Fighting the urge to make contact

[RomanticFool]

It's been over 6 weeks since I walked away from my exuBPD married lover.

Part of my pattern is that I can do the first few weeks of NC and live off the resolution that this will be better for me but then my emotions kick in and I falter.

She made contact a week ago (after I walked away with 5 weeks NC) which took most of last week to resolve in a tortuous manner. I could have talked my way back in I think, but I asked her the main question that was on my mind: ':)o you still want me?' This was answered with how conflicted she is and she can't give me what I want etc. So in my righteous indignation and abandonment pain, I sabotaged any chance we may have had with 'Leave me alone then and do what you have to do.' I guess I gave her all the power back by asking that question.

Even though it was me who walked away, it was her that ended it with her assertion that we couldn't see each other because her husband had discovered the affair. I really didn't want to do it but I sensed it wasn't true and she was using it as a reason to distance herself again. It was the right thing to do. I was angry on the reconnection (I thought she might have tried to talk me out of walking away) and then a little kinder. I did the best I could in difficult circumstances. Nobody could say I was not magnanimous in the end. I told her how much I loved her and that I am grateful for the time we had together.

So why do I still feel there is no closure? I'm really fighting the urge to contact her today. I miss her.

[once removed]

i think thats its normal and okay to miss her, and that the urge to contact her is understandable.

what helped me was learning to check my impulses. i found that nine times out of ten, they would pass, and i would feel better, and more in control. i also told myself that it wasnt like there was something stopping me from contacting my ex. i could contact her any time i wanted, but that now wasnt the time.

you left things on a very positive note, and with grace. things are quiet now, and grieving is setting in, and that can feel scary. this will likely pass.

if it helps, you might try writing down what you wish to say to her.

[RomanticFool]

Thanks Once Removed,

I think if I was going to contact her it would be with a poem, which she never ever responded to in a positive way. The thought of her reaction to my poetry makes me laugh out loud now. So this is not so much for her, but for me:

LOST LOVES

When I think of all the loves I've had
The pain and longing, feeling bad
Hours lost in hopeless ecstasy
Dream lovers lying next to me

The aching grind of my torment
Tears of unrequited bleak lament
Those wasted hours wrestling grief
Dark music offering no relief

I wondered why I had to bear
The agony of each affair
How they battered self esteem
Every passion more extreme

The toll it took on my good health
I never quite recovered stealth
What's the point of suffering
To spend ten years recovering

The burden of such heady love
Is like a curse from God above
The times I felt my heart would break
Vowed not to make the same mistake

And yet I wouldn't change a thing
That exquisite helpless pandering
To the whim of some divine Goddess
Who snared me with her nakedness

I yearn to live it all again
But next time to embrace the pain
What's the point in breathing air
Without a devastating love affair

[roberto516]

I was going to suggest to do what you just did. Write the message you'd want to send here. And you hit the nail on the head. Breaking contact is for us to get closure. We can get closure through ourselves. So much easier said than done. I know. I struggle every day still with no contact. But "this too shall pass"