Introduction

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been confused my whole life. Sorry if my post is too long and has unnecessary details. I'm trying to sort stuff out; put my thoughts into words. I've never been able to put all my memories together. I could never tell anyone. Anyways, here goes.

My older sister is 5 years older than me. I hate her. But sometimes, I like spending time with her. I remember when I was 11, she was 16. My sister would squat on the windowsill of our dining room in our apartment building while me and my younger siblings were eating breakfast. That year, we went on a one month vacation—just me and my sister. 2 weeks into our "vacation", we were on a phone call with our mom. She asked me if I missed home yet. I said yes, I missed home. My sister has a face that she has right when she's about to throw a tantrum. And that's the face she had on after the phone call. She started saying things like "Oh, maybe you should go back by yourself, it only costs $200 to change plane tickets." I said no, I don't know how to go on intercontinental flights by myself. The next thing I knew, she was pressing a blade on her wrist. I stopped the bleeding. The next day, it was like she could do whatever she wanted to me. We knew that if I didn't do whatever she told me to do, she'd hurt herself, or me. She'd kick me when I didn't fold her clothes, she'd kick me because I was too slow getting toast from the oven. She'd say things like "Repeat after me: I am ugly inside and out."

5 years later, my sister hasn't changed. She lied to her boyfriend about attempting suicide because of him. She cuts her boyfriend's watches and clothes if they get into the slightest argument. She hit my mom over the head with a wooden chair because me and my younger siblings finished the sushi takeout. She threw herself off a flight of stairs, and threatened my mom to tell the police that my mom pushed her. She told me that our dad started taking antidepressants because of me. She laughed while I sat there, crying.

My sister went to a psychiatrist a couple of years ago. She was diagnosed with depression. I have a lot of friends who have depression. For years, I thought being depressed meant being manipulative and selfish, just like my sister is. Because of my sister, I thought people used self harm as a leverage to make people do things. I've unintentionally alienated many of my friends by accidentally expressing this view. I now know that I'm wrong; my sister probably doesn't have depression (or at least not JUST depression).

Also, I remembered something from years ago. My sister and I were on the roof of a parkade. My sister was crying. She had a piece of paper with her. She scrumpled it up and left it on the ground of the roof of the parkade. I never thought about that incident that much. But a couple of months ago, I remembered that incident again. For the first time, I realized that maybe she was planning to jump.

Well, that's pretty much all the horrible parts of my life in a nutshell. Thanks to anyone that read through all of this. I still don't understand what my sister really has. I think it might be BPD, but I guess I'll never know for sure.

[Teal39]

I've been confused my whole life. Sorry if my post is too long and has unnecessary details. I'm trying to sort stuff out; put my thoughts into words. I've never been able to put all my memories together. I could never tell anyone. Anyways, here goes.

My older sister is 5 years older than me. I hate her. But sometimes, I like spending time with her. I remember when I was 11, she was 16. My sister would squat on the windowsill of our dining room in our apartment building while me and my younger siblings were eating breakfast. That year, we went on a one month vacation—just me and my sister. 2 weeks into our "vacation", we were on a phone call with our mom. She asked me if I missed home yet. I said yes, I missed home. My sister has a face that she has right when she's about to throw a tantrum. And that's the face she had on after the phone call. She started saying things like "Oh, maybe you should go back by yourself, it only costs $200 to change plane tickets." I said no, I don't know how to go on intercontinental flights by myself. The next thing I knew, she was pressing a blade on her wrist. I stopped the bleeding. The next day, it was like she could do whatever she wanted to me. We knew that if I didn't do whatever she told me to do, she'd hurt herself, or me. She'd kick me when I didn't fold her clothes, she'd kick me because I was too slow getting toast from the oven. She'd say things like "Repeat after me: I am ugly inside and out."

5 years later, my sister hasn't changed. She lied to her boyfriend about attempting suicide because of him. She cuts her boyfriend's watches and clothes if they get into the slightest argument. She hit my mom over the head with a wooden chair because me and my younger siblings finished the sushi takeout. She threw herself off a flight of stairs, and threatened my mom to tell the police that my mom pushed her. She told me that our dad started taking antidepressants because of me. She laughed while I sat there, crying.

My sister went to a psychiatrist a couple of years ago. She was diagnosed with depression. I have a lot of friends who have depression. For years, I thought being depressed meant being manipulative and selfish, just like my sister is. Because of my sister, I thought people used self harm as a leverage to make people do things. I've unintentionally alienated many of my friends by accidentally expressing this view. I now know that I'm wrong; my sister probably doesn't have depression (or at least not JUST depression).

Also, I remembered something from years ago. My sister and I were on the roof of a parkade. My sister was crying. She had a piece of paper with her. She scrumpled it up and left it on the ground of the roof of the parkade. I never thought about that incident that much. But a couple of months ago, I remembered that incident again. For the first time, I realized that maybe she was planning to jump.

Well, that's pretty much all the horrible parts of my life in a nutshell. Thanks to anyone that read through all of this. I still don't understand what my sister really has. I think it might be BPD, but I guess I'll never know for sure.

[Peacefromwithin]

I wrote a long reply and then I changed my mind.  I do not feel comfortable giving a 16 year old advice on a forum. I hope other people, like one of the moderators perhaps, can help you.  I will ask you a question, though. Think back for a moment and describe how does your sister act if you happen to be calm, loving, and kind toward her, on a calm day? 

Hugs  . Take good care of yourself.  

[Panda39]

Hi Teal39 

I'm not sure how old you are but to be a member here you must be 18 years old. (Doing math based on the ages in your post makes it appear you are 16)

So keeping in mind that you might not be an "adult" I will say... .

Many of us here have undiagnosed people with BPD behaviors in our lives... .the shoe fits so to speak.  I discovered BPD by googling "Chronic Lying" related to my SO's (significant other's) uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife).

I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing these struggles with your sister, it sure doesn't sound easy. I also want you to know that you are not alone in dealing with this kind of thing and I believe that you are seeing what you are seeing (sometimes it's hard for others outside your family or have no experience with this type of thing to see)   

I would suggest reading about BPD get a good understanding about what it is. I started by going to my local library and read everything they had on the topic.  Reading different authors gave me different perspectives.  Learning what is going on behind the chaos your sister is creating can be helpful.

Take Care and come see us again when you are 18 (if your not already)! 
Panda39

[Peacefromwithin]

Teal39,

I just wanted to chime in and say that Panda's reply to you was beautiful. I wish I had the gracefulness to have written it myself! I apologize if my post sounded cold or invalidating. I was trying to find the right words and I couldn't.  

I'm not even sure if my question to you came out right. This has nothing to do with you. But sometimes people with BPD do take well to calm, loving behavior so that could've been a key to the question. Then again they could use that sort of behavior to be manipulative, or it might make them angry, too. But I thought at least I'd ask a question to try to help. I realize now I shouldn't have asked it because the advice on Panda's post is much more helpful. Please follow that instead.

Know you are not alone.  

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Teal39:  
Even if you don't meet the age requirement to post, that doesn't mean you can't explore the website and learn the lessons. Many people indicate that they have explored the website for a couple of years, prior to getting a logon id.

There is a wealth of information here on communication skills and tactics that can help enhance anyone's emotional intelligence (EQ).  Anyone, without an ID or logon, can access the Coping and Healing Board (to follow posts) and most other resources.  You still have an opportunity to learn here.  The only restriction that can be enforced, is that you have to be 18 to interact with posting. 

[Naughty Nibbler]

Psychforums allows people 13 years of age or older to post.  You might want to check out the link below:

Significant Others, Family & Friends Forum
www.psychforums.com/family-support/

[Panda39]

Thanks NN 

[Peacefromwithin]

Thanks, Panda!