Hello

[Mel1964]

My name is M and I have a 26-year-old daughter whom I believe has borderline personality disorder. I also believe my mother had it as well. I don't even know where to start or what to say at this point.

My daughter was sexually molested by her father during visitation until the age of 4 (when I found out). This began a lifetime of trying to help her. She had severe anxiety and control issues. By the time she was 9 she was cutting herself. By the time she was 16 she was hospitalized for suicidal ideation.  At 19 she moved out on her own, later leaving state and moving to another. At 24 she gave birth to her son, I. Since she gave birth, she has been more volatile. She is bisexual and lives with her girlfriend. She physically assaults this woman and is what I would call a typical abuser. She came home in November of last year and assaulted me. Prior to this I had never seen violent behavior from her, not even as a child. Since this time, I have found out that she has abused every single woman she has been involved with, both physical and mental. I was a single mother and she never saw any physical abuse in our home. She was never even spanked as a child. Nor was there screaming or name calling or anything like she is exhibiting. Our life wasn't perfect by any stretch but she was not exposed to any of that while growing up. I'm afraid she is going to kill someone. After she assaulted me in November, I was not allowed to have contact with my grandson for about 4 or 5 months (we FaceTime). A couple of days ago, she went another rampage and her girlfriend called me. I tried talking to my daughter and at first she said I didn't know what I was talking about and then when I told her I knew she had hit K, she hung up on me. I later got a message I was again being blocked and not to contact her or K. So, once again, I am not allowed to see my grandson.  I see the handwriting on the wall, and I am worried that Social Service is going to get involved and take I out of the home.  Since I am in a different state, I don't even know if I would know about it. I am sick. At this point, as awful as it is to say, I don't care if she speaks to me or not. I'm exhausted. But it is the baby I worry about. Her girlfriend is the primary caregiver of I and she is wonderful. But this violence is not good for him. Is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life? I just need to talk with others who have the same type of issues. I am sure J has BPD but she also has been diagnosed with PTSD, depression, anxiety. On a positive note, she is in counseling and sees a psychiatrist, something she initiated herself; however, I don't have much hope. Thanks for reading.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi Mel1964

I am glad to see you reaching out for support and advice as this is quite a difficult and concerning situation. There is a very young child involved which is definitely concerning considering your daughter's apparent increasing volatility. How would you say your daughter generally treats her young son?

Your daughter unfortunately experienced severe trauma as a child which can really affect people also in their adult lives. She has been diagnosed with PTSD, depression and anxiety. How long has she been in counseling and seeing that psychiatrist? Do you know if she is getting targeted treatment to help her process and heal from the sexual abuse she experienced as a child?

You mention being afraid she is going to kill someone. Is this fear based on her increasingly violent behavior or has she perhaps actually verbally expressed sentiments in that direction?

Being physically abused is horrible and I am very sorry you experienced that. In what ways did she assault you and could you describe the circumstances leading up to this assault?

Take care and I really encourage you to keep on posting as we have many members here with BPD children who can offer support

[Mel1964]

Hi Kwamina  

Thank you for replying. I'll answer your questions in paragraph form so that it is clear what question I am answering

Since my daughter lives in another state, I have only seen her once since having my grandson. On that occasion, her girlfriend was the main caregiver but I do see him usually daily on FaceTime and he seems to be a happy little boy. She seems patient and loving with him. But these are only 15 to 20 minute intervals. Her girlfriend says she is not mean to him or violent with him, but I am sure he is aware of it.

She has only been in counseling a few months, about 2. She started shortly before her suicide attempt. From what she tells me she is being seen for her abuse, the PTSD, and anxiety. She says she has been honest with her therapist but I doubt she has told her about the violence. It is the one topic I get hung up on if I broach and was the reason she is not speaking with me this time.

I am not aware of her telling anyone she wanted to kill them. I am aware that her last girlfriend took the guns out of the house because she threatened to kill herself on more than one occasion. I am concerned because one one occasion she assaulted her last girlfriend until she fell, where she continued to kick her in the stomach and the head. I'm just scared because of the stories you hear of people going off the deep end when someone leaves them. She is extremely afraid of being abandoned. This is a huge fear for her.

The assault I experienced started with her yelling and screaming over really nothing. Her two complaints to me were that I had wanted her to do an organic diet for Isaac and I don't remember the other one (this was totally new behavior for her) After screaming and carrying on she decided to leave in the middle of the night. I need to explain something. My daughter has dogs. She has had these 3 dogs for several years since they were puppies. When she came in November she brought 2 (I already had acquired one). When the middle dog, Lillie, came in she was emaciated. I was shocked and it was the first thing I noticed. She tried to hide it with a sweater. They were infested with fleas. I was horrified.  I started Lillie immediately on Pediasure and a soft diet.  I gently talked to her about leaving Lillie with me. She is 7 and suffers from severe dry eye and her eyesight is affected and with a baby... .We had agreed that she would stay with me. When she got mad she said that she was taking Lillie. There was no way in hell I was sending that dog back. That is what started the assault. (I kept the dog and she is healthy now). After that we went many months without speaking. Anyhow, the assault consisted of hitting me in the head, knocking me off balance and falling (with the dog in my arms) and then pulling my hair and dragging me across the room.

What I don't understand about this is that as a child she was never like this. She was extremely controlling, which is probably where the rest comes from. She never wanted me to be upset with her. It wasn't until she had the baby that everything went horribly wrong. Now, the behavior was going on prior to this but I was not aware of the violence. This is a child who called me 3 to 4 times a day. She was the child everyone said would never leave home. She was the child that exhausted me but I always felt like she had so many issues that she needed me more. If I'm not making any sense, I am just exhausted. I have lupus and am experiencing a mild flare up which just makes me very emotional and very tired.

Thank you again for answering my post. When I have time, I will look through the posts and response to others.