You don't deserve

[roberto516]

So naturally it's been a rough day. It's been a rough week since seeing her photo in a group text. I've been raging and have failed miserable at no contact. Today I got some closure when I asked her if she realizes she didn't put work into this relationship. She said "I realize I could have done more. But I didn't want to. I don't want to be in a relationship. Goodbye." Now I have to somehow just stop, gather myself, and move on to bigger and better things. I'm so aware that this was an emotionally abusive relationship. I'm so aware that it was just take, take, take. I'm so aware that it wasn't a relationship where I was allowed to talk about my feelings. And so I began to write it all out. And this is what I wrote to myself. Perhaps it can help other people see an alternate way of looking at the relationship. Maybe we aren't the losers here. I guess I'd pen the thing I wrote as "You don't deserve."

You don't deserve having someone who makes you a top priority in your life. You don't deserve someone who is going to hear your concerns and work very very hard to make the minor changes. Whether it was fighting the introvert nature to be more social around your family, becoming a gift giver or sleeping in the bed again. 99% of people are too stubborn to ever change. You don't deserve someone who heard you, used empathy, and consciously decided to make those changes because you mattered enough. You don't deserve someone who would be very upset but still comfort and hold you, make you laugh, and help you in dark times.

You don't deserve someone who, after being tossed away by you, still wanted to try again and answered every call when you were in need. You don't deserve someone who cared enough about you to walk towards the ends of the earth if you ever needed his support. You don't deserve someone who would drive up before a blizzard at 10 pm because you didn't want to be alone even though you didn't want to be anything but a friend. You don't deserve someone who worked so hard from january to march to learn about being more patient, validating, and understanding and was actually able to do it for the month you had some use for me.

You don't deserve someone who feared you'd leave him again in April but still went out and bought yoga fest tickets as a way to show that I had changed and was willing to now spend money and go on trips around the world with you.

You don't deserve someone who would dog sit all the time so you could go to yoga, mediation, yoga seminars and vacations to new york or las vegas. And you don't deserve someone who would be sitting at your place absolutely happy that you were out doing those things because it meant you were taking care of yourself.

You don't deserve someone who never told you no or got mad when you wanted to go out and do self-care or spend time with friends or family. You don't deserve someone who spent weeks encouraging you and supporting you when you started the new job and yoga school.

You don't deserve someone who, no matter how tired or drained i was, if you wanted to talk about anxieties or sadness I would always put everything aside to help you. You don't deserve someone who sat in doctor's and eye doctor rooms with you to keep you company.

You don't deserve someone who, before work, walks the dog and makes you a coffee to leave by your nightstand with a kiss as well.

You don't deserve someone who heard your dream of retiring early so I began to put money to the side in investments so that you could have that dream.

You don't deserve someone who had no interest in reality tv but became a fan of it and eagerly wanted to watch it with you. You don't deserve someone who would come home after a long day at work and spend an hour downloading music for you.

You don't deserve someone who encouraged you with your teaching and gladly became your guinea pig so you could practice your routine on someone.

You don't deserve someone who told you, at least 5 times a day, how beautiful you were. You don't deserve someone who never thought of cheating on you, or ever disrespected you with your insecurities about being cheated on.

You don't deserve someone who learned to love the good and the bad about you. You don't deserve someone who, after the honeymoon phase ended, began to really love everything about you. Even the annoying stuff. That became the things I loved about you the most. True love.

You don't deserve someone who wanted to go to couples therapy as a way to grow. You don't deserve someone who looked at every disagreement with patience and excitement instead of writing off the relationship or getting resentful.

And you don't deserve someone who, numerous times, felt every urge to leave the relationship, but decided to stay and fight instead of give up and look inside himself to see how he could better the relationship and be a better partner. You don't deserve someone who has the insight to see that there is self-sabotage going on and instead of running from it decides to figure out how to work on it.

You don't deserve someone like me. You lost an amazing man. You really did. And that's your loss. And deep down... .you know it too. And that's it. Goodbye.

[once removed]

that was probably pretty tough to hear from her, and it certainly wasnt put gently by her.

roberto, id like to suggest, respectfully and gently, that you might be going down the road of painting your ex black. this has been something of a dance, where you lash out at her, then retract the lashing out, and then repeat.

it sounds to me like you are struggling with feelings of rejection, and railing against them, and that the dance is really only digging the wound deeper. its understandable. im not sure i ever felt more rejected, and it made me feel small, and powerless, and that was beyond uncomfortable; i dont do well with feelings of rejection, a lot of us dont.

i wrote a lot of really nasty stuff i directed at my ex but never sent, and i cant say i have any regrets about it. there was probably some truth in there somewhere, but most of it was about releasing my pain. this exercise can be very useful, cathartic, and i wouldnt discourage you from it. i would encourage you to see the wound for what it is, face it, and avoid self defeating behaviors that compound it.

when we decide that we are really done with the relationship, we lose the sense that its us vs them.

[roberto516]

roberto, id like to suggest, respectfully and gently, that you might be going down the road of painting your ex black. this has been something of a dance, where you lash out at her, then retract the lashing out, and then repeat.

it sounds to me like you are struggling with feelings of rejection, and railing against them, and that the dance is really only digging the wound deeper. its understandable. im not sure i ever felt more rejected, and it made me feel small, and powerless, and that was beyond uncomfortable; i dont do well with feelings of rejection, a lot of us dont.

 

It is what I do. I get angry, feel bad about it, get angry, feel bad about it. And it is definitely my feelings of being rejected. I'm okay with rejection in a lot of areas of my life. It's only when I feel that someone else loves me that the rejection is immense and painful. And yes, it was such a detached statement. Hearing from someone I loved dearly that they finally admitted "I didn't want to." It's a real hurt and betrayal of who I thought she was. Especially considering that the choice to do so or not came at a time when I was depressed at losing my grandpop. Which pains me even more. Because she saw my situation, and chose not to care at all when I suggested we both talk about what we need from each other.

This is what I am struggling with the most. It is the rejection. But I don't know what to do about it. Because when I think about the rejection and the discard with no care I get so angry, and that's when I struggle the most with just keeping my big mouth shut. After she said those words to me I sent her something back which was not nice. I have now blocked her email. I'm considering a frontal lobotomy so I forget her email address and phone number .

Right now she is painted black to me. I really do view her as all bad. I know she is a fragile, damaged human being at the core. But to be going to therapy for so long and to even be in the field and she had no insight into any of this before she scooped me up just infuriates me. I don't like to be used. I don't like that I allowed myself to be used.

I am coping with the sadness, the anxiety, etc. But the anger is the one that I just can't control in a healthy way. I know about fight or flight so when I get angry my brain literally primes itself for battle and action.

But it's true in my eyes. She doesn't deserve that stuff. Not until she is capable of reciprocating it for someone else. And she definitely doesn't deserve it from me.

This has really just been a long, difficult road. I should have just found my way here when I left her first. It would be about 6 months in and I could only imagine where I'd be in my recovery. My brain has literally not taken a break from the negative emotions for 6 months. I fear permanent damage from this. It's just a lot. I just want it to stop. I know how to make it stop. Go no contact for me (although she will never reach out again for sure so I don't have to worry about her reaching out) and start taking care of myself. I just want it all to go away right now. I want to wake up tomorrow and be indifferent to all of it.

[once removed]

this is valuable insight, stuff you can really work with in therapy.

there will be natural ups and downs, and the anger is certainly not an inherently bad thing, just dont let it permanently distort the bigger picture, because frankly, the closer you get to that bigger picture, the easier it will be to let go of the anger, mourn the loss, and reach the Freedom stage of Detaching.

i know this is hard, and the pain will not go away over night. it gets better. these feelings will pass.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi roberto,

I read what you wrote twice.  I can feel the pain behind your words.  I don't honestly think I've allowed myself to break it down like that so far - to actually really think about all that I did, sacrificed and how far above and beyond I went.  The fact you've really thought about that and poured out your heart in this way says something about your recovery, whether you see it yet or not.  This was facing a demon alright.  I fear it would take me under to fully acknowledge just how much of myself I gave away to no avail.  So I applaud you for being able to really examine the relationshi and your input.  One day I hope that you can read it back and notice that you clearly have so much to offer the right person.  Someone who, as you say, can reciprocate.  I hope that day comes for you.  Until then please find a way to give that much to yourself.  It's you who needs it now and more than ever.  Be kind to you.  You do deserve it.

Love and light x  

[Emotions]

Stay strong brother for you and for the rest of us... .one day we can have a beer, or soda and cheers each other for the better days coming. Look up Buddha quotes online and see if that helps a little... .you can get through this, you might be starting to accept the situation, which is further along than me... .keep up the good work and have faith in your own strength.

[vaztek2003]

Stay strong Roberto! I can honestly say that what you typed would basically be word for word what I feel and what I would write, just exchanging the yoga for makeup. We all know the pain and struggle we all experience from this ordeal, sometimes pushing us to the limits and I can honestly understand why you continued to reach out. This is an addiction afterall. It wont be easy but I know you will begin to make strides in recovery. Stay strong!