My sister states: I am now suffering from shingles which Kenny says is due to stress. Seems one week with you was too much.
Although vacations are for fun. Preparing for a big trip, a travel schedule, time change and lack of sleep is stressful. Chances are, she would have gotten shingles, if the trip went perfectly. People with BPD or BPD traits like to play the blame game. If you are on their "naughty list", then the blame game continues and the list grows.
FOR REFERENCE:Shingles is caused by the Varicella Zoster virus, the same virus that causes chickenpox. Only someone who has had chickenpox – or, rarely, has gotten chickenpox vaccine – can get shingles
At breakfast, she wouldn't acknowledge or make eye contact with me. We walked to the train and while we were waiting, I went back in... ."So, are you going to give me the silent treatment all day?" and this was her response:
"I am not mad at you for turning out the lights. I am mad about your apology! Giving me that fake smile and trying to manipulate me."
I was literally stunned. But I managed to get out, in a low, calm voice, "My apology was sincere, if you didn't take it that way, that isn't my problem." "OK" was all she said. Not "I am sorry that I said that and I accept your apology" or anything to acknowledge that she pushed my apology in my face and accused me of something.
I completely understand your frustration and how your comment spontaneously slipped out. The
"That isn't my problem" comment likely invalidated her and she made sure it became your problem by her subsequent behavior. It would have been better, if you remained silent, or perhaps replied with something like, "I'm sorry that you feel my apology is insincere. I understand that you were disturbed by the situation with the lights. I'm frustrated with the card/light situation myself and perhaps that showed up in my expression."
You now know how I have felt for years, unappreciated, and taken for granted. There is something wrong with you, and it is not me.
Can you make any sense out of her comments of being unappreciated and taken for granted?
I got some odd comments from my sister, accusing me of things that made no sense and seemed to be invented in her mind and spun into a reality of her own.
"Not invalidating" feelings and validating feelings can be tricky. You don't want to validate invalid facts, but validating feelings is a different matter. You don't have to agree with feelings, in order to validate them (and they usually won't make sense to you). Efforts to validate feelings is not always successful, and it can take practice. When uncertain of what to do, best to just NOT invalidate by word, expression or body or language. Sometimes, you may need to check your expressions around her, and do your best to achieve a blank expression. Sometimes we can be oblivious to our expressions and people with BPD tend to misinterpret things easily.
Below are some links to info. on validation/don't invalidate: DON'T INVALIDATE MORE ON VALIDATION - DON'T INVALIDATE VALIDATION - LEVELS OF VALIDATIONValidation can take some practice, and sometimes it might not work for the most skilled person. So, it's okay to just NOT invalidate.
By describing the letter you sent, sounds like your husband may have assisted you with using some "I" statements. My therapist suggested using "I" statements, when I brought up the idea of possibly sending my sister a letter (circumstances haven't been right yet). I was, also, warned to not bring up too many issues at one time, because my sister would likely be very sensitive and I would get a negative reaction.
A few weeks past and I got some random texts from her. Nothing more than statements, nothing that required responses.
If the statements would have lead to an argument or controversial conversation, it was a good idea to ignore them. If that wasn't the case, I'm thinking it may have been her way to open communication. Were the comments addressed to you only, or was there a distribution to several people at the same time? Perhaps, one of them could have been an opportunity to just reply, "Hi, how is it going". A lot depends on the nature of the comments she texted.
And one of my concerns is my aging parents and what our interactions are going to look like as we move forward.
There is a big part of me that regrets sending the letter. I should have stuck to my old ways even though if means nothing gets resolved. But now I feel I have no exit strategy or way to make this better.
:)o you have any other siblings? You might want to check with your parents, in regard to their estate plans, who is signed up for medical and financial power of attorneys. My parents kept quiet on those issues, so we didn't know the plans until we were forced to use the POA's. My parents made my sister and me "co" on everything. (medical, financial POA's and then on administration of their trust).
It was a lot easier for me to "suck it up" and just move on from some bad interactions with my sister, for the sake of our parents (while they were alive). They both passed within 4 months of each other. It was a long hard road of frustrating interactions with my sister: multiple episodes of "the silent treatment", phone hang ups in mid conversation, arguments about stupid things, passive aggressive behaviors, lies, etc. From her perspective, I was either "talking to her like I would someone I worked with" or "taking down to her" (opposite ends of the spectrum). Nothing made any sense and my world was turned upside down.
If I could have done something differently, I would have put on some pressure for us both to go to joint counseling, just before we put our parent's home up for sale. Both parents had passed at that point. My sister had a significant rage event and I went to solo counseling after that. I did eventually get an apology from my sister for the rage event, but nothing changed. I think the apology was for the purpose of moving forward with selling the house. It didn't take long before the same behaviors resumed and a couple of additional disturbing behaviors were added.
It's hard to predict what will happen with your parents. I had a "perfect storm" of problems, with both parents being hospitalized at the same time and both passing within 4 months or each other. Minimally, in your situation, one parent will pass and the other will survive for a number of years. If your parents are mentally stable (no mental illness or personality disorder traits), then things can go more smoothly (especially if they have planned for retirement).
It can be a tough road if you are painted black. Generally, you can hope to talk through issues with someone who doesn't have BPD or certain BPD traits. It can be tough to work through problems, if someone can't see that they are at least part of the problem. There are variation in situations and possibilities. Sometime, it's a matter of trial and error. Counseling may or may not help. Even if it helps to some extent, it could be worth it.
Some people just move forward, as if nothing happened. In certain circumstances, it might be the best answer for some people. Things can really fall apart, when parents pass.
