Confused about what to do for Father's Day...

[Peacewithin]

Hello, bpdfamily.

This site has been so useful for me in regards to my BPD mother.  Thank you!   

I'm currently feeling confused and anxious about how to handle Father's Day this year.  It's hard to figure out what to write, but here goes... .

About 1.5 years ago, I tried to set a boundary with my BPD mom (for the first time ever)... .it didn't go well, and she decided that we were estranged and created all sorts of drama around how awful she thinks I am.  After attending Co-dependent's Anonymous for a year and learning about BPD, I decided to reach out again this spring.  After a barrage of insults towards me on the phone and by text, we finally had a decent, non-hostile phone call on Mother's Day.  It was short and impersonal... .and I hope it can be a new "normal".  We haven't spoken since, and I do feel extremely hesitant to call her as I don't know what she will be like.  I don't actually want to talk to her... .but I would like a respectful situation, mostly so I can attend future extended family events... .

So, my dad is, I believe co-dependent and an enabler to her.  The last time we spoke was about 1.5 years ago... .he said he wanted to better understand what I was trying to do in regards to my mother (the boundary mentioned above) but then proceeded to try to put her on the phone multiple times.  She had been listening to our entire conversation. Ew. I felt really manipulated by him.  Throughout my life (and with my sisters), he has stayed out of conflicts until my mom pushes him to support her... .then he always takes her side. 

During the 1.5 years, I tried to keep the doors of communication open by sending cards (holidays, bdays) and didn't receive a response, left a message for mom that she never returned, and in November, I texted dad to see if we could schedule a time to talk about finding a resolution.  He didn't respond. 

Given the decent talk with mom, I feel like maybe I should reach out to him again.  I'm afraid of what his response (if there is one) may be.  And, I'm angry with him for manipulating me and not responding to any of my communications.  Oh, and he used to be a hostage negotiator and is wicked smart and tricky with words.  At this point, I'm much less afraid of my mom, after learning more about her (undiagnosed) BPD.  I'm finding, however, that I'm more afraid of my dad, as I don't think he has a PD... .does that make sense?  It's harder for me to know how to hold my own reality with him... .

Thank you all in advance for any insights or empathy you can provide!  I'd guess I'm not the only one on this board with Father's Day jitters.
XO

[Turkish]

I'm sorry that you are going through this... .again.

I'd say that of you reach out to him again,  that you've done all that you can do.  If he chooses not to reach out,  than at least you did.

The ball is in his court,  where it belongs.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey  Peacewithin:  

You indicate it's been 1-1/2 years, since you have been in touch with your father.  I'm thinking that means you didn't have contact with your father for last year's Father's Day.  What have you done for prior Father's Days?

One option would be to send you father a card, via Snail Mail.

My sister became my biggest BPD problem, but my father had BPD traits.  I loved my father, and he had some good qualities, but he was typically critical and grumpy.  The mushy cards in the stores never seemed to fit, and I generally struggled with finding a card that felt genuine. 

I evolved to making my own cards.  I used a little graphic program, called Printshop, and made custom cards.  Sometime, I insert a photo of their dog (or other family photos) and/or clipart that would be relevant to something in the past.  Anyway, it became a custom way to say something positive that I felt and that was appreciated.  For some occasions, with gatherings, I'd make a custom banner.

Anyway, just an option to consider.  You probably want to keep it simple and fairly equal to how you interacted with your mom on Mother's Day.  (Don't want your mom to react to your dad getting something more than she did).  You could just call him, but be prepared in regard to what you might want to say, should you just get voicemail.

If, you might want to try visiting your parents together in the future, an option could be to suggest that you belatedly treat them both to a dinner out (sometime after Father's Day) to celebrate both Father's Day and Mother's Day belatedly.

Just sharing some thoughts.  It's a personal decision and you have to decide what you are up to trying.  As Turkish mentioned, perhaps you might want to make one more try with your father.

[Peacewithin]

Thank you so much, Turkish.  It really helps to be able to vent to an understanding person. 

I have a tendency to take on too much responsibility and to try to force things to happen --- co-dependence.  I appreciate the reminder about letting the ball be in his court. 

It's helpful to Much love for all the support you give to everyone on this site!   

[Peacewithin]

Hi, Naughty Nibbler... .that's an amazing name 

Thank you for asking for clarification... .last year, I actually did send him a Father's Day card (and bday and Christmas) and didn't receive a response.  This was after my mom's response to her Mother's Day card was something along the lines of 'why are you toying with me?'... .to that I left a voice message and didn't receive a response.  (oh, and if it matters, they live 3000 miles away from me... .that's partially on purpose on my end

For me, it's been really freaky how far their reality seems to have departed from mine.  In anticipation of trying to communicate, I have a big fear response as I don't know what will be waiting at the other end.  It's like opening a basket and knowing that inside could be either a snake, a flower or moldy bread.  :-P 

I think that I'll just give a call on Sunday and work to stay casual and grounded... .and to keep it short!  Thank you for the advice to be prepared should I get voice mail. 

Your cards sound lovely, and I like that you found a way to feel genuine and true to yourself.  I'll keep this in mind should it make sense for me in the future!  Have you made one for this Father's Day?

XOXO 

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Peacewithin:

Unfortunately, my father has passed, so no more Father's Day cards to make.  Actually, both of my parent passed within 4 months of each other.  The hospitalizations, sudden health issues, deaths and aftermath are what brought out extreme BPD behaviors in my sister (she split me black).  That is what brought me here, and I was able to put the pieces of the puzzle of family dynamics together. 

Although, my father didn't have enough BPD traits to wear the label, he did have some strong traits.  I discovered that my dad was in the minor league of BPD behaviors, compared to what I endured with my sister.

I hope things go well with the phone call with your father. Go in with low expectations and think through how you might deal with awkward comments.  Perhaps, look at a couple of the lessons within the "Tools Menu", within the large green band at the top of the page. (avoid invalidation and circular arguments)

Let us know how it goes. 

[Peacewithin]

Wow, it sounds like that was a really difficult time, Naughty Nibbler.
I'm sorry for your loss and for the extreme BPD behaviors that affected you.
 

Thank you for the suggestions!  I will check out the tools.
XO

[Peacewithin]

Hi, bpdfamily.

Just an update here.

I left a voice message for my Dad on Father's Day.  He replied with a nice but impersonal email.  Given my recent situation with my parents, this was pretty good.

Btw, I also left a voice message on my BPD Mom's phone but haven't heard back. 

So, I'm trying to stay casual and detached about the outcomes with them... .I'll probably call both again on my Dad's birthday, 7/7. 

Thank you for the help 

[Naughty Nibbler]

I left a voice message for my Dad on Father's Day.  He replied with a nice but impersonal email.  Given my recent situation with my parents, this was pretty good.

So, I'm trying to stay casual and detached about the outcomes with them... .I'll probably call both again on my Dad's birthday, 7/7. 

Hey Peacewithin:

I'm glad it turned out better than expected.    I hope the run continues and your communication on 7-7-17 is at least equal.    Let us know how it goes.  We will be rooting for a good outcome.

[Peacewithin]

Thank you, NaughtyNibbler!