Still being terrorized by BPD ex after 2 years divorce

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello,

After a very rocky relationship and marriage, I came to find out that my ex has BPD. Needless to say that the divorce was a nightmare in itself and his threat of when he is done with me I would not even be able to find a minimum pay job... .it all came true. I was so dumb and naive, still shaking my head about myself not understanding that he meant what he said and followed through on all accounts.

I was discredited, disgraced, bad mouthed, you name it, I got it. It was all prepared long even before the rocky part started. I was set up and played.

For the most part, I still have no idea of what happened and why and your site helped me understand that there is no need for me to further investigate as I will never understand the depth and disturbed brain of my ex, which is why I worked on myself and why I was so attracted to him in the first place.

I am reaching out as he just got into my car to make another statement of I am here and watch you all the time, while the car was parked at the airport.

He always leaves a little evidence of him having been there and being in control, but he makes sure it is nothing that he can get busted on. I inherited the car in the divorce, so when I talked to the police, they said that even if the would find the fingerprints on the radio, he could claim that those are from him owning the car previous to our divorce.

He is always steps ahead of me. Mapping things out and making me look like the idiot, paranoid, crazy individual that he started describing me to everyone even during our relationship (I came to find out after our divorce).

He brakes into our home and takes underwear and socks. Manipulates our computers and cell phones. We have been sabotaged with surveillance software that prevented/limited google searches to what he wanted me to see and find. It took me forever to figure all this out but I still was unable to prove it was him or even link it to him.

Has anyone experienced this as well and how did you get him to stop?

Please help I am desperate and don't know of how to protect myself any longer.

Thank you

[Idefix01]

Hello,

After a very rocky relationship and marriage, I came to find out that my ex has BPD. Needless to say that the divorce was a nightmare in itself and his threat of when he is done with me I would not even be able to find a minimum pay job... .it all came true. I was so dumb and naive, still shaking my head about myself not understanding that he meant what he said and followed through on all accounts.

I was discredited, disgraced, bad mouthed, you name it, I got it. It was all prepared long even before the rocky part started. I was set up and played.

For the most part, I still have no idea of what happened and why and your site helped me understand that there is no need for me to further investigate as I will never understand the depth and disturbed brain of my ex, which is why I worked on myself and why I was so attracted to him in the first place.

I am reaching out as he just got into my car to make another statement of I am here and watch you all the time, while the car was parked at the airport.

He always leaves a little evidence of him having been there and being in control, but he makes sure it is nothing that he can get busted on. I inherited the car in the divorce, so when I talked to the police, they said that even if the would find the fingerprints on the radio, he could claim that those are from him owning the car previous to our divorce.

He is always steps ahead of me. Mapping things out and making me look like the idiot, paranoid, crazy individual that he started describing me to everyone even during our relationship (I came to find out after our divorce).

He brakes into our home and takes underwear and socks. Manipulates our computers and cell phones. We have been sabotaged with surveillance software that prevented/limited google searches to what he wanted me to see and find. It took me forever to figure all this out but I still was unable to prove it was him or even link it to him.

Has anyone experienced this as well and how did you get him to stop?

Please help I am desperate and don't know of how to protect myself any longer.

Thank you

[Stolen]

Idefix,

Knowing that you are under surveillance is a terrible intrusion into your peace of mind.  A couple of quick solutions - if you don't have the technical knowhow, call in the Geek Squad or a similar IT service and have all your computers and other internet-enabled devices inoculated. Since some of the nastier stuff (key loggers, eBlaster, etc.) are quite good at hiding, this usually requires a wipe and reload of the operating system. After such, apply and always use a password you share with nobody.  That should fix the computer stuff.

Break-ins?  Best solution I have found (after changing the locks), is to put in a surveillance camera - I like the DropCam (about $200).  This will both alert you, as well as maintain a record of any events (it records 2 weeks on a rolling basis). Hard to dispute video evidence.

Not sure what to do about the car issue, but I imagine it could be rekeyed by the dealer (I don't think this would be cheap... .) 

Good luck.  The creeping feeling of being "watched" will make you crazy in time. I've been there... .

[Idefix01]

Stolen,

Thank you so much. I will get the camera that's a good idea.

The car issue cannot be solved as it was his car to begin with and the keyless entry will always allow the manufacturers default key to be used.

IT and computer is an endless story. All my computers have been serviced, cleaned and reinstalled multiple times - which did cost me a fortune. It is always just a matter of time, until he hacked his way back in. So far I have not found anyone capable of linking it to him, but I won't give up and was hoping to find someone on here who was able to resolve this issue.

Would you mind sharing what you experienced?

I am not angry anymore or sad. I just want this to end and don't want to have to be careful anymore. He stole so much from me there is not much left anymore, but the feeling that it will only be a matter of time, until he gets through my things again is something I do not wish to have to live with any longer.

Thank you again for listening and your advice. It means the world to me.

[takingandsending]

Hello, Idefix01 and welcome to bpdfamily.

Has your xh been violent or physical in any manner? I am concerned for your safety. What you describe is extreme gaslighting. Do you think he would harm you? You mention he has done this to "our computers and cell phones" and "we have been sabotaged". Are you with a new partner?

Although you are not living together, I think that you may want to read through the safety plan, https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf. Also, have you contacted the police and/or a lawyer? Is your divorce final? Are there children involved?

Please let us know a bit more information, and we can work out how to help you better.

[david]

If it makes sense financially you might want to trade in the car for something else. It took me a while to build a wall against my ex's intrusions. It was not as intrusive as your situation but we have two children together so it was a challenge in that aspect.
My neighbors told me of stories of ex coming to my house and walking around the premises when I was at work. I saw her several times in my rear view mirror. I made no issue of it with her and eventually it stopped.

[Idefix01]

Hello Takingandsending,

Thank you for your concerns. I greatly appreciate it. He has been physically violent only once even though it takes him a tremendous amount of control that I could tell by his facial expressions. I am certain he took it out on someone else and I feel terrible about that, but I guess he knew that I would not have taken anymore physical violence. That would have probably gotten me over the edge much quicker and would have made me leave him no matter what on the spot. His financial and emotional abuse was way harder to notice and it took me way longer to get away due to the fact that he made me believe that I am the crazy one. It was orchestrated to well, I am still in awe thinking about it looking back.

That's the game he still plays and it served him well. He had created a situation where I was 'declared' cray by him to everyone we knew and did not know. I had no idea, but when I went to get help (police, attorney's, judge) no one believed me and they all treated me like a mental patient. It was horrible.

Lucky me, he described me as a violent, aggressive and outrageous person with a personality disorder and lack of integrity.

It's been took two years after the divorce was finalized that people start to realize that it was not me but him doing all the things he 'reported' and bad mouthed me of doing.

Incl. purchasing narcotics in my name. Using my p o box, phone number and email accounts. I have made 5 attempts to report him to 3 different police departments and took notes of that. They all down played it and where very nice to me... .just like you'd pet a dog on the head, but no one helped or believed me. It was a nightmare one of its' kind.

I stayed calm and collected all this time, crying inside and stayed strong for my child (the 'we' in this). I worked on myself to find out why I took in all this blame and abuse for so long and came out stronger. It was not an easy journey and will probably continue for the rest of my life, but I now stand strong for myself again and have been for my child. He is not the child's father by the way which made it a lot easier for me then it has and is for the majority of you. I feel so bad for you all as I would not know of how to handle that.

I have just trade in the car which is another step into locking him out, but he has no limits and borders. Right after we split up, my son and I lived with friends for a few weeks ... .all went well... .until my ex broke into their house at night while they were on vacation and we were house sitting. He left his marks as usual and left. It was scary and so disturbing. A horror scenario that has never ended.

He is financially very well off and has no issues using the money to pay someone to follow me around or break into the home or... .what ever else he feels would make me feel like he is watching me all the time.

I have learned to live with it and for the most part, I can deal with it well, but when ever he leaves the evidence that he was there... .it hits me again and throws me back to the fear. It just is not right, but not much I can do. At least I think that by now police knows that it was not me purchasing all those narcotics and potentially selling them as I take not medication and never have. I have reported all it intrusions to the police as well as the FBI. Banks, Post office, filed endless missing mail reports, changed my address, moved, changed phone numbers and email addresses like other people change their underwear to get accused in the court room that I am unstable and hide behind endless email addresses.

I was stunned beyond comprehension when I heard that accusation... .

To sum it all up, I was not prepared for the evilness of this man. Not when I got into the relationship, during or after.

I was naive, dumb and everything in-between.

He is so careful and only does things that even the police is admirable about... .so the evidence he leaves behind can always be interpreted as accidental or like the car issue... .if fingerprints are present, it was his car before I got it in the divorce.

I feel very sorry for his current girlfriend as she is going through hell any time he shows up here at night and it will not stop for her either but there is nothing I can do.

I just purchased all new technical equipment hoping that this time, I can lock him out completely. Just knowing from the past, it never lasted long and hacked himself into my accounts again which is why I asked for help.

Thank you

[Idefix01]

David,

Thank you for your response! I am so glad to read that it stopped for you. How long did that take?

Have your children recovered from the situation?

[david]

It took about four years before most of the real crazy stuff ended. Recently it started to pick up but it was a triangulation between one of my ss's(her child from her first marriage), her, and me. I believe ss finally figured it out a about two weeks ago and called her on her lies. I only heard through others some of the things that happened because I distanced myself from any interaction with her once I realized what she was doing.

[Panda39]

I like the camera idea... .What about having an alarm system installed on your house?

[ForeverDad]

If the case gets dismissed, then what?  Will the court order a parenting schedule?  I suspect you would just revert back to the prior status before her filing where you both have equal but undefined parental rights.  Surely there will be disagreement as to what that should be and maybe you'll get another motion served against you, maybe you'll get arrested on new trumped up allegations, no one can predict when.  An observation here is that once allegations are contemplated, threatened or actually happen, then it will happen again, given enough time.

As hard as it is to hear this, your lawyer is right, since it is clear the marriage is dysfunctional, unhealthy, dangerous for you and will be ending sooner rather than later, it would be best to have a divorce filing in place by the time you have the next hearing.

[babyoctopus]

"His financial and emotional abuse was way harder to notice and it took me way longer to get away due to the fact that he made me believe that I am the crazy one. It was orchestrated to well, I am still in awe thinking about it looking back. "

HI!

This is the first time I have read "financial abuse" on the boards- maybe anywhere!- and so many of us are victims of it!

After I got a job after being a SAHM for 18 years, he didn't like the fact that I was bringing home a stead paycheck. So he just refused to pay bills. The only time he would was if the power was about to get shut off. We would go 1-2 weeks without grocery money. Then come to find out, he made me pay all the utilities because "he was paying the mortgage", but guess what? We were 5 mos in arrears. Then he does a modification- and doesn't tell me it added 20K to our mortgage!@!

I've got less than a week until I move out.To my own place. I'm scared sh!tless, because I haven't told him yet and I fear his reaction. (I've been plotting and planning this a loong time- have to pull a Katie Holmes) But what can he do? I can refuse to let him in- its MY place. Not his. I have to tell him address because of minor kids, otherwise I would NOT.

Almost there... .

[Idefix01]

"His financial and emotional abuse was way harder to notice and it took me way longer to get away due to the fact that he made me believe that I am the crazy one. It was orchestrated to well, I am still in awe thinking about it looking back. "

HI!

This is the first time I have read "financial abuse" on the boards- maybe anywhere!- and so many of us are victims of it!

After I got a job after being a SAHM for 18 years, he didn't like the fact that I was bringing home a stead paycheck. So he just refused to pay bills. The only time he would was if the power was about to get shut off. We would go 1-2 weeks without grocery money. Then come to find out, he made me pay all the utilities because "he was paying the mortgage", but guess what? We were 5 mos in arrears. Then he does a modification- and doesn't tell me it added 20K to our mortgage!@!

I've got less than a week until I move out.To my own place. I'm scared sh!tless, because I haven't told him yet and I fear his reaction. (I've been plotting and planning this a loong time- have to pull a Katie Holmes) But what can he do? I can refuse to let him in- its MY place. Not his. I have to tell him address because of minor kids, otherwise I would NOT.


Almost there... .


Thanks so much, Babyoctopus!

I am so glad you've planned it and mapped it all out. I did not do that and it was a huge mistake, however, even if I had mapped it out, I would have never expected what he was and still is willing to pull on me on a daily basis.
Please prepare yourself for the worst and it will even get 10x worse than that. I know I am scaring you but it is better now and you wait a few days longer until you'll have it all set up then getting caught by surprise.
Set up a camera before you move in. Alarm system only in your maiden name. All emails and passwords please think about changing them. Especially your cell phone bill and online account.

My ex just changed my password on the insurance website and set my insurance from quarterly to monthly... .which in turn made me drive around without insurance coverage unknowingly of course. He had also changed my address back to the old one and the email was sent to him instead of my new email address. Yes all highly criminal, but he was on the insurance previously and when all these changes were made it can still be explained with a computer glitch and trust me, no one is eager to get involved to prove otherwise. I only learned about this, because I called to make a change to the policy, otherwise, I would have probably found out by getting pulled over and presented a ticket.

They get so creative to create roadblocks it still leaves me stunned!

Not in my wildest dreams would I have believed anyone, if they had told me all this beforehand.

Wishing you the best of luck!