introducing myself

[Sigh...]

I've  been married almost 33 years to my BPD spouse.  We have raised four children, one with very severe disabilities (blind, functions at about a 3 yr.old level) BPD has has many incidents over the years, but nothing we didn't get through. 

In the past 8 years, since our youngest went off to college, we were in a secure position financially with free time to enjoy our lives.  He start to slowly back a way from our relationship in a new way.  By 2014, he decided to have an affair.  He was 53, she was 23.  He did all kinds of disgusting things with her.  Introducing her to all of them.  When she started to put limits on him (her therapists told her he was probably BPD), he left her and confessed to me.  Apparently, I had a month to "get over it". 
 
When things weren't settled, he began the dance of "I love you/ I hate you/ I'm going to kill myself".  After a year of that, he started seeing a therapist regularly, went to DBT groups, a twelve step program,  took meds for depression and anxiety and went to couples counseling with me.  He moved back in to an extra bedroom in our home in March, 2016.  By May, he had stopped taking all of his meds besides the one for a panic attack.  He quit all of his therapies besides the couples (without telling me).  By June, he melted down again.  Our therapist and I said that it is never ok to 'deliberately' hurt someone.  He didn't agree and quit couples therapy.  He moved out in July and insisted he wanted a divorce.

We went to mediation in the fall of 2016.  At our second mediation, we agreed on a divorce package.  He only had a few documents to give the mediator and the divorce would go through.  Six months later, one excuse after another, I told him I made an appointment with a lawyer.  He cancelled all our credit cards and changed all the passwords on all of our accounts.  When I told him I only made it to give him a deadline (he works better with a deadline) and that I cancelled it, he was apologetic and reinstated what he could.
 
During all of this time, he had been threatening suicide.  Many times, he said he didn't want a divorce because he was going to kill himself.  I insisted that we continue towards a divorce since he didn't want to stay married and I didn't want him to kill himself.  Back and forth all year, with me feeling hopeful of his returning to sanity and he continuing to threaten suicide. 

Last week, he said he is going to kill himself in the next two weeks and that I only have to wait. We made another appointment with the mediator for two weeks. I want to let him know that I have made an appointment with the lawyer for two days after that, so that he knows I will move on.  I am afraid that he will 1. kill himself or 2. melt down at me again and attack me financially.  This roller-coaster has to stop!  He's a lawyer and a CPA.  He takes care of all of our finances.  He knows when I spend a dime, if it's not cash.
 
I don't want him to hurt himself and I don't want him to hurt me.  I still love him, and he says he loves me, but I can't live this way.  I'm seeing a therapist weekly and I am just starting to look for support groups.  Not sure which one is right for me.  A group for BPD, a group for co-dependency, a group for divorce after 30 years... .?

That's a very long story made short.  Thanks for listening.

[joeramabeme]

Hi Sigh

Sorry to hear about all that, 33 years is a long time to be married and it sounds as if you have been able to manage and weather his disorder fairly well.

Given that you have done some therapy, I am sure you have heard that you can't change others, only yourself.  Sometimes, that line gets blurry when people make threats about their own personal safety; we can feel empowered to show our care by trying to do or not do certain things that we hope will create a less volatile situation. 

From the little bit I read of your story, it seems that he knows you care for him and uses the suicide threat to keep you from leaving.  As you were saying, he is in this mode of come here / go away and the threats just keep the merry-go-round spinning.

Can you tell him straight out that you will not respond to those statements anymore?  Even if that sets him up to state them more emphatically - at least temporarily?  It just seems that if he wanted to follow through, he would have.  At this point, it seems more a cry for help to find comfort for an uncomfortable inner experience.

How are you personally doing through all of this?  And how are the kids handling it all?

JRB

[heartandwhole]

Hi Sigh... .,



I'd like to join  joeramabeme in welcoming you to the community. I'm very sorry to hear about your divorce. That is a ton of stress to be handling at once. I can really understand your feelings of loving your husband and not wanting him to be in pain (let alone kill himself), while at the same time needing to move on for your own sanity.

A very tough situation, but you have found a great place for support. Members here have been in similar situations and understand what you are going through. Even though you have your unique challenges, you'll find parallels in members' stories. You are not alone. 

Dealing with threats of suicide while trying to negotiate a divorce is especially difficult. We have some solid information in this thread that can help. When you have time, I hope you'll have a look:

Suicidal Ideation in Others

Do you have supportive friends and family whom you can lean on at this time, Sigh? Are you taking good care of yourself—eating well, sleeping enough, exercising? It's so important to reach out and to rally as much support around you as you can.

Keep writing. We're here to support you.

heartandwhole