What to do?

[Karmajoy]

I can't live with him anymore. It's killing me. We've been together 27 years and both kids will be off to college next month.  I met my therapist in February who told me right away that he's borderline and I'm PTSD. Since then I have been paralyzed with depression because I guess before this, there was always a glimmer of hope. Having become a person who has read "everything" there is to know on BPD, I see him for who he is, and it's very scary.  My grandfather and father were borderlines, so I know the abuse very well. They were ragers and my husband wasn't until fairly recently. Had he not masked his behavior with a calm, cold demeanor, I would have recognized it and run. I knew there was something about him I really did't like (I didn't think he was a nice person) but I married him anyway. Something was familiar... .

He's very cold and angry, always. I called him Jack Frost (and I am Carmella Soprano) in another post. I've tried to leave him many times and his response has always been to say that we can't afford it (though we have a lot of money), we won't be able to retire early, etc.  The excuse, even in the last six years since he's flipped from being a passive-aggressive quiet BPD to a raging one and threatened divorce about 20 times, only to recant has been the money. He's also become quite powerful in his job, and like our president, I wonder if all of this power hasn't made him more out of control. This, perhaps middle age and maybe knowing that his ongoing emotional abuse has to end at some point. I told him in January that if he raised his voice to me one more time, I'd call the cops. It worked but now he just seethes inside or oozes hatred for me.  Lately his rage has gotten him into a bit of trouble at work, though he always justifies it to me.

I've researched, something I'll be glad to give up, marriage for financial reasons for middle aged people and I've suggested we stay married but live in separate homes. We could sell this house and buy two smaller ones, he could buy me out and I could go buy something, etc. NO solution I ever give satisfies him but he also offers no improvement. He just abides by my ever growing boundaries; no raging, separate bedrooms, and then my silent boundaries; no idle discussion, sometimes no discussion at all, avoiding each other, etc.

I am going to call a law firm tomorrow. The lawyer I saw for the free consult in January is no longer there. My first inclination is to end this nightmare and go right for the divorce. We started the process of divorce mediation last year and were actually told not to come back because we kept scheduling and cancelling. The receptionist told me that I needed a lawyer because he'd back out and they'd be stuck without getting paid! A divorce lawyer will cost and of course I'll be on pins and needles, hoping to get my alimony. If this person isn't sharp, he'll run circles around her.  He's brilliant and bargains for a living.  I need a bulldog for a lawyer and I can't be guaranteed to get one. The divorce will be hell.  He probably won't move out, he'll turn the kids against me and I will be a wreck but if I start the process, I will have a divorce within a year's time or so. 

The other option would involve collaborating with him, which so far, he's refused to do.  I could have him move out (in theory) and have a post-nuptial agreement, which basically divides all of our assets up and creates a legal documents stating how we'd divide things, in the case of a divorce. It would provide security for both of us.  He would get to keep his money in our "marriage" and avoid the lawyer's fees, etc. and I would get him to move out.  This option would be less of a shock to him, but so far, he's not agreed.

I can't move out without buying. I have big dogs and nobody would rent to me. I could buy a property behind his back, but this would mean holding down two mortgages and buying the cheapest thing I could find in a potentially bad neighborhood.

My approach would be the divorce and be done.  I am vomiting at how he'll respond.  Should I present the options one more time? Why is it his choice? I feel like I am asking permission. I also feel like if I just divorce him, I'm giving him control of my life and my kids' happiness and potential for him to lose it at work.  Rip off the bandaid or will he take the bait to slowly tear it off? 

[formflier]

Why not continue to add boundaries and build the lift you want?  It seems that your boundaries are working.

There is not an option I am aware of of a "non" using boundaries and the pwBPD "liking" them.

Let him seethe...

Let yourself enjoy life.

I think when you really work through and understand what boundaries are about... .and how to "properly" do them... .you can have a much calmer and enjoyable life, because you and your boundaries are in charge... .not the rages.

FF

[Karmajoy]

I told him I didn't want to be married to him any longer. He  said that was fine and he'd sign the paperwork and then told me his therapist said.he doesn't need to be a victim to my lecturing of what a horrible person he is but if I don't want his support and want a divorce that I should go ahead and file and he'll sign the papers.

It was a nice 2 minute chat. I taped it which he doesn't know and which won't matter.

Later I said I wanted to take turns driving our college so. To his apartment and not get trapped in the car with him on the way home because he often takes this time to rage at me. He said he only does it. Excise I start it.  He refused to share the driving and said he wants to see our son as well. I said he brings him down from the station. And so he does. He said if I want to see my son, I'll have to drive in the car with him. Exerting control, splitting... .I can bring headphone, tape the conversation and let him know. He stops talking when I do that and also tell him that I am taping and if he raises my voice, I will call the cops and ha e them waiting st the house when we get home.  And so the saga begins... .

[formflier]

Is your goal to end the marriage?

If so, how does introducing threats of exercising power over him with cops help that goal?

Since there are children involved... .are you going to try and maintain a civil relationship with him? 

I'm just getting started understanding your story.  As you well know, the stories involved in BPDish relationships are complicated.

Yet... .there are relationship truths and "truths" of dealing with pwBPD that transcend the complication.

Threatening any kind of action is almost always ineffective and usually counterproductive in moving a relationship to a healthier place.  This is true in married and divorce relationships.

Much much better to "do" boundaries than to threaten them.   Much much better to do your own boundary enforcement, such as leave an argument, than to have third parties (such as police) enforce your boundaries.

There are times when a 911 call is appropriate. 

To be completely frank with you, involving or threatening involvement of police to control another persons tone or volume of voice is very likely to drive (cause) more dysfunctional dynamic, rather than take any relationship to a better place.

If you don't like someone's tone of voice... .be responsible for what you control... .your own ears... .and take your ears elsewhere. 

The simpler the boundary enforcement the better the outcome.

I'm interested in your thoughts on the view of boundary enforcement that I've laid out here.

   

FF

[Karmajoy]

I have wanted to end the marriage before it even began. I never really liked him. Unlike people here who love them and find endearing qualities in their mates, I have not. He's been extremely controlling, verbally abuse every, withheld sex and affection. The threat of the. Ops came after years of running, hiding from him. My therapist agreed that this was a good choice and it did stop the raging.

He is a very, very angry man and he is increasingly angry with jos mother, me and at work. He's losing a lot of control. I actually think it would be good for him to get away from me and be able to unwind. This is also the man who has been displaying acts of cover incest with my daughter, 18, by having her sleep in his bed, even though I've asked, screamed an shamed him not to do this. I am concerned that she will have trouble in intimate relationships in the same way that his mother did to him. Non-sexual.

We've been together 27 years. The cops boundary because I said that if he raged, I would call the cops, is justified, given the reign of terror that he's displayed.

I have tried to divorce him a few times but he's played dirty. I am hoping this one sticks, for both of us. We need to get away from each other.

[formflier]

  The cops boundary because I said that if he raged, I would call the cops, is justified, given the reign of terror that he's displayed.
 

How many times have the cops been called?  What was the result.

Perhaps I'm missing something.

I have tried to divorce him a few times but he's played dirty. 

How do his actions (even dirty ones) prevent you from divorcing him?  My understanding is that a divorce doesn't take participation of the other party.  Certainly it helps.

In other words, it takes two people making a decision to stay together... .to stay together.

It only takes one person to decide to end a marriage.

I'm so sorry you are hurting right now and for what you have gone through.  Hopefully we can clarify the story a bit and help you on your way to a more stable place.

 

FF