Struggling with the concept of "intentionality"...

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm in the process of reading "Healing from Hidden Abuse" by Shannon Thomas. And yes, it's another book that I find myself nodding my head as I read, finding the patterns of push/pull and manipulation to be incredibly accurate.

But her premise (similar to "psychopath free" that I posted about earlier) is that psychological abusers tend to be highly aware of their actions and frequently are acting intentionally.

And once again I am finding myself hung up on this point - even though it likely does not matter in regards to my own journey and healing. Ugh - except I feel like it DOES... .

Am I so anxious to diagnose my pwBPD with a devestating PD because it's easier for me to accept mistreatment if I can at least take comfort in knowing that it was largely unintentional? Is he actually just the world's biggest ass and the injustices served came from someone who enjoyed destroying me?

I don't know how to reconcile this question. Anyone else find themselves hung up on this concept?

[Lalathegreat]

I'm in the process of reading "Healing from Hidden Abuse" by Shannon Thomas. And yes, it's another book that I find myself nodding my head as I read, finding the patterns of push/pull and manipulation to be incredibly accurate.

But her premise (similar to "psychopath free" that I posted about earlier) is that psychological abusers tend to be highly aware of their actions and frequently are acting intentionally.

And once again I am finding myself hung up on this point - even though it likely does not matter in regards to my own journey and healing. Ugh - except I feel like it DOES... .

Am I so anxious to diagnose my pwBPD with a devestating PD because it's easier for me to accept mistreatment if I can at least take comfort in knowing that it was largely unintentional? Is he actually just the world's biggest ass and the injustices served came from someone who enjoyed destroying me?

I don't know how to reconcile this question. Anyone else find themselves hung up on this concept?

[resiliant_dad]

I'm new to this board, but not to BPD, and certainly not new to recovery, treatment, and books of all sorts.
I previously (before my experience with BPD) worked as a certified peer specialist (certified through the depression and bipolar support alliance)  in an outpatient treatment program in the veterans world. Certified peer specialists are individuals who are in recovery and treatment for MH or substance abuse (or combination), and receive formal training to help model healthy behavior. My diagnosis was/is PTSD. Contrary to common assumptions and misperceptions, it wasn't all PTSD, although that was most frequent diagnosis, and was often co-occurring. We had combat veterans, we had military sexual trauma (MST) survivors, we had "forgotten" vets from the late 70s-late 80s who had no "war" to be thanked for and who fell into substance abuse, isolation. We had mixes of those, as well as more classic SMI like bipolar disorder and schizoaffective disorder. 
I assisted the psychologists, social workers, art therapist, etc, in treatment delivery and also in treatment planning, to a much lesser degree.
We ran groups, we provided 1-1 individual therapy, trips, art and exercise therapy. There was one thing, however, we never did. We didn't give books to read. 
I've read other posts by you, and replied. I'm not judging and I'm not trying to diagnose or even make therapeutic suggestions.
I do have these questions, and consider it something to perhaps just ask yourself. What are you trying to get from these books? Psychopath Free I looked up, and the author has almost no background information, education training, etc. I would tread lightly here. Also, why are you jumping from book to book? Again, maybe ask yourself this. Is there one book you are searching for, or are you looking for validation? Do you need to read all the books?
Consider yourself validated. I don't think you need to search for it; and what do we learn from nodding our heads along with a book?

In my experience, true recovery isn't found on a page. It is found in community. In action. In ourselves. In new discovery.

In the other post, I asked and was answered about your unexpected submissive behavior. If I can make a mere suggestion, find something to flip that.
You get scared by someone who is speaking aggressively to you? Master something, or at least try something, that always scared you. Find your own strength. Jump out of a plane, take up Jiu Jitsu class, learn how to cook blowfish, or ride a dirt bike. Something tangible. Something that has you in it, mastering it.

Books are great. Text books for learning. Story books for escaping. Cook books. Etc. But not all of them are created equal.

Get out and write your own.

[balletomane]

For_my_sons has given some good advice. It sounds as if you are in a lot of pain and desperate to make sense of what your ex did to you, which is completely natural - understanding what went on makes pain more manageable. But there is always going to be a limit to what we can know about our exes and how they thought (we aren't in their heads, after all) and accepting this is key to recovery.

I struggled with similar questions and doubts to you. My ex was diagnosed with BPD by a psychiatrist, but I often wondered how much of his behaviour was down to BPD. I thought that if it was BPD, that meant his behaviour wasn't his fault (and by illogical extension, that it was my fault for not being a better, more supportive girlfriend). And if it wasn't BPD, that meant that he was completely fine and that I must be the one with the problem (as he kept insisting - he used to tell me that the only thing that stopped me from being completely evil was the fact that I was crazy). And if he really had been abusive, well, it was still my fault for putting up with it and not walking away.

It took me quite a while to break out of this cycle of self-doubt. This was what helped: instead of thinking about the reasons for his behaviour, I thought about its impact on me. That night he told me he was going to kill himself over the phone, responded to my attempts at support and comfort with, "I forgot you're impossible to talk to," and disappeared for two days - what did it do to me? It left me sick with worry and panic that he'd hurt himself badly and that I had no way to find out how he was, if he was even alive. I was having diarrhoea with the anxiety of it, couldn't sleep, and was shaking. Put like that, does it matter whether he behaved like this on purpose or if it was beyond his control? The effect on me was still bad no matter whether he consciously decided to do it or not. The same logic applies to every other hurtful thing he did. When you are gushing blood after being stabbed, you don't think to yourself, "Hmm, I wonder if the knife was made of steel or made from something else" - you just do First Aid. Dwelling on whether your boyfriend's behaviour was down to BPD or not is the equivalent of obsessing over what the knife was made of. It's enough to know that you were badly hurt. Now you have to get on with that First Aid.

[Lalathegreat]

Thank you guys!

For my sons - what a tremendous resource you are! Thank you for sharing the knowledge that you have gained through your experience and work. I love the idea of actively seeking a way to take back the sense of being powerful by finding something to master. It is very easy for me to get stuck "in my head". I think that I continue to read books because I am stuck on the concept that if I can truly understand the WHY and the WHAT surrounding my experience, I will somehow be able to manufacture something approaching the concept of "closure". It's been pointed out to me multiple times here that ultimately we can NEVER understand because the BPD experience is so divergent from our own. Nonetheless I feel a bit stuck on this point. I am working on moving past it by focusing on how the "why" really isn't that important, only that it was not something that was healthy for ME. And it definitely was NOT a relationship that was healthy for me, even if I could remove the physically abusive aspect. In many ways the crushing and constant criticism and emotional abuse was ultimately more devastating.

balletomene - As I mentioned above, you are absolutely right! Looking for some peace in figuring out WHY it happened is ultimately going to be a losing battle. Understanding the WHY doesn't matter, the only thing that matters is that it wasn't healthy. Finding peace in accepting that knowledge as "enough" is going to be key in recovering long term.

I just wish it were easier.