He's getting in my head...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

One thing he has said during his outburst is sticking in my brain. That I refuse to fully "let him in to my life".

This is not untrue and I think that's why it's bothering me. Everything else is just  rage fueled blind insult hurdling. But this one - this is true. I have only let him have so much access. I have held back my children, I have disconnected many times from complete communication on the days we're not together, I have not shared my relationship with my family.

The reasonable part of me recognizes this is survival. How do you expose somebody who is so explosive to your kids? How could I ever tell my mother about this person who has literally spit on me and ask her to accept this for her daughter? I couldn't... I could never share with her the full truth. How do I survive him if I don't hold something back for myself that is just mine?

And yet, how can a relationship ever work if you can't do those things?

Can somebody please remind me that I'm not crazy for having held these things back? Or does he have a point on this one? I need clearer minds to weigh in... .

[Lalathegreat]

One thing he has said during his outburst is sticking in my brain. That I refuse to fully "let him in to my life".

This is not untrue and I think that's why it's bothering me. Everything else is just  rage fueled blind insult hurdling. But this one - this is true. I have only let him have so much access. I have held back my children, I have disconnected many times from complete communication on the days we're not together, I have not shared my relationship with my family.

The reasonable part of me recognizes this is survival. How do you expose somebody who is so explosive to your kids? How could I ever tell my mother about this person who has literally spit on me and ask her to accept this for her daughter? I couldn't... I could never share with her the full truth. How do I survive him if I don't hold something back for myself that is just mine?

And yet, how can a relationship ever work if you can't do those things?

Can somebody please remind me that I'm not crazy for having held these things back? Or does he have a point on this one? I need clearer minds to weigh in... .

[byfaith]

LL,
You are simply protecting the people that you love. I wish I would have done that. You are not crazy. Hopefully he won't guilt you into letting up on those boundaries.

I am finally getting to restore broken and hurt relationships, after 6 years. Don't let him in your head

my mind is getting clear

BF

[DaddyBear77]

You're not crazy for holding those things back.

There. I reminded you.  

And honestly? When I read the title of your post ("He's getting in my head... .", my reaction BEFORE I EVEN OPENED IT was "... .then KICK HIM OUT!" And do what GK said in his last post. Make friends with the block / mute functions on all your devices!

You're right in that a relationship can't work without intimacy - I'm sure you've read this, but it doesn't hurt to refresh:
The Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

And finally, one of the things that has been a big issue for me is buying in to what's being said. I can't tell you how many times I've been told how much of a narcissist I am, how unable I am to show any empathy. Um, yeah - I think anyone can see that the opposite is true. I asked a therapist once - ":)o you think I'M the one with BPD / NPD?" and she said "Well, considering you talk about yourself about once every 10 sessions, and the rest of the time you talk about her, what do YOU think?"

So, what do YOU think?

[Grey Kitty]

Yes, it is true.

And yes, it is the right thing to do, keeping some distance.

The more you let him in, the more vulnerable you are to him, the more he can hurt you. (Or hurt you through attacking things important to you like your kids.)

A romantic relationship starts out with you as total strangers at the beginning, and you don't trust strangers very much. Over time you take successively larger risks and make yourself successively more vulnerable to the other person. Hopefully you do this at a rate which seems safe to you, and the person proves that they are trustworthy at higher levels over time, as you let them in more.

It isn't safe for you to let him in farther. In fact, it may not be safe to leave him in as much as he is.

And yet, how can a relationship ever work if you can't do those things?

The more you shut him out, the more you limit your relationship. It may reach a point where the part which still feels "safe" with him isn't worth bothering with, and you will choose to end it.

OTOH, if you enforce good boundaries, you will stop participating in the messy games and patterns you have with him, and there will be an opportunity for him to do better. (After the extinction burst / adjustment period, that is!)

If you both improve, you may find yourself able to let him more.

[Lalathegreat]

Thank you - returning to my senses... .

Daddybear - if I had a dollar for every time pwBPD accused me of transference in his rants today I'd board a plane to Europe and never return! Interesting how their minds work.

[Keepingreal]

My I-guess-now-an-ex (see my post) used to accuse me of "gaslighting" him every time I tried to talk to him about his BPD, even though he had been diagnosed by the most respected psychiatrist in the state. I think your pwBPD is probably mirroring his own self-perceptions, the ones he can't accept but is nonetheless aware of.

I am still pretty new to this site, and even to the community, but I appreciate and identify with the feeling of 1% of accusations being true leading to self-doubt, when it's totally not warranted in reality.