I am a new member with a BPD adult daughter.

[A0802]

Hello to everyone,

My daughter, who lives 5 hours away from me, and I have had a very difficult relationship.  I knew nothing about BPD until she told me that a therapist said she may have this disorder and suggested a book for her to read.  She never read the book, but I did.  It is only my uneducated diagnosis that she is BPD.  The book  answered many questions that I had and I immediately started using some of the techniques from the book.  But obviously, not enough.  We had been communicating daily over the computer IM, but she is talking to me very little at the present time.  I stopped most phone contact because she would call me in the middle of the night and expect to talk for hours.  I had to tell her I would not answer the phone after 7 in the evening.  She is usually asleep during the day, but if she does call, as soon as she starts getting angry and verbally blasting me, I tell her I won't listen to that and hang up.  I will not answer the phone then when she calls back.   She has seen several therapists in the past and, in the beginning, was very encouraged that they would solve her problems.  But after the 2nd or 3rd visit, she would say they didn't understand her and she would not return.  She insists that her problems are caused by other people, mostly me, and she has no control over what they do.   I would like to see her get some continuing therapy, but have been ineffective in doing this.  I am hoping to get some useful suggestions for this.  At the current time, she lives alone with SS disability in government housing.  I pay for her utilities and telephone, give her gift certificates several times a year.  She always has a man helping her with other expenses.  Her 24 year old son has lived with me since she threw him out when he was 13.   She now claims that I tricked her, took him away from her, and made him hate her because he refuses to talk to her now.   She doesn't understand that some things she does to other people have a lasting effect.  I am 74 yrs. old and am worried what will become of her when I am no longer here.  She pushes everyone out of her life and then complains that she has no one.  There are other family members she has had a relationship with, but they don't want to speak to her now.  She really dislikes her only brother.  He has her blocked on his phone and IM.  The only time he will talk to her is when she is not being objectionable.  But that never lasts for long.  I could fill the remainder of this message recounting only some of the actions she has taken against me and others, but I am sure they would be familiar with many of you.  Any information, suggestions, encouragement, etc. would be greatly appreciated.  Especially with getting her to accept therapy.
Thank you,

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello A0802 and welcome to BPD Family.   I hope you find, as I have, that just laying out your feelings and thoughts in a non-judgmental atmosphere like this forum is somewhat therapeutic.

I, too, am 74 and while our stories are not the same, there are similarities.  After so many years of dealing with my (undiagnosed-but-highly-probable) BPD daughter, I finally came to the point where I realized I had to focus and repair ME.   As mothers, we did the best we could and have accumulated many battle scars over the years as we tried to make life easier for our "special" children.  At 74, A0802, there are probably not that many years ahead of us and we need and deserve to make them as enjoyable and stress-free as possible.

My daughter and I had a script-through-life with both of us playing the same roles year after year after year.  I had to make changes to my character and, as a result, she is having to make changes to hers.   She is not liking this change... .but too bad!  I don't know what the future is going to bring for us but I can tell you that I no longer pine for the relationship I wish we had.  I am accepting what is... .IS... .and am now getting on with life.  I am finally feeling empowered.

My daughter, too, has gone to many counsellors over the years... .moving on to a new one whenever the finger started to be pointed in her direction.   Her verbal abuse was escalating and, after the last episode,  she offered an apology... .and it was accepted as was any that came before.  Then I said... .we next meet in group counselling to try to make sure this doesn't happen again.  We are at a standstill now because she has made it clear she will never go into counselling with me... .her mother.  Hmmmmm?  You can well read between the lines on that statement can't ya?  Well, at this point in our lives, this is NOT negotiable!

Our daughters are well into adulthood and they are making their choices and we have to let them learn how to take responsibility for their actions... .or non-actions.  It is a difficult thing not to worry about them because we are, after all, mothers.  With that said, A0802, it can be done - but it takes work and sometimes, if at all possible, going to counselling for yourself can help you along the way.

May your future turn brighter.  Keep posting!  We learn from each other here.