Hi Notwendy
My next boundary with her is to not discuss my father. Just not- hang up if she brings up the topic.
I think this is a very good boundary
She can say whatever she wants to say, you can't control that but you can control your own behavior and how you respond to her when she starts talking about your father and saying those cruel things.
She used him to punish me when he was alive and now she's trying to do that again.
In what ways did she use your father to punish you when he was alive? Or should I say, in what ways did your father allow himself to be used by your mother to punish you when he was alive?
She's been sending super sweet and flattering texts since her latest emotional "vomit" of mean things. I am just not engaging- and sending short messages " thank you" and then letting it go. What I want to do is call her and yell the heck at her, but I know that would just fan the drama flames and let her know she was able to push my emotional buttons.
Yeah I can definitely understand the urge to let her have it so to speak, but knowing what you know about her, not responding or using a BIFF response is probably a better option indeed.
It is also sad that he went along with it. I can't help but wonder why he did. He was a good person and I know he loved his kids, but he'd turn on us in an instant if she was upset with us.
... .
It is harder trying to understand how she had such an influence on my father.
The thing here I think is perhaps not so much how your mother had such an influence on your father, but more importantly why your father let himself be so influenced by your mother. He was an adult and despite of the love he felt for you kids, in certain ways he also emotionally and spiritually seemed abandoned you by behaving the way he did. Looking back at your memories of your father, can you identify any characteristics he had that could explain how he could let himself be so influenced by your mother and make the choices he made? No matter what your mother did or did not do, your father made his own choices. Him turning on you kids when your mother was upset with you, actually is 100% on him regardless of your mother's behavior.