She's running her own mother's day celebration

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I asked several times in the past couple weeks if she wanted anything in particular.  She said no.

I had several of the kids helping get the house straightened up and ready for tomorrow when my wife came home and took over.

I asked her several times if she would rather relax and let us handle it.  She kept repeating that she didn't want to deal with it tomorrow.

Finally I said "I offered... .I'll respect your choice."  and walked from the room.  She hollered a bit "is there a problem" to which I didn't respond. 

She's gone out and gotten a bunch of food she wants, her own flowers and sent the kids out to play. 

I've been steering clear of her and doing other things.

This is shaping up to be an "odd" mother's day weekend.  I've seen some odd stuff before... .but this is new.

FF

[formflier]

I asked several times in the past couple weeks if she wanted anything in particular.  She said no.

I had several of the kids helping get the house straightened up and ready for tomorrow when my wife came home and took over.

I asked her several times if she would rather relax and let us handle it.  She kept repeating that she didn't want to deal with it tomorrow.

Finally I said "I offered... .I'll respect your choice."  and walked from the room.  She hollered a bit "is there a problem" to which I didn't respond. 

She's gone out and gotten a bunch of food she wants, her own flowers and sent the kids out to play. 

I've been steering clear of her and doing other things.

This is shaping up to be an "odd" mother's day weekend.  I've seen some odd stuff before... .but this is new.

FF

[BeagleGirl]

FF,
Is it possible that she has convinced herself that you and the kids don't intend to celebrate Mother's Day in a way that would be meaningful to her?  

There may not be much you can do at this point, and it doesn't sound like her fears (if that's what is driving the strange behavior) are grounded.

I do have experience with those fears that Mother's Day would be just another normal day. I don't think I've really unpacked the thought process before, but now that you mention this, I have been tempted to take over Mother's Day plans when I thought my kids had nothing planned or were doing things my husband told them to do "under duress". As much as I know this is a "Hallmark holiday" it can feel like a test of how good a mother you are. If you are a good mother your kids are excited about serving you breakfast in bed and treating you like a queen all day. They give you thoughtful gifts, preferably hand made, and say/write specific things about what a great mom you are that you treasure forever. If you are a mediocre mom, your kids may not even mumble "Happy Mother's Day" at you as they eat the breakfast YOU prepared and either don't give you anything or give a generic card.  

As someone who spent most of my motherhood waiting in bed until the last minute in hopes that my kids would surprise me then rushing to make them breakfast and get them out the door for church, I know what disappointed expectations can do to you. I also know that it's silly to place so much meaning on something your kids probably don't even know you want (because I won't give up the belief that if I have to ask for it, it doesn't mean as much). In my case, I would feel extra hurt because I would walk my boys through making Father's Day special for BPDh and think "they HAVE to know what they could/should do for my special day since I've trained them to do it for their dad".

All of this seems a bit silly and even manipulative as I write it. It's also incredibly painful. I spent Mother's Day 3 years ago with my dad preparing for his mom's funeral. I waited all day for a call from my husband or kids, wishing me a happy Mother's Day. When the call finally came there was no mention of the occasion, just a normal "catch up" call. That was the last "proof" I needed to "know" that I didn't mean anything to my husband (yep. He got the blame for not coaching the boys) and to help me justify moving from an emotional affair to a physical affair when I returned from that trip. That's how loaded Mother's Day can be.

Just to be clear, I know that all of this is unhealthy thinking. I also know enough women that think along these lines to know it is possibly baked in to the whole Hallmark holiday.  I also know that pretty much anything could have served as the proof I wanted to see 3 years ago and that NOTHING justifies what I did.

So if you want my advice, sit your wife down and tell her, step by step, how you and the kids planned to make "her day" special. Make sure she hears that you aren't celebrating her out of a sense of obligation, but because the Hallmark holiday is a good reminder to thank her for all she is and does as a mother. Give her the option to suggest alterations to the plan and relieve her of taking responsibility for communicating the change of plans to the kids. If she wants to take over, pick one thing (I suggest breakfast) that you insist on doing (having the kids do) for her in honor of the day and do it with enough enthusiasm and love that she may feel comfortable letting go of control of the rest of the day. If she doesn't, realize (and help the kids realize) it's something broken in her that a single day can't fix, but what you have done is a good start.

Happy Mother's Day,
BeagleGirl

[formflier]

No idea how long they stayed up.  My wife is asleep on couch with S9.  D4 just came down the steps and got in the couch with mommy. 

I've got biscuits in the oven that will be done here in a bit.

If it turns out we need to use the bed in my (our) room it is made and ready to go.  The room is presentable (not perfect... but close).

I'm going to start rousting kids here in a few minutes.   Basically building and extra 30 minutes into the morning for whatever is going to happen here.

My plan for the morning is breakfast in bed (couch) and present the card from the kids.  It is the coolest card ever... .all the kids agree.

An extra Mothers Day card showed up last night.  Kids started filling it out.  I asked them who got the card and nobody knows.  I asked them to stop filling it out since it could be for... .? Who knows


Anyway... .gotta go check the biscuits.

FF

[Fian]

So how did Mother's Day go?

[formflier]

Decent at first... .then stunningly well.  Monday morning was worse than average as she went off to work... .

I gathered kids and gave her "breakfast in bed".  :)9 corrected that is was "breakfast in couch".  My wife was visibly agitated over that... .but it seemed she made a choice not to engage it.

Lots of snuggling on the couch... .she enjoyed the biscuits.  Even in her pissy mood she had to acknowledge the card was the best one ever.  

It was a "singing card" with a motorized spinning dog inside.  Looks and acts exactly like our little 5lb dog.  My wife loves that little dog like nothing else... .everybody in the family gets it... .

So... lots of anxiety from my wife about getting a seat in church because "all the mom's will be there".  We ended up leaving late... she was very agitated again but seemed to be trying to control it (good on her... )

The spike the ball moment came as we were about to enter the sanctuary (which was a relative ghost town)... .the countdown to service starting was at 15 seconds and counting down.  

My wife realized that our oldest S21 was standing there with flowers.  He had driven in the night before from college and surprised her.  "Everyone" saw the hug and got the surprise... . Pastor patted me and S21 on the back... .gave us a "nice work... ."

Several kids skipped Sunday school (after the service) to come home and prep for the cook out.  Wife and I took S21 to sunday school with us for "show and tell" (it was his first trip to the class).  One of the pastors that had seen the "scene" with flowers earlier made a big deal about it in class... .a collective "awwwww" from the rest of Sunday school.

I rolled with it even though I knew in back of my head that a really "high" place will come crashing down.  

Cookout and family time was top notch for rest of the day.  My wife spent lots of time with kids... .very carefree day.  

This morning she seemed agitated getting ready to go to work.  My asking about status of her lunch was triggering... .I normally make it for her, it appeared she made it the day before.   I asked if she would like me to put together anything else for her lunch and she was emphatic in pointing out it was already done.  

She did ask me to bring it up to the foyer for her.  I said ok... .she repeated her request a few more times.  I replied once more that "I'll have it up there in a few minutes"

Then during her drive to work there was an above average number of text bombs for a Monday morning.  

I offered to discuss in person... .she didn't respond to the offer but kept text bombing.  I didn't further engage.

My "personal" mother's day card to her is still on her pillow... .apparently unopened.  She spent last night sleeping alone on the couch... again.

Anway... .I enjoyed it.  She seemed to enjoy mothers day.  As I expected... .after a "really good day" there was a "bigger" than normal "bad" thing (textbombing) soon after.

My strategy for calmness in the house is to drive all of my decisions and actions towards neutrality.  When she blows up I try to disengage quickly and offer to deal with the issue later (there is rarely a later).

FF

[flourdust]

Is the text bombing about anything in particular? What's the tone?

[formflier]

 
Big picture:  The only textbombs I get are on Monday morning... .usually 1 or 2 lines... . In the big scheme of things, what I got today was not that bad.

My guess is that she gets pissed she is going to work and I'm "laying around the house doing nothing... "

It's been months since there was a Monday morning text that got followed up on.

I was out running errands (taking kids to early appointments) and wanted to know if I should donate a bag of clothes... .so... .I guess "it's my fault"   for starting it.

See below... .what do you guys think?




FF Are clothes in back of cruiser to donate?
7:38 AM

FF wife:  Yes
 
FF wife:  How is your lawyer doing trying to get you disability?
 
FF:  I will have to ask him.
FF:  I will donate the clothes this morning
7:39 AM
FF wife:  Are you getting disability payments other than from the military right now?
FF wife:  You don't know you don't know?
 
FF wife:  Why you not accepted my friend request on Facebook?
 
FF:  If you would like I will schedule time to discuss this in person.
7:42 AM
FF wife:  Why did you tell me you haven't been on Facebook when you actually have a Facebook account now?
FF wife:  How about instead of stopping communication you just answer the questions

FF wife:  We were texting before why all the sudden is it not okay anymore?
  7:43 AM
 

My wife thinks I have faked my disabilities.  She actually verbalizes this to those that will listen.  I'm 100% permanent and total through the VA.  There is a special program through SS disability where 100% P&T vets get to "head of the line". 

I don't know anything about SS, so I've retained a specialist lawyer to assist. 

Let's just say my wife is not supportive... .

One of my kids is on extended travel.  Little time or internet so FB is where I can get some limited updates.  I have 1 friend (the kid).

My wife's version of what I "told" her about facebook is from La La land.

FF

[flourdust]

Oh, yeah, I see.

When being text bombed, my usual strategy was to say something like "Get back to you later" if it was a valid topic or ignore it if it wasn't.

[formflier]

Yeah... what you see is my usual.

It sort of says "I'm not going to discuss this via text... .but I am willing to discuss this with you... .when we both can be emotionally safe... .blah blah blah.

Dude... .in the grand scheme of things... .this was nothing.  I had kids with me this morning and sort of eyerolled a bit... .thought about a response... .sent it... .

There was a minute or two where I really... .really wanted to explain to her "why" I wouldn't text... .  After I thought about it for a few more minutes I decided that while it would be satisfying... .it would be counterproductive.

FF

[Sunfl0wer]

I wonder if it would be helpful for you to revisit Radical Acceptance on your wife not aknowleging your disability.  Seems she uses the topic to put a thorn in you and is an ongoing conflict of realities between you two.  It invalidates your reality for her to question your disability status.  It invalidates her reality that you are even trying to persue this stuff.

Imo, RA looks like this: My wife cannot be married to a man labeled disabled.  She will not accept that.

I am not sure what good ever comes of you discussing disability stuff with her, other than it is part of day to day stuff that may need a discussion to some extent, I recommend minimizing it and trying to steer off it whenever possible.

Isn't there anything that makes her feel good?  Like does it help to change the topic quick then, "Hey, forgot to tell you thanks for getting kids lunches ready even tho you have a busy day ahead of you" <insert customized compliment here>

I only say this cause I was at work today... .this very critical lady who looks for reasons to harp on me and was ready for a pounce... .I know she thinks the world of herself for being a mom.  I interrupted what we were saying took the conversation off track a sec to express a Happy Mother's Day.  She was overjoyed to be aknowledged for being a mom.  She melted and became cooperative.  Idk, I likely got lucky and all, but just a thought. 

Seems she looks external for emotional regulation, kinda figured you can steer towards regulating in a opposite direction than she is trying to head, idk.

[formflier]

Yeah... .we don't talk about disability... rarely.

She brought it up today for the first time in... .months.  You can see how I deflected it.  :)idn't really say I wouldn't talk to her about it... .just said we could talk later in person.


The "compliment bomb" works sometimes.  I try to use it rarely... .so that it is effective if needed.  Frankly, I sometimes use it manipulatively to get my way (... . ) or if I really don't want to deal with whatever the BS of the moment is.

Full disclosure... .sometimes the "sex bomb" or "orgasm bomb" will work as well.  There are times when she wants to spit nails and I can touch her a certain way... .offer to make her holler... .and it can shift the tide.

However... with both of these... .they can also just add fuel to the fire... .at which point disengagement is usually the only option.

True story from a few weeks ago.  Wife is on warpath... .luckily it wasn't for me... .yet... .but I figured I would play the "mom card" and I pulled out a note that D6 had written, that I found... saying something nice about mommy.  The ice queen melted for a while... .   

I suppose I didn't try either of these during the "mother's day takeover"... .because there was a curious side of me that wanted to see where it will go.


FF