Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
July 02, 2024, 01:44:16 AM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Experts share their discoveries
[video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
> Topic:
Needing support
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: Needing support (Read 385 times)
McCone
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 12
Needing support
«
on:
June 13, 2017, 02:16:48 PM »
Hello all,
Allow me to introduce myself; I've been married to my wife for nearly 18 years. We've had a rather rough go of it you might say. We have had marriage counseling and my wife (I'll refer to her as Bernie but that is not her real name) has had individual counseling and sexual abuse therapy. She's had a rough upbringing including an extremely domineering and invalidating mother as well as sexual abuse as an infant into her toddler years up to approximately age 5. I've had extensive counseling as well and have worked through major issues from my childhood including dealing with anger issues and being raised in a dysfunctional family. We have 3 children together and the eldest has had difficulty managing her emotions along with anxiety. I'll refer to her as Molly but that is not her real name. Molly has done an outstanding job and has made tremendous progress with managing her emotions. Molly's journey has included DBT which helped her the most by far in my opinion. Molly also did EMDR therapy and CBT. Bernie has done EMDR and CBT as well. For Bernie, the EMDR has helped her a lot with trauma from her childhood abuse experiences. I've done reading on BPD and I'm lead to believe that this is what Bernie may have. She can have some good days where she is able to regulate her emotions fairly well. There are other days where she can be quite dis-regulated emotionally and she begins to spiral down the path of negative thinking and her perceptions become very much skewed when she gets into these states. This is where things get to be too much for me; when Bernie says that I've said something which had a very rude intent to her. But she won't talk about it until she gets to a point where she blows emotionally. Then it boils over and is very dis-respectful to me. At these times she cites things that I've said which appear to be her faulty perception due to her state of emotional diss-regulation. For example, I asked on the phone if she could leave the dental waiting room to talk with me not knowing anything about the situation she may be in. I was asking if it would be ok if she left the room not knowing her situation. It was simply a question to find out if she could leave the room. She responded by saying; "I don't want to be rude!". As though I should have known it would be rude to leave. I knew nothing about her situation but she seemed to assume I did. Now if I ask her about these types of instances and say that isn't what I meant (that she should leave the room in this case) she'll accuse me of not being willing to take responsibility, that I just tell her she has the problem, that "you just can't see it", that I say things that are rude and don't even know it or can't see it. So, I don't know what to do about this and our resulting relationship. It seems like I'm better off to not bring things up with her regarding things like this but I don't want to be an image in her mind of someone that refuses to take responsibility. As well as the arguing about what I meant versus what she thinks I meant. She won't believe me when I say what I meant versus how she perceived it. I very much so dislike being libeled like this. This leads to issues with our mutual friends also where she tells them these false stories that make me out to be some kind of socially illiterate person. Then when I try to say my intention she says; 'see, you just tell me I'm wrong, you won't take responsibility, you just defend yourself'. So, she makes me the villain and the more I try to defend myself the worse things get and the more it looks like I have something to hide (marriage counseling regrets). But I feel so victimized by this. Any ideas to help me and my relationship with Bernie? Thank you all, McCone.
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.
Tattered Heart
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1943
Re: Needing support
«
Reply #1 on:
June 13, 2017, 02:24:29 PM »
Hi McCone,
Welcome to the boards. The circular arguments you just described sound so familiar. It sounds to me that when your wife makes an accusation against you for something that you know you did not really do or that you had a good reason to do, that you begin to JADE. JADE stands for justify, apologize, defend, or explain. We have a saying here: Don't JADE. When we JADe our pwBPD may see this as invalidating their perception, emotions, etc. and that is what leads to a blow up. Grasping this concept has really helped me quite a bit.
Here is a link to one of our workshops on Don't JADE:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0
Logged
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life Proverbs 13:12
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
> Topic:
Needing support
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...