ExBPD Survivors...What do you notice yourself do in new relationships?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

For me it's the amazing feeling of not being judged about any little thing you can think of. I've caught myself internally a few times scrambling for something, to say something, to appease yet there's been no judging just mutual respect and feelings(wow its out there!). It's weird sometimes like a fish out of water but refreshing.

[pest947]

For me it's the amazing feeling of not being judged about any little thing you can think of. I've caught myself internally a few times scrambling for something, to say something, to appease yet there's been no judging just mutual respect and feelings(wow its out there!). It's weird sometimes like a fish out of water but refreshing.

[once removed]

i was needy and over pursued. a little too eager for commitment, and afraid of being hurt again.

[Rev]

I am now more intentional in making sure I don't assume that I have been understood - and I am now more intentional in making sure I have understood.  If I have been misunderstood, I ask for a second chance to explain. If I have misunderstood, I ask her to explain again.

If I am not heard a second time, then maybe I try a third but by now I am drawing a boundary. If she gets frustrated in telling me again. I back off.

My ex used to mess with me in this dynamic and it ended up moving me off my game.

Thanks for this.

Rev

[jojo8786]

I'm still in the midst of figuring out what I want to do in my current situation. But what I will say is that in the past I've constantly been needy and yearning to find a partner so I can feel loved. I do have a lot of codependent issues that I have to deal with, as well as my own feelings of abandonment. I carry a lot of those issues into relationships I've noticed, but now since seeking help I'm being more mindful of my own issues.

I think self awareness could be the biggest key to understanding how to move forward with new relationships. I'm advocating for everyone in my life as well as anyone on this board to seek out a therapist if possible.

If you're dealing with your own trauma studying up on codependency and CPTSD could also be helpful.

[PeteWitsend]

I've noticed a couple things:

- struggling to trust again - early in my relationship w/BPDxw, she would use the threat of "other guys" to try to get me to conform to what she wanted.  Like wanted me to feel that she'd leave me or cheat on me the second her needs weren't being met.

Her "all is fair in love and war" attitude here permanently affected my ability to trust her.  although, given how dishonest she was in other aspects of our relationship, that was probably inevitable.

This has made me overly concerned when the person in my new relationship has gone out with friends overnight, or in a different city.  I have to remind myself to trust her until she gives me a reason not to.

(It's a little one-sided too, since I have kids and she doesn't; she'll have more nights out, while I'm home with my kids.)

- self censoring - have had to learn I can be open about things, like speaking to or going to lunch with coworkers or out for drinks after work.

Having to hide this normal behavior due to XW frequently and baselessly accusing me of having affairs on her definitely made me less likely to open up about it, but keeping it on the DL with a partner who is honest and open could cause different trust issues, if she wonders why I wasn't open about it.