.  They don't know how to be.  It is not on their fabric.  He will never understand or feel the pain he has or will cause you.

And no,  you cannot be friends with him.  Please don't consider that. I am the only friend my BPD man currently has, or had.  That's why each time we split up before he has begged me to get back together and I relented because I felt so sorry for him.  I wanted to help him.  I cannot help him anymore.  But he is so handsome.  I have fleeting thoughts of his next woman.  I have to let them go.  He WILL find another girl very soon.  And then she will deal with shame and a broken heart and ask herself these very same questions... .how did I let this happen?

[Dark horse]

Stjarna and Gemsforeyes -- thank you so much for sharing your stories.  It really helps me so much to stay on this right path!  Your stories remind me of even more stuff he's done that I forgot about while he is being "so nice to me" right now.  Its funny in a sick kind of way, and yes, I used to be "funny too"!   

Thank you for the book recommendation, I'm ordering now and will put it on my to do list.   

[Gemsforeyes]

Sorry - I didn't intend to write all of this... .I got carried away.  But maybe there's some hope in here for you somewhere?

Hi Dark Horse - 

Just keep your eyes to the stars... .i.e. Chin Up! And I'm amending your screen name to Dark Horse with a Triple Crown.  Something super positive, despite the muddy track.  We all just need one another to get through theses experiences.  And divorce is so painful... .you'll need steady hands on those reins.  No matter what he says to you.

So odd to get more support from the kindness of strangers than one's own family.  Although I haven't asked my family for support.  If someone hasn't lived it, Perhaps they can't understand the confusion involved.  Perhaps they can't understand why we stayed so long trying to help these people.  It was the love, the deep commitment.  The unwavering belief that he REALLY was the man he first presented to me.  And then BOOM!  But my love is strong and deep enough to help him through this!  I had traumatic experiences when I was young and I don't treat people like this, so he can get better too.  He just hasn't been loved in the right way.  Or so I thought.  Wrong... .I have never been more wrong in my life.  We believed we could help them. 

I started to believe the names he was calling me.  But I will say, I had seen the old movie "Gaslight" years ago.  I've actually seen it a few times.  And I did start saying to myself, "what, is he trying to gaslight me?"  That was way before we split up and way before this BPD came into focus.  I knew nothing about BPD when I said the word "gaslight" out loud to myself.  Which came first, the movie or the word?  I don't even know... .no matter.

I still alternate between self loathing, shame and feelings of freedom.  Sounds manic, but it's not really that.  And I do have brief periods where I miss him.  But I don't think I love him.  If that thought enters, I ask myself, or my dog, or my friend, "what is there to love?"

When I read all the things I've written to myself, I cannot believe what I accepted as my "normal".  And I'm afraid to consciously look further back, but I don't think that's a choice any longer.  This escape from my ex-BPD has brought up things I thought were long buried, but apparently were not.  They were just blocked because the "current" was so painful.  And now it's like a tsunami, but very conscious. Okay, so now I will do the trauma therapy and hopefully truly release it all.  I was waking up with crying nightmares when he was here.  And I did that just prior to my marital separation and during my divorce.

And now I'll end on a high note.  Have you ever had a "flying dream"?  Well, I used to have them pretty often and then they stopped.  They would come from nowhere and I had never asked them to come.  I'm not a big prayers at bedtime person.  I usually do a little chit chat and sometimes ask GOD to bring my dad to me.  So about 10 days ago I asked if I could please have a flying dream in my real home area.  I was granted my request and I felt this incredibly vivid dream over my entire body, from head to toe.  I felt my hair and my clothes blowing in the wind.  I flew over the town, over country roads, over the coastline, over the sea and it was amazing.  I felt every bit of the temperature changes and every breeze.  I woke up, I guess when I landed.  Thanked GOD, and said to myself, I guess I CAN have what I want. It was a true awakening.  I am no longer afraid to go to sleep.

[Dark horse]

Gemsforeyes- What a lovely gift, your dream.  I'm a spiritual person and I think the Universe sends us encouragement when we need hope.  I think its why I found this site in the depths of my despair this weekend.  I'm so grateful to you all.     I'm going to keep your Triple Crown metaphor in mind.  I picked the name dark horse - because the "dark horse" is the horse that no one thinks will win,  but does - right?  You've inspired me to believe that my Kentucky Derby victory was telling him I was ending the relationship, my preakness will be getting him out of the house and the Belmont will be my personal healing and moving on.  I didn't say I'd win all 3 races in a year, but that would be nice wouldn't it... .:-)

I actually do have supportive family and friends that I can talk to, but here I'm finding people who understand the "hooked in" part in a way that my friends and family don't understand is so hard to overcome.  I mean they are like, "Kick his *ss out of the house". ... .and I'm like, "yeah, I should do that... ".   Its so pathetic its kind of funny.  As the depth of my own "pathology" in this relationship is sinking in - it makes it a bit harder to complain to others about how bad things are-- if they don't really understand the experience like those who are here do. 
Sweet dreams!

[StayStrongNow]

I like the name darkhorse, that name is given to a group of people who think the darkhorse (favorite) will win. You shall have victory but most likely it will take some work and determination. Amid a broken heart, shattered dreams, shams and many other hits to the spirit, soul and mind the road won't be easy. But you planted your seed of victory by coming to this site and by your posting your story here. Please keep reading and posting, I am on the way up from my own Valley of Death and you help me by posting. You will never get "over" the grieving process but if you keep coming back and renew your faith you will "get through" this process. I do like your name darkhorse and I think you will get through all this and along the way when you get an understanding of all this you will be able to help many people go through their struggles also. The stories may be different but the crux of the situation with r/s with pwBPD are really the same. I wish you so much success in your journey to detach and heal Darkhorse. Keep posting!

[Dark horse]

Thank you StayStrongNow!  Your encouragement helps alot.  I'm going to try to push up the "move out date" today.