Why is she becoming more beautiful to me

[Helplessly]

And why is this getting more difficult. She's becoming prettier and prettier and at this point I truly believe she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I don't remember feeling this way in the beginning. I thought she was attractive. As the fighting and breakups increased in frequency I started becoming enamored.

It's funny.  When I broke up with her last summer I was just plain done. I didn't stress or obsess.  But in two weeks I reached out for a booty call that wound up being like heroin.  I was hooked

Now I'm convinced that I lost  most beautiful girl in the world.

And I'm ruminating over her moments of clarity regarding the breakup. For a long while she was incoherent when we fought. Raging.  Insulting. When she wanted the break, she was logical

This is a bad day.

[kerbarzorpit]

Hey man, I understand how you feel. It is a cliché but we always want what we do not have. I was convinced staying with her was a poor, not rational, choice a couple of months after the break up. Once I decided to start dating other women at that time, she kept writing to me and I kept answering because it was nice to feel loved, to know that someone cares, to have a back-up, to have hope and because a part of me still loved her. Then, less than a month after her last love e-mail she publicly declared she is in a relationship and that the guy is the love of her life. Facing that situation has been even harder than when we broke up.

We are lured by the things we cannot have. That is the way we are wired. The key is to understand and remember that some things are not meant to be had. Look at her like cocaine, a powerful vigorous drug. There is no one in this world that would not feel awesome after trying it, but we all know it is not healthy. That's it. She may be the most beautiful apple you have ever seen, but she is poisoned and a posioned apple, no matter how carefully you treat it, how efficient you are in trying not to bite it, it will always be a poisoned apple and will never satisfy your hunger, which is true love.

[kentavr3]

you are addicted to the pain. Most of the time you were embedded this pain by your parents. Your ex was just the right person to remind you abut this " comfortable pain".

[panhead67]

Hi Hp,

Jus wanted to identify. This example is extreme, but when I first met my ex, I felt no attraction towards him. He was extremely shy, (social phobia) 6 foot, 129 pounds, with scarring acne and hook nose. My gut instinct told me that he was weird, tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, thought maybe it was because he was so quiet. We started to have conversations, he came out of his shell, and a friendship formed easily.
Why did this person become the most handsome man in the world to me? surely something happens in our brain when our unhealthy bond forms. I'm not really concerned about looks, but I don't even know if I could find a man this skinny again who isn't dying.  Like a child's worn out teddy bear with missing parts, still don't want anyone else.
I will never have all the answers, but never seem to run out of questions. but it is getting better, the letting go. n/c and time away from him enables me to see things more clearly. In the beginning weeks of the discard, I had hours of crying, waking in the middle of the night,finding it hard to breathe.In the mornings upon waking as well. This addiction is so powerful it is physical, emotional, and spiritual.
Processing all these feelings here has been a lifeline, gratitude for this support network.

[lovenature]

It gets worse before it gets better: recovery isn't linear.

The further into devaluation you get the less you can do right, there is still a little idealization here and there though to keep us hooked. Once we are far enough into devaluation we see the opposite of actual reality: a reality where our PWBPD is constantly better than us, and we are constantly not good enough.
Through the combination of idealization turning to devaluation because we got too close and their psychological defences we loose touch with reality and loose ourselves. The pedestal that our PWBPD had us on is now where we put them. Our self worth depends on what our PWBPD thinks about us. Recycles/encounters are so common because the pain of detaching is severe; the further out we get, the clearer things become.

Stay NC, learn all you can, focus on you.