I guess the time has come to introduce myself here...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I was a frequent poster on conflicted/deciding until my relationship ended in mid-May after my expwBPD put his fist through a wall and threatened me physically.

I had known that I would likely end up here for MONTHS. There were so many things that I knew would ultimately make the relationship's success unlikely. And yet, I have never known anyone to whom I felt more connected when things were good. And THAT kept me from being able to walk away. Well, that connection, and the close relationship that  I built with his 9 year old son.

I keep expecting for the pain to ease. I make lists. List after list where I detail every argument, every hurtful word, every time I felt physically unsafe, every time I was villainized and split black, each time I was made to question if *I* was the crazy one. He certainly told me that often enough. I pull these out and read them frequently. And yet I go into the world each day barely able to go through the motions. I see the restaurants we ate at, the park I used to take his son to, I run the routes we used to run together because they're the only ones I know, and all these reminders are almost getting harder with the passage of time. I find myself avoiding certain topics of discussion with people because they were the things that WE used to enjoy discussing. I'll see an article or meme that I would have shared with him or his son and it guts me. It's all of the little life details that have made moving forward seem impossible. I have become a shadow of my former self. All I want to do is sit around and cry.

If it weren't for the fact that I have children that I need to be at least minimally functional for I'm afraid of where I would be.

Sorry, nothing cheerful or hopeful here - not today. But it's nice to meet all of you - I'm grateful I'm not alone.

[Lalathegreat]

I was a frequent poster on conflicted/deciding until my relationship ended in mid-May after my expwBPD put his fist through a wall and threatened me physically.

I had known that I would likely end up here for MONTHS. There were so many things that I knew would ultimately make the relationship's success unlikely. And yet, I have never known anyone to whom I felt more connected when things were good. And THAT kept me from being able to walk away. Well, that connection, and the close relationship that  I built with his 9 year old son.

I keep expecting for the pain to ease. I make lists. List after list where I detail every argument, every hurtful word, every time I felt physically unsafe, every time I was villainized and split black, each time I was made to question if *I* was the crazy one. He certainly told me that often enough. I pull these out and read them frequently. And yet I go into the world each day barely able to go through the motions. I see the restaurants we ate at, the park I used to take his son to, I run the routes we used to run together because they're the only ones I know, and all these reminders are almost getting harder with the passage of time. I find myself avoiding certain topics of discussion with people because they were the things that WE used to enjoy discussing. I'll see an article or meme that I would have shared with him or his son and it guts me. It's all of the little life details that have made moving forward seem impossible. I have become a shadow of my former self. All I want to do is sit around and cry.

If it weren't for the fact that I have children that I need to be at least minimally functional for I'm afraid of where I would be.

Sorry, nothing cheerful or hopeful here - not today. But it's nice to meet all of you - I'm grateful I'm not alone.

[roberto516]

Hey lala welcome to the board. I'm sorry that you experienced what you did. I know what it feels like to hold onto hope for something that you wanted so badly.

You are not alone. Do you know that I cringe inside whenever I hear anyone talk about a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife? My HR boss was just married and came back showing everyone the wedding video. I had to go outside and smoke a cigarette. It's not that people should be extra sensitive or anything. But people don't really know what kind of relationships these are.

I would take solace that you found this place while in the relationships. While you tried to improve it anyway you could. I think it shows that you tried absolutely everything. You aren't alone in the gloom today  

Just know that every step forward is a step forward in the long run. I would like quick results too. I wish tomorrow is the day I just forget it all. But each day that I try and live for me and my wants is a day of improvement. Same for you. Every day that you run a route that reminds you of him, and you persevere you are improving. I could reiterate all your examples but you do get the point  It's the baby steps that, before we know it, have us look up and see we just ran a marathon.

[Keef]

Hey Lalathegreat,

Welcome to the detaching board.

The relationship I was in up until November last year didn't involve kids, but I very much understand the pain you're living through.

Did you end it after the fist went through the wall? I was physically abused last summer by my ex gf, and unfortunately we got back together.

Well, who ended your relationship may not really matter, since you are out now - I am very glad to hear that. When the violence starts it will get worse, trust me and other posters on that (the next time my ex became violent she turned it on herself. That time it was even more terrifying than when she violated me. Violence comes in so many shapes and forms).

You are very fresh out of the relationship, which you would know yourself. The reason I am saying this, is that putting yourself together after such an ordeal takes a long time. When I first got here in November/December I often got to hear that healing isn't a linear journey, and although I sensed this I didn't understand how tricky that journey is. I sincerely don't mean to put you off in my saying this, I just want to emphasize the importance of your being kind to yourself. As kind as possible.

Surround yourself with people you trust. After this turbulence I'm sure you have developed better tools to separate the positive influences in your life from the negative ones. Or, you sooner or later will know these tools.

I'm not too cheerful right now either, having a weird and lonely June. I just wanted to say that it will get better, please savour those moments.

Best wishes,
Keef

[Emotions]

Lala what has helped me in time, is focusing on how the relationship ACTUALLY was. Not what I wanted it to be, and all the memories we had, but how my ex made me feel. It felt good to love my ex as much as I loved her, but thinking about her returning the feeling I get a road block in my memories... .its almost like I am trying to convince myself that the feelings of love and happiness I felt were because my ex were giving them to me. However, I believe the feelings of joy and admiration were actually inside myself, and I gave them to her, and it felt good to feel this way about someone. I still have those feelings inside me, and I am giving them to myself and anyone else (family friends co workers, strangers) who will receive them with care and genuinely appreciate them. Did your ex give you hugs, and say pleasant things to you for no reason? I bet you did for him. You are the same person now that you always have been, just drained and with less energy... .Time to give the care and energy you used to spend on your ex to yourself now... .as time goes by (slowly) you will reap the rewards of the love you have inside yourself, and it will be his loss, your gain. Keep your head above water and trust in the goodness of life and in yourself. Time will heal eventually, don't give up!

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear LaLa-
I want to join our other friends in welcoming you to the Detaching Board.  I remember when that frightening morning happened with the fist through the door.  I was so scared for you.  I am really proud of your strength, and so deeply sorry for your pain.

There are some good articles on Detaching to assist you, and wonderful people to give you support along this healing journey.  Little by little you'll get yourself back.  You know you never need to pretend here.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Harley Quinn]

Hi lala and welcome to the board  

I'm sorry to hear of your daily struggle.  We've all been there.  It's early days yet so it will get easier.  I understand what it is like to feel surrounded by reminders and gradually you will begin to overcome this.  When you do you will feel such relief.  All I can say right now is it does take time however I applaud you for not hiding away from doing anything at all.  Sometimes facing these things, much as roberto has said, is the best way to dispel those demons.  

I keep expecting for the pain to ease. I make lists. List after list where I detail every argument, every hurtful word, every time I felt physically unsafe, every time I was villainized and split black, each time I was made to question if *I* was the crazy one. He certainly told me that often enough. I pull these out and read them frequently.

Writing down is a great way to get things out.  Perhaps re reading might be keeping it all a bit fresh though?  Maybe try to go without referring to your lists for a few days and see if you feel any differently.  Like I say, it is only a short time since your split and you are going through the early stages of what's effectively a grieving process, so don't be too hard on yourself if you aren't seeing rapid results.  I know all too well how all consuming those feelings can be.  Try to be kind to yourself right now and listen to your body, then give it what it is asking for.  If that be rest, a brisk walk, indulging in something nice to eat, don't deny yourself.  Physical well being will support your emotional well being so take good care of yourself.  Also, keep posting and sharing.  

Love and light x

[patientandclear]

Lala--just dropping in quickly to say: it can take a long time. For me, it takes about a year to feel more or less OK after each round of re-engagement with my ex (a cycle I'm not planning to repeat). These are big losses and at some level they don't make sense, which makes acceptance harder.

For me, it is useful to give myself permission to feel bad and sad for as long as it takes. Also useful: setting aside time each day to focus on the sadness can make it a little easier to break free of it the rest of the day. And for me, saying outloud to myself from time to time that "it makes sense that you are hurting this much; you experienced a great loss and a deep wound," is helpful. This mattered a lot to you, and it ended in a way that feels wrong. Recovery from that takes a long while and is slower and more imperceptible than we would like.