Shellshocked

[Patusito]

Hi. I don't really know where to start as this is a confusing story to tell. I will try my best to summarize. I have first met my ex in a mental institution 7 years ago but then we met again 3 years ago and she pursued me heart and quite quickly opened up and told me that she is in love. She pursued me from Switzerland all the way to Singapore where I was working. She told me that she was raped as a 5 year old. Also she told me that she was living with her ex and explained it that they have a codependency as he is also a victim of some sort of abuse. I wasn't so intrested at first but she would sexually satisfy immediately and as time went by I became more and more looked and developed a strong bond. I then partially came back to her to switzerland to focus on us. Very soon I realized that she would lie, withhold info and especially her whereabouts. What scares me the most is that I could never meet anyone who knows her and especially her ex. I started to insist on the truth and that iwanzed to meet anyone or him at least. That's  when I really started to suffer greatly as she rejected me constantly and ignored my wishes. She then opened up about BPD. She would always blame her behaviour on BPD and warned that she has a mean side. She would always insist that she needs more time to have the courage to integrate me into her life. My suffering was completely ignored and I started drinking heavily and she knew it. I felt and still feel abandoned about that. How can anyone just ignore it and still insist a thousand times that I'm the love of her life and she wants babies with me?
Our daily interactions were  mostly over WhatsApp and we causally met in hotels or spend a weekend together. Always alone. Last year I started to get very angry and i split up countless times. She would call me and cry like a pig and send me photos of self inflicted wounds with blood. I started to see her less and I promised myself to cut loose of her asap when I am able too. She had no problems blaming me for everything, my lack of attention inter beginning and she would slap me in the face as she pleases. You can imagine what a hollow shell i have become but after one horror show after another I finally withdrew from her and that's when she wanted to draw me back and see me more often. I cancelled and cancelled. She became a pathetic little creature to me and I told her that we should be only friends. I told her that I was alright if she is seeing other men, or married with her "ex". I wasn't interested anymore in her life. I was so vicious to her that I told her that we can have our fun and that's all this is. She responded that I was a monster to propose that to a rape victim.3 month ago I managed to send her some final message, on my birthday, that she scared me more then the worst nightmare and that I would respect her thing with her ex or any other guy. She was for many month before apparently looking for a place to rent for us so that she can get "out of her ___ty life" and build a new one with me. My very last text was that she should leave me alone or else I will expose her double life wide open as I could always contact her sister and family and her ex and blow her lies and deceit wide open. As you can imagine I haven't heard from her since. However I am feeling so dislodged and lost. I can't imagine that the whole thing was a fake lie and i also feel truly sorry for her and her next victim. I know that I was nothing to her. Perhaps some form of entertainment that she got through my suffering so that she can feel something. I know she has forgotten me and probably disassociated me out of her mind. It's my fault that I let her walk all over me. That's the hard truth but I never imagine how brutal some life experiences can be. I wanted to truly take care of her and I was always gentle. She brought out demons in me.
Apologies if I'm venting but I feel this is the right place to do it.
What I'm most scared at this point. Do I have permanent damage? I used to love women and have great confidence. I used to be in shape and I look in the mirror and face the hard truth of aging and decay. I can't even approach women now. However I am a strong guy. I will not give the pleaure and I will bounce back. I'm working out again and I'm in therapy and in a self help group. Actually connecting with a pick up group and getting to know women...
I only wish that I can get her out my mind and that I will be ok again.
Thank you for your attention and please feel free to comment, share and ask me anything !

[msh28]

Sorry to hear you're going through this, it is difficult to understand something like this and no, at this moment I don't think I'll ever recover fully, psychologically anyway.

Maybe someone else can comment on how to deal with it because I am in the same boat. Just seems like no matter how hard you try, nothing will ever be good enough.

But reading has definitely helped a little bit.

[Patusito]

Dear Msh28

Thanks for your comment! I feel for you. How long did your relationship end?
What happened?
 I have however some good news too. This experience has made me a better primary school teacher. I feel that also my empathy and my sixth send has evolved and I can feel that one day I can thank her that I had the chance to revalue myself and put firm boundaries in my life. I had some hard relationships previously...
Anyways, please forgive her and look at her as a very unfortunate being. She didn't choose to be this way. Never forget that

[msh28]

A month ago, but two weeks after met up again a couple of days and had sex. I suppose this was when she hadn't got my replacement yet, I dunno.

After this I was discarded like a piece of sh**, that was 2 or 3 weeks ago. She has since blocked me from everything, doesn't answer my calls and is doing everything she can to forget that I exist.

Horrible, horrible feeling.

[Patusito]

A month ago? That's so recent and you are going through hell basically. I am in the third month of NC. It's very painful for me to basically accept that the whole thing was a lie and that I had a nasty affair with a creature from another planet.
Please hang in there. I can only tell you that you will only have it better in the future! Look at it this way, what's the worst that can happen in the future? The worst is over. Yes I have thoughts of hate and vengeance. I tell myself everyday that she is the one who is already paying for the abuse. What punishment could be worst then to leave her stone cold telling her to F off and to leave her with herself? Leaving her with herself gives me comfort. I know I am speaking out of hate but that's part of the healing process. Please hate her for a while and then you will be fine. Forgiveness will follow naturally... .
Be strong and remind yourself that it can never ever get worst. Only better !