Any nons ever get violent?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Have any of us ever been violent? As time goes on I start to see my relationship with clearer vision... .I consider myself a peaceful person, and dislike physical violence... .truth be told I was pushed over my limit a couple times... .lack of sleep, constant harangueing (days at a time)... .my ex would scream at the top of her lungs, punched holes in my walls, tv. One time I remember putting my hands on her neck, I didn't squeeze but I remember they were there, and as I was crying I yelled stop it I can't take this anymore... .one other time I did slap her with the tips of my fingers no bruise or anything on her, and it wasn't that hard because I love her and was trying to snap her out of her psychosis... .it is hard to admit because I don't like that I did these things, but now that time has passed I wish I never did, but feel I was pushed to my limit by her actions, I loved love her very much. I hate that i did this and I'm not proud, just being honest, and wondering if this has happened to anyone else here?

[Emotions]

Have any of us ever been violent? As time goes on I start to see my relationship with clearer vision... .I consider myself a peaceful person, and dislike physical violence... .truth be told I was pushed over my limit a couple times... .lack of sleep, constant harangueing (days at a time)... .my ex would scream at the top of her lungs, punched holes in my walls, tv. One time I remember putting my hands on her neck, I didn't squeeze but I remember they were there, and as I was crying I yelled stop it I can't take this anymore... .one other time I did slap her with the tips of my fingers no bruise or anything on her, and it wasn't that hard because I love her and was trying to snap her out of her psychosis... .it is hard to admit because I don't like that I did these things, but now that time has passed I wish I never did, but feel I was pushed to my limit by her actions, I loved love her very much. I hate that i did this and I'm not proud, just being honest, and wondering if this has happened to anyone else here?

[roberto516]

With the most recent one there were times I really had to pull myself back. I don't think I ever consciously thought about doing it but one time I was leaving and she told me to take everything with me but I didn't want to take certain stuff. She followed me down the steps with the bag and kept putting it to my face with this smirk on her face. I remember I grabbed the bag very violently off her. I feel like she was almost pushing me to do something like that.

In my first ever relationship with a BPD I did. She had hit me on a couple occasions (actually battered me would probably be the word). One night we went our drinking and I was trying to leave after we got back to her place. She grabbed my finger and bit it. I literally blacked out. Apparently I backhanded her across the face. I just remember coming to as I was walking out of the house. She called the cops. They were ready to take me in but thankfully a female office arrived too and seemed to be a little more aware of the situation because we were both bleeding. She took me home. If it was just the male cops I would have been arrested for sure.  

I also felt like I was pushed to my limits on a lot of things. Trying to communicate and being met with silence or just a smirk or this demeaning tone of voice. And then she wondered why I wanted to go home after seeing her do that. The complete dismissal of feelings is not something people should have to deal with from someone they care about. And if they do then some type of reconciliation understanding should come from it. Not me apologizing to her for being angry and promising to work on not doing it again. Geez... .the more you write out this stuff the more you realize what kind of relationship you were really in.

[once removed]

some statistics and members thoughts: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=240171.0;viewResults

[Emotions]

Yeah it sucks to see some of these realities come out... .I am going for a run, because this was hard to admit to myself and writing it out was just as hard... .I wish I never did that because I am hard on myself, and wonder what if? But she hit me a few times (with rings on) the screaming, she would bang her head on the wall over and over, I felt like I was losing it... .obviously I could have left the house and as I have learned about BPD the last year, I would have done things differently. The last 2 years I naturally started to do things differently for self preservation, like leave the house or "ignore" her as best I could, and I believe that is when she started to discard and devalue me... .we had 4 or five good years (lots of chaos however) she got arrested twice, stealing once, and caught with weed, but her anger wasnt directed at me. she was a cutter when I first met her, and she stopped that after a couple months of us being together. She ran off many times, and had psychotic break downs, but aimed them at her past... .it wasn't until the devalue that her tone and looks changed towards me, and almost constant put downs, and instead of listening to me, it seemed like she knew everything, and when I would talk she would demean it, or say something nasty... .I just wish things worked out differently. As long as I pay attention to goodness and patience and virtue, I will avoid putting myself in these situations in the future. It hurts me to think I did this, and I believe I have learned from this experience, and feel bad for all who have been through it. Including my ex. I wish I could have hugged her instead, Which i did many times when she was shouting... .I would hug her and kiss her and say I still love you when you shout and I want you to feel better... .sometimes that helped... .oh well live and learn, thanks for letting me share... .peace love and virtue be with us today

[once removed]

Yeah it sucks to see some of these realities come out... .I am going for a run, because this was hard to admit to myself and writing it out was just as hard...

its really sobering stuff and it is hard to face. its what we are here to do and i commend you for digging deep.

[Alice1]

just last Sat he my partner started screaming at me in his truck over how he didn't like my tone of voice before Iwe left the house. I had gotten a bag for snacks and packed two coolers. he came with a bag and i said I already got a bag. then he asked about the second small cooler. i replied there was not enough room in the first. Well, it seemed ok until 10 -or so minutes later he erupted! Screaming at me in the truck, on the side of the road with our dogs. I had no escape! he fstarted driving again after 10 or so minutes still grumbling and ranting. another 5 - 10 minutes BAM! "I cannot even get free sex from you" What the heck? I flipped trying to get him to calm down and listen, he kept going on and on how horrible i am in how I treat him. i lost it, got in his face with my fist (this is in a Walgreen's parking lot), he was like " go on' i stopped realizing violence is not me and, anyway, he would be the winner if i struck him. he continued screaming and would not bring me home when I asked to because, as i told him, "I am leaving you today". He refused to leave, I threatened to call police which seemed to calm/wake him up. Many worthless, emotion-filled conversations later; i still haven't left. Don't want to totally snap.

We nons just have to remember we have ourselves and the BPDs words really should not destroy us. But IT IS SO TIRING! I a a teacher and not looking forward to time off due to him.

[chillamom]

As long as we're owning up to things…... yes, I was pushed to my limit a few times and slapped him across the face, once after a 12 hour interrogation about unfounded accusations of infidelity when I had  literally been screamed at from 11 p.m. to around noon the next day, and once I slapped his arm after another round of baseless accusations over the course of an entire weekend during which I wasn't allowed to sleep or leave the house.  I would call it reactive on my part.

[once removed]

i think we need to take caution in justifying our actions.

these were volatile relationships, no doubt, and we were all tested. no one forced us to remain in the relationship after it devolved to this point.

[Emotions]

Thank you for sharing Roberto Alice chilla mom and once... .i appreciate that you shared and sympathize with me, and I'm sure we would all have rathered a hug and a kiss or dance than the yelling or fighting... .I know I would have, but the truth will set us free, and I don't believe we are justifying anything, just explaining what went on... .it may seem like justifying because we are trying to figure out what pushed us to these limits to better understand ourselves and the relationship... .peace love and virtue be with us all... .

[tryingsome]

Haven't posted in a while (been pretty good), but I thought it might be a worthwhile topic.

I do admit to being violent one time. In essence I pushed back my significant other after she slapped me. Though now, the story has morphed over the years from a simple push, to a push where I hurt her neck, to where I punched her and she fell on the ground, to the latest I punched her while holding our child and she fell to the ground. Regardless of the story, neither here or there, I do regret those actions though I was fully cognizant of my action during that time.

Mostly, it was derived for an overly sense of fairness. And while that can be a good quality at times when applied to an ex wBPD it can be a little over the top. I remember thinking why does she always do this; what I have tried before never worked (this was the second time), if I push her back will she get the message and understand my point of view. Well that ended badly, as well as it should.

What I learned about myself and growth afterwards is you can't apply your own morality (fairness) to others. Be the example of morality for yourself. If they don't exhibit the same qualities, realize they are their own person. And if there behavior is a boundary for you, then step away and perhaps end the relationship. You can't force someone to be nice; or as well as someone to like you.

[HelenaHandbasket]

Don't have any wisdom to add here--just want to say I think you guys are really brave to talk about this. It's always hard to look at our own behavior with a critical eye.   

[JaxWest]

I never got there, but I have never had my blood boil the way I did with my last conversation with the BPD. I am not a violent person, but if a guy would have treated me the way she did during the last conversation, I would have taken a swing.

[chillamom]

It is indeed difficult to look at ourselves in terms of this behavior, and I am really ashamed that I allowed myself to be pushed to the point where I slapped this guy…very very wrong and one of the things I am looking at in therapy is my own anger, which I never understood I even harbored.  I'm typically a major pacifist - even teach a college class in conflict negotiation and resolution - but apparently my skills were nowhere near strong enough to cope effectively with him. They still aren't.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Emotions,

I defended myself from an attack once, where we ended up full on fighting.  I gave as good as I got.  It started when I was sitting at the top of the stairs, as I was about to take a shower.  He had himself worked up into a state and was pacing at the bottom of the stairs, so I gently suggested he go take a walk and he might feel better.  At this, he launched himself up the stairs at speed and was coming for me with the look of a demon in his eye.  I was under no illusion.  He'd been violent before.  I knew what was coming and at the top of the stairs it couldn't be good.  So for the first and only time I went to protect myself.  Instinctively my legs went out to try to hold him back.  This angered him, as he decided I was trying to kick him down the stairs.  So his verbal response was 'you can't get me down these stairs, I'll throw YOU down - I'm stronger than you!'  I wasn't sitting around and waiting for this to happen so I grabbed hold of the turnpost at the top and hung on for dear life, as I used all my strength to drag myself out of his grasp and around onto the safety of the landing behind the wooden banister.  He wasn't for quitting and kept coming back at me.  I don't remember much about what happened - it was a bit of a blur.  All I know is in my head I was in self preservation mode and knew there was a serious risk of harm by being anywhere near the top of that steep staircase, so for every grab/lunge/strike I would kick out or use my arms to defend myself and try to get myself as far away from that starting point as possible.  I ended up right outside my bedroom door at the end of the landing.  He was still bearing down on me and suddenly something fell as he pushed me against a cabinet and whatever fell hit me.  It seemed to break his state and wake him up.  He finally stood up and backed away looking shocked.  I was covered in bruises following this fight.  I think he must have felt some too. 

I'm not proud, however neither would I have done anything differently if I faced the situation again.  There comes a point where fighting back is necessary. 

The reason I'm sharing this is not because I think it's the same situation in a literal sense, however, your body is designed to have certain responses naturally when you perceive a threat.  The threat was real on this occasion for me, however we all go into fight or flight response through many other triggers.  In other words we all have our own breaking points.  What you did is not what you would choose to do and you know in yourself you wouldn't wish to repeat this.  If you could take it back you would.  It may be something you wish to explore for your own peace of mind when you feel ready, to look at your breaking points and see what you can do in preparation of these arising in the future so you're better prepared.  At some stage you need to forgive yourself though.  We all make mistakes and that's OK, as long as we learn from and don't repeat them.

Love and light x   

[StayStrongNow]

In 2015 I was physically beaten on three separate occasions twice in front of my three young children by my uxBPDw that included punching, kicking, and throwing objects. The first time besides the kids witnessing the x hitting me, the uxBPDmil watched and said nothing to stop her daughter.  The x punched me enough to cause an open wound and an arrest and conviction for domestic battery. The other times I could have had her arrested but the kids already went through enough with DCFS investigations and other arrests on other occasions for public intoxication and another separate incident of child endangerment for leaving my children at a park.

Why didn't I fight back? First I just do not have it in me to hit a woman, I had a good upbringing and that was never to be done.  Another thing I have had enough physical altercations with guys growing up that I gained a certain toughness that would in my mind would be unthinkable to use against a woman. Later in life I practiced in the martial arts and became ranked. On these occasions of attacks by the x, these hits were formidable, she was quick and strong but I would cover up and deflect using martial art pivoting techniques. Despite all my fancy footwork she did manage to crack my ribs once.

The truth also is I was still in the denial stage, even though I was beaten by her and took it, I didn't know about pwBPD until after the last attack so I guess I was just wanting the divorce proceeding to stop. I was hoping we could try reconciling again.

Things now have changed, she is a pwBPD. I don't love her, I can't stand her and now I find myself hoping she marries the third replacement since we split. Seems like a nice guy, he will end up going through the same stages I did but heck, I can at least stop those maintenance payments and she can keep on paying me child support.

I still am glad I refrained from physical retribution. I can inflict severe damage on an attacker and despite everything, doing any damage would cause irreversible damage to my conscience. I also have moved closer to my God who has blessed me now after a long wait for His grace.

[Aesir]

I was never violent. I'm really not a violent person even though my ex accused me of... .thinking about it. She said I looked as if I was going to hit her once. That made no sense to me at all. I DID tell her that between the both of us she was more likely to become violent than me.

[kentavr3]

this is called provocation of violence. BPD provoke us for violent movements. First , this is how they attract that type of attention. Second, to say that they are not violent, we are violent ( defending mechanism). The sample is in the book "The Siren's dance".

[Helplessly]

Does giving myself a black eye count?

It happened. I was so frustrated that she wouldn't hear me. Trust me.

Wasn't worth it for a couple of reasons. Mostly that it was permanent ammo for her

But it was an indicator of my masochism and self whipping