Finally...some inner Peace...But Oh this Swirling

[SoniaMarie]

10+ years Ball of Confusion And my precious daughter's pained and angry face. How Have I stayed
so long... .allowing and contributing to this hurt? Oh my precious darling... .oh my once-so-very-loved spouse, I am so
sorry. So very very sorry for the part I have played.

Today we go to the mediator and family therapist and, like I told you all I want to face my shame, admit my harmful actions and words, hear both of you with empathy... .and heal anything and everything that can be. It won't all happen in one session of course. And Dear Husband... .I CANNOT and WILL NOT walk in there as the "monster of it all" and continue to be the source of all blame because now even out daughter is acting that out with startling viciousness in the span of a couple short months and the "family myth" now being almost openly stated daily is that "some of mom's horrible actions too horrible to speak of" explain any and all negative behaviors from others and justify any lashing out now. These recent "stories/versions of events" need to be told, because I do not agree with the negative and exaggerated version of events you keep repeating  out loud over and over for out daughter to hear or the ways you start ranting at the slightest raising of my voice, calling me unsafe verbally and-verbally and infecting my daughter with your extreme hatred.

So I'm I'm trying to draw up a plan that will separate the house and have us all in therapy while we try to re-establish basic physical safety, emotional safety, and trust. And most importantly keeping our daughter out of the middle. Impossible? Am i doing more of the same? Working overtime to make everything right? Maybe. But it feels different this time. This is a high conflict mediator and  I truly am ready to move on, truly ready to face the music, and truly do want to do what is best for my daughter. And I have a couple of friends and my newfound relationship with my childhood faith to hold and soothe me.

But I'm scared. Just a few more hours until we go.
Will they hear my sincerity? Will it all blow up? Can this family face
the excruciating shame that seems to have pervaded us all
and move forward in new separate but healthy ways to heal? 

Positive thoughts and prayers for us please!

[takingandsending]

Hello SoniaMarie and welcome to bpdfamily.

Sounds like you are heading to family T and mediation. It is scary, and it is a time that a lot of grief comes up. There are many here who have been through it or are going through it. Please let us know how we can help you as you head down this path. We can't offer legal advice here, but there is a wealth of experience and understanding.

You mention possible parental alienation with your daughter and a lot of anger from your H. What other sorts of BPD behaviors has he exhibited. Are you in process of divorce, filing or still trying to figure out your next step.

Let us know. We can provide support.

[ForeverDad]

It is typical that people with BPD (pwBPD) or other acting-out PDs eventually don't listen to those closest to them, your efforts don't get through the emotional baggage of the close relationship.  So be prepared that even others may not be able to get through either.  It's fine to have Plan A where he responds.  But you need to be realistic at the same time, have Plans B, C, D, etc at hand so you aren't flummoxed when your desired result doesn't happen.

There is a truism often said, You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.  Another is, It takes two to make a marriage successful but only one to make it fail, or admit that it has failed.

Maybe he will respond to the emotionally neutral professionals, no harm in trying but be careful you never ever admit that the other's accusations/lies are true.  If you walk in ready to lie hoping to appease and smooth things over, he may use such untrue admissions against you later in the divorce.

Accept that neither you nor the professionals may ever fix him.  Acceptance is said to be the last of the 5 steps of "grieving a relationship loss".  Do a search and review those steps to familiarize yourself with them.  And no, don't try skipping those steps, but sometimes the order varies.  Remember, recovery is a process, not an event.