Relapse

[CorsaG19]

Hi guys. So i feel in a pretty bad way right now. Ive been feeling so good these last few weeks. I managed 7 days NC and then my 4 year old facetimed the exwBPD. She had been ringing a few times but i ignored it. My bad for leaving it on the phone and letting my little girl play with it. I left them to talk. Ex kept trying to make convo with me but i didn't bite. Stayed out the way.

Next day it was my birthday. There was only 1 person i wanted to wish me a happy birthday. She didnt. She called at 11pm (withheld number) and i only answered to see her excuse. She was only ringing me to go on about a joint storage unit we had. I have handed in the notice and she has no way of getting her stuff out as she lives an hour away now. Asked her if she knew what day it was. She said no... .then said oh yeah happy birthday. I hung up.

Felt really good since then. That i was free from her. No need to speak to her.

Today she called. Withheld number again so i think its work. Answered and she starts going on about the storage unit again. She rang them pretending she was me! Cancelled the notice. I told her i wanted out and that was the only thing connecting us. Told her we can transfer it into her name. She said no she doesnt want that. She wants it in my name with her bank details to pay. Strange. Then she said i was only being like this because i know shes in a relationship now... .

Man. That hit me so hard. Its been 5 weeks since she moved out. I know shes slept with people since. I know she eyes up a replacement. Someone she once cheated on me with. But that lasted a week. But this time it really hit me hard. Because the new replacement is someone she told me she really likes. Whos ten times the woman i am apparently.

I brushed it off. Acted like i wasnt bothered. She was screaming high pitch down the phone at me. Lile a mad woman. I couldnt tell what she was saying!. Like someone possessed

Then i did what i always said i would never do. I looked at this other girls social media. God i wish i hadnt. Profile picture of the 2 of them together. In a relationship since 27th May.

You know what is the worse thing? The thing that made me throw up? The fact the ex has put it on her facebook as well. Shes blocked so i cant see it but i could see comments from her family members on the new gf's so it was clearly connected. They updated this the FIRST day they met! The 27th was the day she drove 3 hours to meet her! The whole time we was together she refused to put it on facebook. Said she was private like that. We had a few pictures together on her profile but that was it. Thats was hurts the most. That within 2 weeks of them starting talking... .the day they meet... .its all over facebook.

I can honestly say i will never. Ever. Speak to her again. This really has tipped me over. And in a few days i will feel better bit right now im gutted. Devastated.

[FSTL]

This sounds tough and a lot of us have been there.


But take some solace in the fact you are seeing her for what she really is, not the idealised version you thought she was. With that clarity of vision - do you really want her in your's and your 4yo's life?

Although it's upsetting at the time, I was always grateful that I got to see the real version of my BPDx (eg when she tried to cheat on my replacement with me) - am really helpful I didn't have kids with her or get married. Imagine how much harder it would be then?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Corsa,

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through.  I'm sure like me you try to keep everything happy and cheery around your little one too, which makes suffering pain so much harder as often it hits you in waves and trying to contain it until they are in bed can be so difficult.  Let yourself have a good cry when you are able and let it all out.  She may have been 'rubbing your face in it' to do her best to make you jealous and see if that motivated you to fight to get her back.  That's the sort of thing my ex would do.  He always wanted to be fought for and would test to see how far I'd go.  Good on you for having the resolve you do and for using this as fuel to keep away.  I expect you've already taken steps to cut the chord with the storage unit and it sounds like she was simply attempting to keep a link between you so there would be an excuse to contact you or vice versa.  You've seen through the behaviour which is great and will strengthen you as you work through the feelings this has provoked.  It's so horrible how they still have the ability to keep on reappearing and hurting us over and over. 

I've had all the withheld calls too early on, although eventually I made a blanket decision to never answer any and allow the voicemail to pick up.  I figure if it's something important the caller will leave a message and I'll call them back.  I know he has tried within recent weeks because I can't think of anyone else from a professional setting that would ring me at 12.30am... .  Maybe tell work to always leave you messages if you miss the call then you can't be subjected to any further attempts.

Love and light x

[CorsaG19]

Thank you.

I have emailed the storage unit and that is no longer my problem. Told them she can take it over and if she does not wish to then the notice still stands. I no longer have to worry about that

Ive blocked withheld numbers on my phone as well. If work need me then they can email me. Its never really that important.

A few friends at work said it sounds like shes doing this because she misses me and wants to try and see me. That shes done that on facebook expecting me to see and confront her and she rang me because i obviously hadnt seen.

Ive never received an apology from her for the way shes acted recently. Nothing. In the first few months she once commented that her dad who died a few years ago and she idolised would of loved me and been angry with how she treated me. Didnt last long.

She told me 2 weeks ago that there is nothing wrong with her and she doesnt have BPD. Even tho 2 doctors have diagnosed her... .within 20 minutes of seeing her. She only took the medication for me. Its clear it would never work. I have too much self respect to be treated this way. And im certainly not going to fight for someone who continues to hurt me. Even if they dont see they have done anything wrong

Back to square 1... .nearly 1 day NC haha