New to the group

[Muia]

Hi there,

I have finally joined a group hoping to read up on anything that could help with the relationship with my partner.

I have been with my partner for almost 20 years and over that time we have both struggled with mental health problems. I'm in a much better pleace myself (having suffered with depression in my early twenties) but with my enhanced self awareness and experiences, I'm pretty sure my partner has BPD. I still love him no matter what and try not to judge him and he is finally getting some help. It has taken a lot of persuasion and dramatic events to occur, but he is now on medication which has helped balance his moods and deal with stress easier. The next step is for counselling of some sort, but the NHS won't even try and diagnose (just tarring him with the depression brush) so it's only from my research and me talking with my partner and acknowleding how his behaviours are similar to BPD, that he may have a high functioning form of BPD. Do you need a formal diagnosis to get the correct treatment? We seem to be offered basic courses on the NHS but these seem to be tailored towards the generally depressed or stressed. I'm sure these will help somewhat.

I try to empathise and listen, even though some things he says can be so irrational and so unlike him in his normal frame of mind. I have started to walk away from arguments and try to stay calm (which is extemely challenging!) and asked him to talk when he calms down. This does seem to help, but it's almost like I have to unlearn my own reactions and not take things to heart. In a weird way this is strengthening my personality.

I struggle to be consistent when I'm suffering PMS, as my personality changes so I have a lot less patience and much more irritability. We even found a pattern between our big fall outs and the time of the month. This is an added challenge but I do all I can to help myself too.

Anyway, we are on a positive track at the moment but any advice would be much appreciated.

Thanks for reading.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome to the board, Muia ,

I'm not sure how NHS works but if your SO is willing to be in counseling you may be able to talk to the therapist about Dialetical Behavior Therapy. It is a form of therapy that focuses on behavior more than the chemical component of mental illness. BPD does not officially have any specific medication to help. In some people mood stabilizing, depression, or anxiety medications can help relieve some of the symptoms that come with BPD, but it will not fix it. Many people with BPD refuse any type of counseling.

A diagnosis isn't needed though for you to begin looking at your role in the relationship. A lot of times us nons say or do things that trigger our pwBPD. Not that how they treat us is our fault, but we can contribute to things, such as being invalidating, apologizing for thing we did wrong when we really didn't do anything, etc. There are a lot of resources on the right side of the page that can help you begin to communicate better with your pwBPD.

[Coconut2017]

Not sure where in UK you are based but there is only one place in London where they do apply DBT, which then again is not a cure but a management strategy. I am pretty sure that is not available through NHS.

The only solution in your case would be to find a counsellor who has knowledge and experience and experience wit BPD as well as your own research on learning how to help/cope.