detachment

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi All,

I've posted before and I'm returning to post again because I feel I need it.

I would love to hear from y'all about what works in terms of detaching from the outcome when it comes time for holidays and/or birthdays.  It's gotten to the point where I don't want to reach out at all during holiday/birthday time because the behavior is unpredictable.  The latest is lying... .stating that an email was sent... .an invitation was made in good will... .but nothing of the sort actually happened.

Given that there are children involved, I've tried to remain in the picture as much as I can but sometimes my instinct is simply to detach completely.  In this past year, both me and my husband have felt the chill in communication without anything pre-emptying it.  Part of me knows this is the cycle black/white, but part of me knows it's also been fed by nobody calling the person in question to the carpet.  We've all walked on egg shells for so long that alas, one egg shell finally cracked and we distanced ourselves substantially.  We had a good groove going on in term of boundaries for some years and got together for holidays and some birthdays as of last year, were shut out again.

Recent get-togethers feel very forced and timed in terms of arriving late and leaving early. 

Would love to read your feedback.

Best,
Andrea2

[Andrea2]

Hi All,

I've posted before and I'm returning to post again because I feel I need it.

I would love to hear from y'all about what works in terms of detaching from the outcome when it comes time for holidays and/or birthdays.  It's gotten to the point where I don't want to reach out at all during holiday/birthday time because the behavior is unpredictable.  The latest is lying... .stating that an email was sent... .an invitation was made in good will... .but nothing of the sort actually happened.

Given that there are children involved, I've tried to remain in the picture as much as I can but sometimes my instinct is simply to detach completely.  In this past year, both me and my husband have felt the chill in communication without anything pre-emptying it.  Part of me knows this is the cycle black/white, but part of me knows it's also been fed by nobody calling the person in question to the carpet.  We've all walked on egg shells for so long that alas, one egg shell finally cracked and we distanced ourselves substantially.  We had a good groove going on in term of boundaries for some years and got together for holidays and some birthdays as of last year, were shut out again.

Recent get-togethers feel very forced and timed in terms of arriving late and leaving early. 

Would love to read your feedback.

Best,
Andrea2

[madeline7]

Good morning and welcome back,
I am going through a similar situation, and haven't yet figured out how I will approach the family gatherings, but wanted to reach out and extend a warm welcome back. What I have learned over the years is that even though the dynamics change in my family, they also remain dysfunctional. So I am proceeding with caution, and not saying I will never go, but will try to take it occasion by occasion. What has changed for me is that initially I wanted to attend for the sake of my kids. They are now in their 20's and see what is going on, and they are fine with me sitting it out if needed. They are so intuitive and supportive, will attempt to stay in contact with cousins on their own, but understand that I am choosing my own sanity when I feel the need to pull back. They also have love for their family members with BPD and narcissism, but do not like the behaviors and at times would rather pull back themselves. So I am sad, angry and exhausted, but at the same time very pleased that I have raised 2 wonderful individuals and have not perpetuated the bad behaviors. Wishing you peace and happiness.

[pyropsycho]

Holidays can be really hard. I struggle with that a lot too. Not sure what specifics you're talking about, but I think it takes some trial and error to figure out what works for you and what you can live with. I used to spend Thanksgiving with my mom (BPD), but at some point I realized how much I hated going, so I've stopped for the past two years. I'm pretty low contact with my mother, but I do call her on her birthday and Mother's Day. Last year I was feeling resentful and didn't call her for Mother's Day, and my aunt texted me and guilted me pretty hard about it. So I decided to call her this year, and that went more smoothly than I was expecting. The other thing that I've started to realize is that I can't really avoid her altogether, so I need to figure out better strategies for dealing with her in the moment and after the fact. Still working on that myself.