Hurting badly after breakup with BPD girlfriend

[crushedagain]

We were together almost 2 years, living together most of the time. I have had to search online to understand what in the world I went through these past couple years. The hot and cold behavior, the black and white thinking, the lying, the gaslighting, the insecurity, the constant threats of breaking up, the hysterical fits.

She finally left for good. She was stringing me along on the phone for a while afterwards, but I finally had to put my foot down and I have not heard from her since. It's over, but I feel very, very troubled by it all. I thought I would be improving by now, but I feel I am getting worse. I'm hurt, I'm angry... .I feel damaged. From her last email she's happy as a clam, probably onto the next guy.

I don't know if I can ever trust my heart to another woman. I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel, I am filled with dread. I know she was toxic for me but I cannot tell my heart to stop loving her. I mentioned my anger because lately I have muttered "I hate you" to myself about her. I feel like such a fool for believing she ever loved me, for believing anything she told me. I wish I could erase my mind, my memory of her, all of it.

[pearlsw]

Hi crushedagain,

I am sorry you are feeling so much pain over your loss. I know how painful and devastating breakups can be. I never felt like I'd recover from them but I did. Recovering from breakups takes time... .there's no way around it. You are not a fool for believing she loved you. She likely did, but with BPD the emotions are so strong - both hot and cold - that she perhaps has shut them off. It's painful how sudden and shocking that can be! I hear ya!

A lot of it is about changing your thoughts, grieving your loss. I lost someone I loved very much once, it was sudden and shocking. I could not understand what went wrong so suddenly and out of nowhere. It took me a long time, but eventually I let myself be grateful that it ended. I felt guilty even to think that. I was like, I had some nice experiences with him but I really dodged a bullet there! I was able to find love again when I was ready and I was able to pick a more stable partner which helped me to heal.

What can you do to heal your heart and let her and the relationship go? Are there lingering questions you have that you can talk about with us here instead of her? It seems like a good step that you are acknowledging your anger and starting to have a look at it. Is there some part of the experience that added something to your life? I know with my partner I got inspired to study more languages and got to go to many special concerts.

[crushedagain]

Thank you. I think I will collect my thoughts and share some details tomorrow. I'm sorry for the initial vague post, it's hard for me to talk about this.

[crushedagain]

I'm struggling with the urge to contact her lately. She was so thin-skinned that I could never talk to her about anything serious and so I never got to say what I wanted to, which was to share my thoughts and feelings about her, about me, about the relationship - to communicate like any loving couple would. She would fall apart in an instant, become hyper-defensive and irrational. She would slap herself and scream how horrible she was and tell me to hurt her, awful things that I would never consider doing to a woman. She would throw herself on the floor in a tantrum like a child. It was heartbreaking to watch. I didn't know how to react. Sometimes I did make the mistake to argue with her, sometimes I would try to comfort her, other times I would shut down and try to just weather the storm. I am so hurt by everything. I am ashamed that I still love her, even though it's been almost 3 months since I've even seen her. I feel like she's probably already moved onto another guy and I am left a broken man.

[Sargeras]

I know how you feel right now. I've done my share of drudging thru the mud with my BPDexgf. We were together for 2 years, and she broke up with me about 4months ago. Up until the last few months of our relationship, we often fought like cats and dogs. Minor disagreements would spiral out of control. She would cut herself, threaten me, ask me to harm her, scream at me, hit me, cry so hard while we argued she would throw up- things very similar in nature to what you went thru. I conceded to much of this.

When she broke up with me, she did it all over a text message and launched into another relationship with someone else. I didn't see any of it coming. It hurt me so badly. I sobbed like a child at times. Anger, bitterness and jealously swept over me. It was absolutely debilitating. The days that followed seemed meaningless. I didn't feel I had anything to look forward to. I felt like I had been mortally wounded.

But of course, like many things I believed to be inescapable at the time- this too has proven itself to be a temporary ordeal.

I forced myself to get out more. I went out with friends, I took up boxing, I started working out, I improved my dietary intake, I went on a couple of dates, and I read A LOT. I highly recommend reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattle. That book changed my entire outlook after I finished it a few weeks ago. It didn't happen overnight, but the changes I made contributed to the fact that I finally feel like I can look at the sky and breathe.

You're in a position that most will never find themselves in: the aftermath of a BPD relationship. This whole thing was and is incredibly painful for you. Use the pain to your advantage, because it's an excellent teacher. Pain is what inspired me to make the corrections I made in my own life.

You have the ability to manipulate this situation and turn it into something very productive and growth-inducing. Time is your ally. Take it from me.

[crushedagain]

Thank you for responding. I am hurting very, very badly right now, especially with the holidays coming up. All of the plans we had are gone, she has left town. Much of my family is dead, I am estranged from others, I don't have a good support network for this.

My gf would also get so upset that she would gag and choke. Relatively minor things could send her into a tailspin. One minute she's fine, the next minute the look on her face was one of unhappiness or even anger.

She came into my life quickly, faster than I was comfortable with. I did not ask her to move in with me, she pushed for it. She absolutely adored me at first, and now I realize this is another hallmark of the disorder. She completely isolated herself from her previous life, even getting rid of her cell phone and talking of selling her car and just using my extra vehicle. These were huge decisions which I was not comfortable with, and I told her I didn't want her to sell her car. Then she became angry, like it was because I didn't want her to use my extra vehicle. She had poor boundaries, and I had to set some, but not without upsetting her.

She made my life her life, she was with me every single day from our waking hours until we went to bed. I work from home. I tried to tell her she needed something else. I loved her but she was suffocating me. It led to all sorts of problems. She would cry all the time, no matter how gently I tried to talk to her about things. I would tell her it's not normal to go from zero to 100 like we did, everybody needs a little time away, just long the song says.

I wish I could cry right now, but it's never been easy and the tears won't come. I wish they would. I need to get this out. There's so much more but I just don't know if it even helps putting this out there. I am afraid she might see it.

The bottom line is I loved her. I love her, unconditionally. I gave my heart to the wrong person, and I am falling apart inside now.

[Sargeras]

Yes, yes and yes. I can relate to all of it. And if you gotta talk, you gotta talk. She's not gonna see any of this.

My ex moved in with me 3-4 months after we met. That's what led to our fights- I felt like she was overwhelming me. If I wanted to break away and do my own thing, she took it as some kind of offense. I grew very accustomed to her presence. And while we fought less towards the end of our relationship, it's not because things got better, it was because I just got used to it.

I still love her, and like you, I love my ex unconditionally. She's hurt me very badly and done some pretty f*cked up things, but I still care for her very strongly. Your ex most definitely loved you, and probably still does. If something were to happen to you, do you really think she wouldn't bat an eye? BPD or not, two years is a long time. She definitely won't forget about you- you've spent too much time with her for that to happen. I'd be VERY surprised if this is the last you've heard from her anyway.

Please read that book I mentioned. You will feel better after you read it, trust me.

I know thinking about moving on sucks, but you can bank on feeling better, period. You telling yourself/thinking to yourself you won't be happy again or find someone is a falsehood. That's an example of emotional thinking. Emotional thinking = not reality. I'll say it again: time is your ally. One thing that helped me move past all of the hurt is channeling the anger and frustration I had with everything that was WRONG with our relationship.

Talking and getting whatever you need to get off your chest is the beginning of the healing process. You're in phase 1. It's tough, but you'll transcend all of this. I promise. You're a much stronger person than she is.

[crushedagain]

Thank you very much for the replies and suggestions. I'm going to buy that book and read it.

I have resisted reaching out to her and I think it's for the best not to. She left, that's her choice, and I have no other choice than to move on. It's just very hard right now, especially since a lot of her threats to leave were designed to test my love for her. She even admitted it once, when I didn't play along, that she wanted me to beg her not to leave. I don't understand this manipulative behavior. I always say what I mean in life, am direct, and so this was all new to me.

[crushedagain]

I ordered the book today from Amazon. I wish I had it already. I am having a really hard time with the holidays right now, being alone, etc. It's really painful. I don't heal quickly after heartache. I sometimes go years without a woman because of this.

[lovenature]

Hi crushedagain

Through the cycle of idealization, devaluation, discard our entire self worth becomes dependant on what our PWBPD thinks of us and whether they want to be with us or not. A BPD relationship is the opposite of a non-disordered one.
Keep reading and learning about BPD, and when you are ready learn about your role in it.

[Sargeras]

Hey crushed,

I apologize for the delay in my reply. I've been having a tough time myself.

Her manipulation/threats stem from her fear of abandonment. You can't blame yourself for her reactivity. You can't blame yourself for making a choice to create distance between the two of you. One thing I discovered towards the end of my relationship with my ex in addition to looking back on it is that you cannot avoid triggering that fear within her. It's always going to come out in one way or another; it will always catch up.

I'm happy you got that book headed your way. It will do you good. Before you can rationalize what you've been thru and disengage from the emotionally thinking that comes with a breakup of this magnitude, you gotta take the time to educate yourself. My therapist and I have a great relationship, and he's dated several women who have BPD. He recommended I purchase that book, and I could not be more glad that I did. When I felt like I was hitting a wall and losing control, I would take a deep breath and read a little while. Sometimes I reread excerpts to help myself thru a tough moment.

I second what lovenature said. You WILL feel much better, but you have to take the time to heal and focus on yourself.

Only the passage of time will allow you to fully recuperate. And you WILL fully recuperate. Take it from me. Take it from my therapist. Take it from my father who dated a woman with BPD for 8 years and is now happily married to my mother (I'm not making that up).

[crushedagain]

I am still trying to put the pieces together insofar as what happened, who this person was, and the whirlwind which was my life the past 2 years. I have been ruminating over unanswered questions which run through my head every day.

She was very secretive in her activities on the computer, she had multiple email accounts, but I never snooped and allowed her to travel freely because I trusted her (she went out of town half a dozen times or so by herself). In hindsight I do believe she might have been cheating on me, and this would be the first time in my life if so. I will never know the truth, but the thought of such a thing causes me great pain, and if you read the following you will understand why I have my suspicions.

She stormed out on me one time last year and I did not call her or text or anything, just let her go. She had threatened countless times to leave over fairly minor things (hurt feelings, etc.) but never did leave, however on this particular occasion I didn't want to play her game anymore and she actually left. She emailed me the following morning about giving me my keys back, talked of meeting somewhere, etc., and I said just put them in the mail, that I didn't want to meet in person and wished her well, told her I hoped she could find happiness.

I received a call from her the following morning and she was distraught, crying, apologizing and wanting another chance with me. We talked and I agreed to give it to her, but that we needed a fresh start and she couldn't live with me anymore. I also said that this was her final chance, that if she walked out on me again it was over with forever. I asked her where she had been staying and she told me with a female friend, who I knew. She said she could stay there a few weeks if need be.

Over the next week she found another place to live and things got better, she was smitten with me again, though she still had her emotional fits at times. Fast forward a few months, she came to visit me and she sprung it on me that her living arrangement was over with and that she wanted to stay with me again. I loved her, so I agreed. My reaction apparently wasn't as joyous as she had hoped for or expected and she said I did it out of obligation so she started crying until I reassured her that I wanted her to stay with me because I loved her. In hindsight, all of this was to feed her insecurities, etc...

She moved in and nothing had changed, her hot and cold, push-pull behavior and her wild emotional swings were still there, we were back in the same old pattern. At one point she started with her threats to end the relationship again and I reminded her that if she left, we were finished for good. Mind you that we never had any "major" issues at all, every time she fell apart it started over something trivial and I'd try to console her and remind her that it was small potatoes in the grand scheme of things but it never helped. Once she started that behavior it would escalate and last the entire day and possibly the next. She would say hurtful things at times and I would defend myself and tell her that was uncalled for, disrespectful, etc., but then she'd just counter with "because I'm a disrespectful, HORRIBLE person, JUST HIT ME, HURT ME!" and she would physically try to grab my arm or something. I would sternly say "knock that off and get a hold of yourself, this is not acceptable behavior for a mature woman, you're acting like a child" and she would insult me, tell me I sounded just like her father, even said "I hate you" once to me. I've never had a woman talk like that, and I told her so.

During one of these times when she mentioned leaving again, I told her that I had suspicions about where she had gone the last time she left and she blurted it out that she had not stayed at her friends, that she had lied to me and gone back to stay with her ex-boyfriend, but that she didn't sleep with him, she slept in the spare bedroom. It made no sense, because she has no lack of money, she could have afforded to stay anywhere. So, she went there for comfort, there's no other reason. This changed everything for me and I felt numb. Part of me wanted her to leave immediately, but this was something that had happened over 6 months prior and I wasn't sure how to handle it. My attraction to her and sex drive were immediately impacted. I lost interest in sex with her.

I still feel shaky when I type this. It was such a betrayal. It made me question all of her trips, who she was actually staying with, what the truth was vs. what she was telling me, yet I was in love with this person, in love with a lie. Nothing made sense anymore. The second chance I had given her was built on a foundation of sand.

[DogMan75]

I came here to post something very much like you have. The parallels of behavior in our BPD partners are really just amazing.

I came here today just because I needed an outlet for how sad I’ve been. It was my call, and while I know intellectually that it’s the right call, it still feels heartbreaking. I keep telling myself there’s nothing else I could do, which is true, but it’s cold comfort.

I’ve been through countless breakups before, but none has ever seemed quite so tragic as this. I’ve never been such a good partner to anyone. I’ve honestly tried my very best. So much love, so much compassion, so much patience, support -all poured into this, all for nothing.

Well, that’s it though, isn’t it? Is it all for nothing? It feels like it at the moment, but if you really think about it, it’s not. As painful as it’s been, I have never done so much personal growth as I have during this relationship. My awareness is expanded. I am stronger, wiser, kinder.

It just really sucks right now.

You’re not stupid for giving her another chance. You had to try, right? Well, now you did, it didn’t work, and you don’t have to go through the rest of your life wondering what would have happened if you’d just given her another chance. She’s had her chance at a happy life with you, she’s just not ready. Hopefully, you’ve helped her closer to finding happiness in her life, even if she won’t be with you when she finally finds it.

This, now, without her, is your chance to find happiness. Take it.

[crushedagain]

Thank you for the comment. I don't understand why I long for this woman so badly. I have not contacted her at all, but the urge is there every day. It's a strange feeling that she's the only person/thing that can make me feel better. She was not all bad by any means, she had some wonderful qualities which is why I love her. I miss so much having her in bed next to me every night that I can barely sleep anymore. My nights are filled with anxiety and restlessness. I'm miserable right now, and it's been months.

[crushedagain]

I made it through the entire Thanksgiving weekend but not without panic attacks when trying to go to sleep. This is a new twist in my weakened state. The nights have been just brutal. Gosh how I long to just hold her in my arms again. It's been close to 7 weeks since I last talked to her, almost 3 months since I've seen her but I do not intend upon ever contacting her again.

[crushedagain]

She will never get the satisfaction of knowing how badly she hurt me. I am anonymous here and she will never know. I go back and forth between sadness and anger, and there's also some bargaining thrown in where my mind tries to trick me into thinking of scenarios where we reconcile, but I know those are pure fantasy and would be terrible for me. I can do much better than this emotional vampire, I just need to make it through these holidays and the winter and hopefully emerge stronger in the spring.

[itgetsbetter94]

She will never get the satisfaction of knowing how badly she hurt me. I am anonymous here and she will never know. I go back and forth between sadness and anger, and there's also some bargaining thrown in where my mind tries to trick me into thinking of scenarios where we reconcile, but I know those are pure fantasy and would be terrible for me. I can do much better than this emotional vampire, I just need to make it through these holidays and the winter and hopefully emerge stronger in the spring.

This is 100% me at this point.
There are many of us hurting right now, and thinking those exact thoughts, feelings those exact feelings.
Everything you wrote resonates 100% with me right now.
I hope it gives you some comfort, it does for me, knowing I'm not alone.

[truthbeknown]

crushedagain:

first, man I am in the same place- two months out.  Today is the 2 month aniversary of last time I saw her.   It ended crazy.   I am going back and forth too.  Today, I did something different.  Rather then trying to fight the pain, i asked myself, "so what if everything went like i wanted it to the last weekend and we were still talking? Would i be totally confident that she wouldn't do something similar in the future? would i be okay with her the way she is compared to how it was when we met? could i feel safe with her? " etc. etc.    So in a sense i was imagining a re-union and then asking those questions.  What it did for me was make me realize the truth about things.  We had issues of incompatibility that i was willing to look past but if we were still in the relationship it could have become a problem. 

So why you ask do you feel so bad?  For me i realized that I was projecting how i hoped someone would treat me.  So the cutting slack for her bad behavior, the dealing with the lies and the benevolent parent that i was projecting onto her was stuff i never got as a child.  So what i learned in therapy was by projecting this aspect onto her and then losing her - it makes it feel like i lost part of myself because the chance to heal that wounded child has been taken away (or so i think).   

Now that maybe pretty heavy and even though I know the psychological aspect of all this stuff does it make it easier?  Heck NO.  yesterday i was a basket case.  Today i'm a little better.  I posted in another thread that I got so desperate for answers that I did one of the cheap psychic boards and they told me she was with other men.  Did that make me feel better? heck NO.  Whether she was or not I guess i tell myself doesn't matter.  Even if she wanted to come back now i couldn't do it because for it to work she would have to get back on meds and do counseling both which may or may not help.

The physical body that they gave us is not their own if that makes sense (or so i've come to accept). 

The other way i can accept the disease is to look at Dementia.  My mother's husband had dementia and one of my friends husbands has it.  The friends husband is 77 yo and in a nursing home.  If he had gotten dementia in his younger years he might have been very promiscuous or paying for sex etc because people with dementia have very little self control and they are highly impulsive.  I use this example because it helps me to think my love had some sort of brain malfunction like this.  The one i fell in love with got sick and her brain is not her own anymore.  So the body that is having sex with other men is not connected to the brain of the woman that i fell in love with.  It's like a split personality of sorts.  It helps me to look at it this way even if that is not totally clinically correct.   However, I did meet a woman in an airport a long time ago after my divorce from another BPD woman.  The lady in the airport had a service dog and it didn't look like she was blind.  So i stated, "it's good to see those dogs being used for something that gives them a good name." (because it was a pit bull).   She said, "oh he's great. He's can detect my episodes."  I said, "oh are you epileptic?"  she said, "no- multiple personality disorder."   She went on to say that the dog bites her when she starts turning.  She said she divorced her husband because it was not fair to stay with him with that condition.   

Even though borderlines might now have that clarity, I believe mine did as she stated, "I'm not well" in our last conversation.  However, if she did sleep with other men or is going to now, I have to look at that as one of the other personalities.  It helps me to process that she is not doing it on purpose but another personality in her is taking over.  I don't know if this will help you but it has been helping me.  And i imagine that someday in an airport she tells a stranger that she really hurt this guy she loved because of her illness and she doesn't blame him for not talking to her. 

Still sad that they have the illness but they are not the same people all the time so it doesn't make sense to us.  I wish they would rename the disorder- Partial Personality Fragmentation or shifting Disorder

keep in touch.  hugs man! 

[itgetsbetter94]

I can agree in some aspects with TBK.
My ex was so much of everything, mixture of polar opposites and differences. He wanted to be a priest, then a lawyer. He studies law, but still thinks that he maybe made a wrong choice. He is a passionate Catholic. But wanted to join ISIL. (Yeah, I know. ) He said how he hates men who cheat and would never do that to his girlfriend. Still, he told several times to his ex gf that he was in love with other women (emotional cheating!). He said he's taking care of himself since he was 13. In reality, he drained money from his friends and family mercilessly. He would say his best friend is a saint. The next day he wouldn't talk to him any more. The list is endless. I told him on several occasions that he is a walking contradiction and he agreed.  First I thought there is so much of everything in him. Now I'm starting to realize there was probably nothing there and he was a patchwork of impulses and fleeting emotions, but with zero substance.

[ateu]

I am still trying to put the pieces together insofar as what happened, who this person was, and the whirlwind which was my life the past 2 years. I have been ruminating over unanswered questions which run through my head every day.

She was very secretive in her activities on the computer, she had multiple email accounts, but I never snooped and allowed her to travel freely because I trusted her (she went out of town half a dozen times or so by herself). In hindsight I do believe she might have been cheating on me, and this would be the first time in my life if so. I will never know the truth, but the thought of such a thing causes me great pain, and if you read the following you will understand why I have my suspicions.
I would sternly say "knock that off and get a hold of yourself, this is not acceptable behavior for a mature woman, you're acting like a child" and she would insult me, tell me I sounded just like her father, even said "I hate you" once to me. I've never had a woman talk like that, and I told her so.

I still feel shaky when I type this. It was such a betrayal. It made me question all of her trips, who she was actually staying with, what the truth was vs. what she was telling me, yet I was in love with this person, in love with a lie. Nothing made sense anymore. The second chance I had given her was built on a foundation of sand.

Hi there! I am also almost two months out and I can see how your head is spinning around all those questions.

I think we still feel attached to them, feel like contacting them, because we can't get our heads around what happened. They just easily get along with there lives, but we are left wondering what was real, what wasn't - how extensive were the lies. It's really crushing.

My ex also wanted to spend all time with me, but when I didn't have the possibility to do so (yeah, I had grown up responsibilites, like a demanding job!) he just found a another girl on the side!

He was also very secretive with his phone and his computer, would stay with a female friend to help her out with something (yeah right). I DID however snooped through his computer and phone at one point and what I found wasn't pretty!

He had even written to one of his ladies on the side that he stayed with me because I was taking care of him financially (how lovely). I also found messages written by other guys, some girl's husband: "Oh, so you are the one who almost crushed my wife five years ago, and now you're back contacting her! Stop that now, please show some respect now that she is finally over you, is stable, married with me and pregnant. Just knock it off!"

He just respond: "Ok, dude. I would really rather hear that from her, I am really a nice guy".

That girls husband just wrote: ":)on't call me dude. And if you are a nice guy, usually you don't need to tell people that you are."

So I confronted him with some of it, but he just started gaslighting, "it was not like that etc".

It's hard to face that someone you thought you shared so much intimacy and honesty with actually didn't share it back with you. That's a horrible feeling and it leaves you feeling tricked, abused and very, very sad.

About the childish behaivor, I had the same experience. I don't know how many times I said to him to stop being "childish", to "grow up", to "take responsibility for his own actions". Etc. etc.

It went on for three and a half years for me, to be honest I think my life has been on hold.

When I read all the stories here, and how similar they are, I think I am getting more strenght to move on. They just won't change.

I also thought I finally found the person for me. But I guess so did all the other girls he was seeing behind my back. I was just filling his need for some time.

Nice ending too. When I finally broke it off seriously (I have made attempts before, but he just pretended like nothing and foolishly I came back). He just said "I respect your decision", this time. Funny enough I have found out he had another girl by then already, so he just smoothly replaced me and is probably very happy about how things went.

Well, I am not happy at all, but I am working on it.

Give yourself some time to grief, treat yourself kindly. I went to a vacation he always wanted to go to, but I went to see a friend. I met new people, ate good food, had nice wine. Now comes holidays, I will focus on the friends and family I have neglected while being swapt up in his never-ending problems.

Stay strong, we will get better - and you are not alone!

[crushedagain]

Thank you all for commenting and sharing your personal experiences. It means a lot to me as I struggle through this really difficult time. I have slept better the past few nights which is something positive, as a lack of sleep tends to exacerbate my anxiety and negative emotions.

One of the very difficult aspects of all this is the realization that her moral code is not what I was led to believe. Before she ever moved in and when we were in the initial dating stages I had shared to her how much value I place on honesty and integrity. She fooled me into thinking she had the same values.

[Bo123]

Yeah you got screwed alright and BPD bruises take 10X longer to heal than a normal break-up, our minds just can't make sense of what they did and we can't stop trying to have it all make sense.  Unless your BPD it never will make sense.  As bad as you feel and as good as this board is, seeing a therapist, just a M.F.T. can open your eyes and get instant answers about how much a challenge a BPD is to a MFT or Psychologist, let alone the average guy.  If things seem really out of control, see a Dr to control the major symptoms.  Nobody can take better care of you than you.  This is no time to be a hero.  I think the majority of us struggle to make sense of it all ... .and never find it.  Take care of yourself and don't let this last for years like some of us.  Letting go and not just remembering the good times will make you focus on what it really was that you had and not the dream we thought we were a part of.  Sometimes life is just hard.