H diagnosed with diabetes

[isilme]

So I've posted on here how I've noticed that H's most terrible outbursts coincide with times when we think his blood sugar was low.  Making sure he ate at a good time and had things to keep it from dropping seemed to stave off some incidents or prevent them from getting as bad as they could have gotten.

I'd also posted about other health issues that we've noticed creeping up:  neuropathy in his legs and lower body, possibly asthma, general fatigue, poor recovery from illnesses... .  Anyone on here can probably understand that getting your BPD spouse to any kind of MD or other health professional is hard.  Really hard.  I think sometimes he'd be more willing to go if I pretended I did NOT want him to go, just to be contrary.  So, it's been a struggle to get him to agree in a very concrete fashion for me to set up appointments for him.  And like I said, there's always the chance he will just refuse to go.  And I need him to save up time off so he CAN go - it's just been a mess trying to get him somewhere they can see what's causing his health issues so we can see if they can even be sorted (or verify for me if a lot of it's just tied to BPD emotional instability - sorry - when for years it's become evident that your emotions make you react to a simple cold feel like you are dying I get a little skeptical of the severity.  I guess that makes me mean, but it's been a thought in my head.)

So, he was finally agreeable, and feeling poorly enough, to go see a stat-clinic, out patient ER about what he thought was a simple infection.  They decided to run some tests on him, and saw his glucose was freakin' high - 300.  This WAS after having a small slice of cake in the afternoon not too long before, but still, 300 is high.  So they talked him into coming back the next morning, and he was scared enough to actually fast (usually he cheats) so they could do some sort of a blood panel tat would show levels 3 months back on him.  His levels were consistently high, so they put him on a standard beginning medication to help him lower them while we wait for the GP appointment I had to set up in March, for June.  There are not a lot of MDs in our area, you have to call months ahead. 

He's been on the new meds since Saturday.  Most things I've read said they would kick in by yesterday/today.  Well, they did.  Still can't get him to use the blood meter daily, let alone multiple times a day (he refuses to understand why it's important), and wants to go off his "feelings".  But he told me on the way to lunch eh felt odd today, not necessarily bad, just odd.  I told him I think that means it's working, and that a new setting for normal blood sugar will probably feel a little weird at first.  We got home, and lunchtime is a weird time for him - some days he's fine, others he's on the edge of freaking out on me.  I just chalked it up to him needing to eat, and since he likes to hog the kitchen to make his own food, and hates moving out of my way, I usually either hurry up, make my food and get out of the way, or wait for him to get his stuff and then make my lunch.  I may kill time doing a few dishes, or tidying up somewhere in the house.  Sometimes he ignores this, often he likes to pretty much gripe at me "lunchtime is for eating."  I am often not really hungry till later, I like to spend my time taking care of things at lunch so I won't have to face them even more tired in the evening, when he gets mad if I am not watching TV with him (like, when am I supposed to do stuff?  Really?  I do ALL the household chores.  Dishes, trash, cat care, laundry, yardwork, cooking, partly because he feels so horrible, and partly because I would rather have a clean house than argue about getting it clean.) 

Anyway, he got irritable soon after we got home, accused me of making a statement I did not make.  I missed the signs, and invalidated him by saying, "I was trying to say THIS, not THAT."  Then while waiting for him to hurry up and make his own food, I started trying to make room in our cupboard and something fell - it made a noise, it alarmed him, and he decided to spend the rest of lunch yelling at me about that, about trying to do anything other than eat at lunch, and went into pretty much accusing me of things he does and his mother does, but I rarely do - fall asleep in the living room before bedtime.  Bear in mind - we both work 40 hour weeks.  I have sleep maintenance insomnia.  I fight falling asleep outside of bed simply because it just propagates more insomnia.  Sometimes, I will fail.  But I am hardly his mom who literally (yes literally) lives on her couch and has a maid do all the housework she allows to be done.  I do all of that.  I have been cooking 3-6 meals a week after work or in mornings to help manage his sugar and our nutrition overall.  To stop us from eating out.  I feel that if I doze off, no one has a right to say jack about it.  I am tired, I did my work, I did my chores, leave me alone! (sorry, venting here so I won't later). 

I realize that while his sugar is probably still in the high range, it was low for him.  And I know that leads to excessive irritability and irrational behavior.  And that this will be an issue over at least the next month until we get to his GP appointment and start an actual maintenance plan, and maybe she can explain to him about why he needs to test regularly, why he needs to do thigns that CAn reverse some of this.  And I know I am with him for this road.

But I am just tired.  I've spent the last few weeks trying to buck up, while trying not to cry in private because I know this will just add one more thing to my shoulders that I know he will not manage on his own.  I will give him credit for trying.  He had decreased sodas, he ahs now cut them totally back.  He is avoiding cookies and sweets right now, but it's a bad vice for him and I worry he's just one breakdown away from protesting by eating them.  I do most of the grocery shopping.  I am the one expected to remember why he can eat this and not that.  What he can have for breakfast.  Why an apple is okay but dried fruit in trail mix is not.  And it's not like it's not in my nature to try to know all of this.  But he's very much in a woe-is-me-I-failed-at-life-because-I-got a disease-that-runs-heavily-in-my-family.  His mom manages it horribly and is a terrible example on like 5 insulin shots a day.  His grandfather was super active and still had it, and managed it with diet alone.  His grandmother was able to help her husband, I want to be like that.  I have no idea if the grandfather had BPD.  I know H is described as being a lot like him, tho.  Damn, I am tired.  I just want to go home and sleep.  I need to get to bed early tonight.  That will help me, and I guess I need to be more on the look out for these signs. 

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[JoeBPD81]

Well, I feel tired just imagining myself in your place. So I hope you can sleep and charge your batteries. You know we finally get the strength from somewhere, and we do the things that we think are too much, and then some. I know you already do too much. It's not fair at all. And I wish you had all the appreciation you deserve. By now you are so used to not get validated that a bit of cheerleading must sound like too much, and phony. So I'll stop already 

Take care.

[isilme]

Thanks, Joe.  I just need to come here time to time to get things out.  Writing has always made me feel a little better and helps me analyze what's actually happening.  This is a lot "safer" to me than a diary or traditional journal. 

I know it's a long road to get him stabilized.  I guess I just felt we'd passed a lot of these hurdles over the years, getting to where rages and outbursts were really on the decline... .  I think having only one big one every month or two is pretty great overall, even if the general moodiness is always in the wings.  I am a little scared that tinkering with his sugars and other things like blood pressure are going to kick it all back up again to high drama.  I worry I am not up to it.  Today, I am so tired I know I am not.  In the long run, I am hoping overall improving his health, if it's possible, will improve his depression and other issues.  I'm just nervous about the road to get there.  I just want to get to one appointment we have this afternoon that's been keeping his legs working okay, and then cooking dinner and heading home to get to bed earlier.  We're still trying to figure out what he can eat at a restaurant - eating at home seems safer, but if he's low and pushes to eat out I will totally try to figure something we can pick up for tonight. 

[waverider]

My wife was recently diagnosed with diabetes, and things have gone horrible. Consistency and structure are essential to control it. She has none. Tell her something is  taboo and she craves it. She does not do moderation

Using insulin injections to lower her blood sugar gives her a magic pill to binge on cereals, so she actually intakes more sugar now. Then increases the insulin. Takes the tabs too.  Her eating has no structure, misses meals and just eats on impulse. This is completely out of sync with when she takes her insulin, so her sugar levels swing from very high to very low. The very low readings validate her cravings for sugar and so feeds into it.

She constantly measures her sugar levels, usually in response to when she feels they have dropped and hence the results are loaded towards the low side. Hence she is in denial of the high levels.

The whole thing has become a nightmare obsession

[isilme]

waverider,

That's a bit like H's mom - no structure.  Her advice this weekend made me cringe, and luckily H realized a lot of what she said was not good to follow.  I was trying to explain how H has always had bad reactions to artificial sweeteners, so for now my plan was to find low or no sugar foods that don't have Splenda or its buddies in it.  These give him headaches and make him spike and crash (now that I know the symptoms, that's what they do).  Real sugar, harder to digest sugar like coconut sugar is what I am looking into after talking with some dietician friends.  But she was like  "Oh, I don't use Equal anymore - I just order sweet tea and see if it tastes too sweet."  The idea of simply ordering plain, unsweet tea, and adding no or only one packet of sugar did not occur to her O_o.  Luckily, she orders out very seldom as far as getting drinks, being a shut-in who sits on the couch literally ALL day and night (she does not leave it except to use the bathroom.  She has a part-time maid to do pretty much everything else and then just waits for her to come in instead of getting up and doing things). 

He is marginally better.  I think to see her and how she lives and the poor quality of life she has chosen scares him so he's trying.  It's just that his earnest trying is about the same as me half-assing it, if that makes sense, as far as being consistent.  He's also obsessed with the idea this is punishment, karma, whatever for not being perfect in his life. 

I am trying to "titer" him up into regular glucose checks.  Like, ok, we did it over the weekend, let's at least promise to check by Saturday if no later to see if you're any lower at waking than you've been.  He's like, "they are just going to check when I go in and do the 3-month-history blood test again, so why bother."  Getting him to see it's important to monitor what food makes him spike and crash daily is the point is going to take a while.

So is getting him to start a food journal.  I started one, but he snacks and even if he's switched to unsalted nuts for now, I can't adequately log everything for him unless I am with him all day or grill him about it.  So for now, I have stopped.  I got a friend who wants to lose weight along with me to start using the app I am using to track calories and exercise, and am hoping that subtle seed in his mind takes root so when he is told in a few weeks he needs to do it, the idea will already be there.  I know this all sounds really manipulative and sneaky, but I've learned over the years what has a chance of working on him, and what will just make him dig in his heels.

He apologized for yesterday's outburst at least, before bed.  It's something.  We'll just have to see how bad things get while we get this regulated as best as it can be with BPD included in all this mess.