My ex BPD left the relationship with no remorse. How?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Me and my ex BPD were together for years. She walked away showing no remorse.  How can that be? Is she just hiding the pain or do BPD's just don't care or feel? It seemed in the relationship she could feel emotion.  Please help me understand.

[lom48]

Me and my ex BPD were together for years. She walked away showing no remorse.  How can that be? Is she just hiding the pain or do BPD's just don't care or feel? It seemed in the relationship she could feel emotion.  Please help me understand.

[Bigmd]

I'm not sure how much reading you have done on BPD ,but this is what they do. They cannot regulate emotions. Mine did the same after a 6 year history. Broke up over phone and never looked back. Unfortunately this is what they do. It's sad.

[AG]

Keep reading on the disorder and you will understand a little better. It is very hard to explain without you doing quite a bit of research. In short they compartmentalize everything which gives them temporary relief. However it is like a balloon filling with water and eventually somewhere down the line the balloon will pop.

[Confused108]

I'm so sorry  you found out the hard way like so many of us here. Ppl with this disorder do this. They love and want you one day and maybe 15 min from now or tomorrow they are ending it. I wish I knew about this disorder before hand. Would have saved me a ton of heartache!

[C.Stein]

Me and my ex BPD were together for years. She walked away showing no remorse.  How can that be? Is she just hiding the pain or do BPD's just don't care or feel? It seemed in the relationship she could feel emotion.  Please help me understand.

Same thing with my ex man.  Replaced me and walked away without any guilt or remorse.  She has acted like we never even had a relationship or that she had any feelings for me at all.  It is difficult to wrap your head around this.

[steve195915]

A very knowledgeable group here.  We all know they can walk away and show remorse and act like your relationship meant absolutely nothing to them.  In addition, they usually will contact you again and may want you back if you may meet some of their needs in the future (money, companionship when their next relationship fails) want you back eventually.  And the cycle will repeat. 

[Jazzy]

Mine did the same . Walked away without an iota of guilt or remorse after 6 years. It is sad that I found out about BPD only after I went through the worst time in my life. I got to know I had been replaced over the phone. Then he threw me out of his life. One moment he was pledging eternal love for me. The next moment I did not exist for him.

[enlighten me]

It all depends on the individual and if they have other co morbid disorders.

Some will leave and never look back. You become nothing to them and they get on with their life as if you never existed.

Others will leave as they can no longer continue the relationship and act as if you meant nothing but underneath are going through the same pain we suffer.

The best way to understand what they may be feeling is to look back at what they said about their exs. If they never mentioned them then you are probably dead to them. If they used to mention them then you probably still mean something to them but they just cant be with you. You are now a trigger to them.

[burritoman]

It all depends on the individual and if they have other co morbid disorders.

Some will leave and never look back. You become nothing to them and they get on with their life as if you never existed.

Others will leave as they can no longer continue the relationship and act as if you meant nothing but underneath are going through the same pain we suffer.

The best way to understand what they may be feeling is to look back at what they said about their exs. If they never mentioned them then you are probably dead to them. If they used to mention them then you probably still mean something to them but they just cant be with you. You are now a trigger to them.

What if they seem to be acting in more of a phase? That being, they still have strong ties to you but you're without contact? Especially when they usually cut exes out for good (but still talk about them).

[enlighten me]

My exgf has cut all her exs out of her life ( I was the only one that she ever recycled and that was over twenty years between first going out with her). She still reminisces about them though. To me this just shows that she had feelings for them but the reality is it could never work out. Its the same as some here dwell on their exs. They know the relationship will never work but miss the good bits when it was oh so wonderful.

[burritoman]

My exgf has cut all her exs out of her life ( I was the only one that she ever recycled and that was over twenty years between first going out with her). She still reminisces about them though. To me this just shows that she had feelings for them but the reality is it could never work out. Its the same as some here dwell on their exs. They know the relationship will never work but miss the good bits when it was oh so wonderful.

Ah I see. Mine seems to be keeping me in more of a limbo state. Still has strong ties to me (possessions, friends, etc.) and we've been in NC for 6 weeks. Difficult to see the long term with this one.

[enlighten me]

She is probably in limbo herself. Torn between the fantasy of what was and the reality of what could never be. She knows how she is. She probably realises she has done things. She will also feel that you have done things. She has probably lost trust in you and from that there really is no going back.

[C.Stein]

She has probably lost trust in you and from that there really is no going back.

Lost trust in the supply of positive validation? 

[enlighten me]

She has probably lost trust in you and from that there really is no going back.

Lost trust in the supply of positive validation? 

In the beginning we are all possibilities to a pwBPD. As time goes by little things show our flaws. If we are late or cant meet up then we are unreliable. Little white lies that where meant to protect them are seen that we are liars an untrustworthy. The more we show these flaws the less they trust us. Our validation means nothing. The damage is done. Played over and over in their heads and magnified.

[burritoman]

She has probably lost trust in you and from that there really is no going back.

Lost trust in the supply of positive validation? 

In the beginning we are all possibilities to a pwBPD. As time goes by little things show our flaws. If we are late or cant meet up then we are unreliable. Little white lies that where meant to protect them are seen that we are liars an untrustworthy. The more we show these flaws the less they trust us. Our validation means nothing. The damage is done. Played over and over in their heads and magnified.

A valid point, but I can't help but think this varies with each person.

[enlighten me]

Burritoman yes it does depend on the individual. We are all different and have different experiences and inbuilt traits that influence our behaviour.

As BPD is a spectrum disorder from mild to full blown (for want of a professional way of putting it) then some things will differ. It may take longer to devalue someone or the fear of abandonment may hold back the urges. So my last post was a generalisation based on what Ive experienced and read from a non and a BPD perspective.

[cavalier]

Hi going back to an old thread about exe's coming back, one member responded that -"if you are a trigger" they will not come back... .
  May i ask then  that aren't most situations  sometimes taken as a 'trigger ' from one who suffers from BPD? And I thought it was suggested that even if a spouse is a trigger is the person with BPD not wanting the comfort zone that they feel accustomed to?