Tension building

[ElinorD]

Things had been better for a while with my uBPDh, but I have just joined a new activity and it's not going well. I did ask for his input when I started to consider it. He seemed supportive if not thrilled (it's not his thing but he knows it's mine). The supportiveness keeps declining now that I actually committed to it and couldn't back out without inconveniencing a whole organization.

My approach has been mostly my usual tiptoeing around it. If the topic upsets him, I just avoid it.

Would I be better off talking about it, how I'm feeling this strong disapproval and silent anger  from him about it, and that I feel afraid and sad because of it?

I hate to open that can of worms, because any manner of irrational comments and accusations are likely to follow. I HATE those times.

He's also under a couple of other emotional stressors at the moment, although to be honest they won't really pass quickly. And I'm hoping that once I start actually doing this activity, he'll lose some of his fear of it, especially if I make sure to pay enough attention to him.

I just don't know what to do besides holding my breath, which I don't want to do anymore.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Elinor, Sorry for the delayed response.

One thing I have to remind myself when starting new activites that my H may find threatening to our relationship is that if I stick it out, then he will eventually get used to it.

Perhaps when your H begins to put out little jabs about the commitment or makes comments, a better approach would be to address those instead of even letting the idea of you quitting be an option. Address his fear or being alone or missing you or feeling rejected in an open and honest way. For instance, when I have dinner planned with friends and I can tell my H is feeling a little anxious about it, I'll address his insecurity by letting him know that I'll miss him while at the dinner or let him know that when I get home I'll spend time with him (even if that means staying up later than usual).