Totally Unsure

[pepper65]

My husband of 35 years left me one month ago.  After reading Walking on Eggshells, I believe he exhibits many, many BPD traits and behaviors that I have been trying to cope with (unsuccessfully) for many years. He is extremely bright, well spoken and can talk circles around me any day.  I have classically mishandled the situation over the years as I never knew what the problem was.I have become an apologist and blame taker with low self esteem and virtually lost all track of who I am, so eager have I been to try to avoid conflict that, to me, often had no context.

The kicker is that he first came to me with the idea that I was BPD. He had me so close to believing it that I jumped through the hoops of seeking two different BPD specialists to get an assessment for myself.  After both assured me that I certainly did not meet the criteria (although there were plenty of things I needed to work on ), my husband accused me of "cherry picking" the therapists.

My questions surround his calling the relationship over. I don't believe he thought I would end the relationship, as he had plenty of evidence to suggest that I would have put up with almost anything. I believe that he truly believes that I am BPD, that I am unfaithful, a liar and untrustworthy, that I disrespect him and shame him.  It never occurred to me (until I read the book) that he might be projecting his own illness on me. Both therapists that I saw suggested that there might be a reason he needed to see me as "sick", but did not suggest why.

According to my husband, he left me because "he could do no more for me", that being with me "was to emotionally taxing" and that he was to old to spend the rest of his life unhappy.  I love him, he says he loves me. It is clear neither of us can continue the relationship as it is.  Starting over at 65 hold no allure for me but, neither does the status quo.

Do I posit to him that indeed he might ave BPD?  If he has abandonment issues why would he leave me?  After 35 years is it just moving on to greener pastures?  I see no evidence of infidelity on his part (and none on mine despite the accusations)as we have been together virtually 24/7  for many, many years. Is it a consensus that I should "feel lucky" to be out? He has absolutely no support system (by his own doing) and I wonder if after a few months he may feel he has made a mistake. Would this be common?

Any help would be appreciated. I am so new to the thought that he might be BPD that I am uncertain how to proceed.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Hello peper65,



I'm glad that you reached out to us 

The accusation that you might have BPD sounds hurtful. It could very well be that he is projecting. The mother of my children "sent" me to therapy before we had kids,  and also a couples' communication class (which at first she tried to send me to alone until I told her it didn't work like that). 5 years later, she abandoned me to couples' counseling, and I decided to continue on my own.  "Cherry picking" a T... .how would one even do that?

She also sent her subsequent H to therapy.

She never accused me of having BPD, specifically, but I needed to be fixed. We all have issues,  or "wounds" as my T told me.  This is normal. 

Do you think telling him that he may have BPD would be helpful? This discussion might help: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=76633.0;all

Are you still living together at this point?

Turkish