Breaking Our NC agreement

[tennysongirl]

Hey everyone -

Quick question. My pwBPD split me pretty black after I called him on his 3-week episode of silent treatment (in hindsight, not the best idea), told me it was over FOR REAL this time (3rd or 4th "divorce" recycle, can't remember) and rented a new apartment within a week and moved he and my step-son out in a weekend (I was not given an address or even told where they moved to... .I imagine it's in the area since SS's school and bio-mom are also super close by). The rage and blaming texts/emails/conversations were getting too much to handle and so I requested at LEAST 30 days NC (and specified this could be broken ONLY for emergencies) to allow things to simmer down before we even discuss divorce (again).

That was the beginning of June. While difficult, this NC period has been AMAZING for me. I've been making tons of personal progress with jobs, friends, therapy, and even found and joined a support group for people whose loved ones have BPD, which has been super validating and helpful and insightful. Obviously, there are pretty crappy days where I miss pwBPD and SS pretty badly and get depressed, but I just keep on keepin' on bc I literally cannot do anything else at this point.

So. Received an email today (after several great/horrible weeks of NC) from pwBPD. He was making sure I got the rent invoice for (what's now) my house - "can you please let me know when this has been paid?" - and continued on to say that he'd like to stop by sometime and grab "lawncare equipment" out of the shed sometime when I'm not home so as not be "intruding." He ended with, "I hope you're doing well."

Obviously - NOT an emergency. I'm not really considering breaking our NC for "lawncare equipment", which, btw, I have not noticed any such equipment in our shed, nor do I remember moving anything similar to lawncare equipment into the shed when we moved into this house in Feb. However, concerning the rent, *I* have been working two jobs so that I can pay the rent all by myself since finances were split when NC started. I can afford it, and it's coming out of my own account, so I figured he wouldn't even need to bother worrying about it? So I guess my question is... .

... .it seems to me like he's "fishing"... .looking for response/acknowledgment, etc. Does this seem accurate to anyone else? I really really want to stick to my NC guns, since it a) hasn't been 30 days, and b) is NOT an emergency, but am kind of unsure. How would YOU guys handle what seems like "fishing" or baiting me or an attempt to send out feelers to see if I'll respond?
Also, the letting him know about when I pay MY rent seems a little on the anxious/controlling side of things? Is that something I should alleviate or continue ignoring altogether?

This is a relationship I'm not looking to end if it's possible to avoid it, but this is one of the WORST cycles I've ever been through with this person and I'm exhausted.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Meili]

 

Is he also financially responsible, from a legal sense, for the payment of the rent on the house? I mean, is he on the lease as well?

Are you attempting to take a "time out" from the relationship or what we call a Therapeutic Separation? The two are different and have different "rules" so to speak. Whether you should break the NC is dependent on the purpose of the NC to begin with.

[Mutt]

Hi tennysongirl,



NC is not a hard and fast rule, he might be worried about the payment and just wants to make sure that it gets done. I'd look at what is valid what as opposed to what is invalid, he's not attacking you. With that in mind, validate the valid, don't validate the invalid.

"can you please let me know when this has been paid?" - and continued on to say that he'd like to stop by sometime and grab "lawncare equipment" out of the shed sometime when I'm not home so as not be "intruding." He ended with, "I hope you're doing well."

A pwBPD are so into a moment emotionally that they forget what the last moment was, it sounds like you may of had some horrible emails from him, that's obviously invalid to respond too, unless there is smidge of validity in the message, I'd respond back to that.

This looks like a message where he's fairly detached and just asking to make sure a payment is made, you can answer it in any which way, but it were me, I'd just say "I'll pay it. Thanks" If he shows up and you're not comfortable, go out with your friends, or go out to your group etc.

[stamusic]

Hey everyone -

Quick question. My pwBPD split me pretty black after I called him on his 3-week episode of silent treatment (in hindsight, not the best idea), told me it was over FOR REAL this time (3rd or 4th "divorce" recycle, can't remember) and rented a new apartment within a week and moved he and my step-son out in a weekend (I was not given an address or even told where they moved to... .I imagine it's in the area since SS's school and bio-mom are also super close by). The rage and blaming texts/emails/conversations were getting too much to handle and so I requested at LEAST 30 days NC (and specified this could be broken ONLY for emergencies) to allow things to simmer down before we even discuss divorce (again).

That was the beginning of June. While difficult, this NC period has been AMAZING for me. I've been making tons of personal progress with jobs, friends, therapy, and even found and joined a support group for people whose loved ones have BPD, which has been super validating and helpful and insightful. Obviously, there are pretty crappy days where I miss pwBPD and SS pretty badly and get depressed, but I just keep on keepin' on bc I literally cannot do anything else at this point.

So. Received an email today (after several great/horrible weeks of NC) from pwBPD. He was making sure I got the rent invoice for (what's now) my house - "can you please let me know when this has been paid?" - and continued on to say that he'd like to stop by sometime and grab "lawncare equipment" out of the shed sometime when I'm not home so as not be "intruding." He ended with, "I hope you're doing well."

Obviously - NOT an emergency. I'm not really considering breaking our NC for "lawncare equipment", which, btw, I have not noticed any such equipment in our shed, nor do I remember moving anything similar to lawncare equipment into the shed when we moved into this house in Feb. However, concerning the rent, *I* have been working two jobs so that I can pay the rent all by myself since finances were split when NC started. I can afford it, and it's coming out of my own account, so I figured he wouldn't even need to bother worrying about it? So I guess my question is... .

... .it seems to me like he's "fishing"... .looking for response/acknowledgment, etc. Does this seem accurate to anyone else? I really really want to stick to my NC guns, since it a) hasn't been 30 days, and b) is NOT an emergency, but am kind of unsure. How would YOU guys handle what seems like "fishing" or baiting me or an attempt to send out feelers to see if I'll respond?
Also, the letting him know about when I pay MY rent seems a little on the anxious/controlling side of things? Is that something I should alleviate or continue ignoring altogether?

This is a relationship I'm not looking to end if it's possible to avoid it, but this is one of the WORST cycles I've ever been through with this person and I'm exhausted.

As odd as it may sound... But when my pwBPD 'fishes' during the painted black silent treatment, I find it humorous (perhaps my way of coping with those painted black moments). But I find it humorous simply because I KNOW my partner misses me and her asking any what-may-seem random questions is her way of saying 'I'm still here, please don't forget me'. My partner would usually ask for me to pack all her belongings up for her to collect during the week (with no date given or intention on actually getting her stuff back), and if I respond calmly and okay about this situation, she'll keep texting me to make sure I haven't forgot something... usually something I know she really couldn't care less whether or not she had back.
So overall... Just know that sure, she's fishing... But she's also missing you like crazy and hating how she's treating you - she can't help that she's pushing you away. When my pwBPD says something that may seem hurtful to me about the relationship e.g "we're over for good, we're not getting back together, move on" I always repeat in my head 'she's just testing you, she doesn't mean it'. When we're back to being good, I slowly allow her to open up in her own time about how she wants me to communicate with her when she's in painted black mode and she always tell me to make sure I know it's all a test, she hates that she does it, and that she's miserable without me.

Just my experience, but hopefully helps a little.

[tennysongirl]

Hey everyone,

Thanks for the responses. He sent a follow-up text the next day letting me know he was "coming by soon to grab that stuff." I politely told him that this was not part of the NC agreement and he could get lawncare equipment elsewhere or wait 30 days. He responded with "ok."

Meili - the 30 day NC (except for emergencies) was initiated by me in his therapy session (with his DBT counselor) as it was pretty difficult to keep communication amicable at the time. He would blame and split me throughout, with accusations, etc., even though I was trying my darndest to validate and listen, so I was having a hard time keeping my cool and not responding in kind. 30 day NC seemed like a good idea to go ahead and diminish contact so that we could both calm down. So I guess it's sort of a therapeutic separating in my mind, but in his mind... .
... .He was pushing pretty hard for divorce in between all of the blaming and splitting, so in my mind (and I did not bring this up to pwBPD or his therapist) it also seemed like a good option for letting him "cool off" so to speak and perhaps readdress the topic of divorce when and if he still wanted to continue with it after 30 days. He had already moved out and was pushing separation of the finances IMMEDIATELY, so I agreed to that in return for the 30 days of NC before continuing to talk divorce. Also unspoken (but clear in my mind) was that I needed to gain some perspective on my end and really question if this is a relationship I want to eventually continue (yes - I'd like to avoid divorce if at all possible).
He is also on the lease, so I suppose it would make sense that he wanted to check in and make sure I wasn't being delinquent. Which is actually pretty funny, since he's the one who pretty much took the credit card to its limit this last month, and when he's splitting, his spending habits always tend to be a little... .irresponsible. I suppose this could be projecting a bit on his part. I was just a little bit annoyed since checking whether or not I'd paid rent and getting lawncare equipment seemed pretty "non-emergency".

So yes, Mutt, I think you're correct. Since the NC agreement any communication from him has seemed pretty detached, it was just the non-emergency nature of the things he was contacting me about that annoyed me - since we agreed contact for emergencies ONLY.

stamusic - I've experienced this sort of "checking-in" before, but in less drastic situations. He may have left for work in a bad mood and I was clearly in a good one and kind of confused at his behavior, and then would get a "Hi." text sometime later that day. Just that - "Hi." I perhaps had texted him that morning asking a banal question or telling him I loved him and I hoped he had a good day, he would not respond, and then out of the blue - "Hi."
It always struck me as rather odd that he would text me like that, but after learning about BPD, it makes TOTAL sense.

I guess I'm not sure where to go from here after 30 days ends (2nd week of July). I feel like not initiating contact first and letting him come to me instead, but if I'm interested in the possibility of saving this, is that what I should do? I read the forums, I go to the groups, I read the books, but somewhere between mentally understanding the best methods for communicating with him and actually being able to use the skills in real time has been hard for me.

[Meili]

Thank you for the clarification and explanation. It helps us better understand what is going on.

One of the best things that I've found about learning new communication tools is that we can (and really should) practice them with others before engaging with the pwBPD. This way, they can start to become second nature so that we don't have to stop and think about them when in the middle of an emotionally charged situation.

These boards an excellent place to practice btw. We can all read the posts of others and start to learn to be more empathetic. We can then practice communicating without invalidating and move toward validating. It's a safe place to work on the skills because of the anonymity. Just a thought.

[tennysongirl]

Meili -

You're totally correct. I've noticed that quite a few of the "veteran" members of this board seem to be excellent listeners as well as validators in terms of responding to posts and sharing their advice and perspectives, which is why I love this site. So many great resources and people at our fingertips with great insights and advice and skills learned and put into practice.
This site has proved invaluable to me when I feel like doing some verbal raging of my own, breaking NC, or just generally being bitter or angry. The resources here help me calm down and remember that while the way my pwBPD behaves isn't personal or intentional, he is going to need to take responsibility for his behaviors and actions at some point, and this is not something I can control beyond my own response. 

I have noticed that the communication tools I have been trying learn have also been great to use wth friends and family - when I remember to step back and use them. It's been more often of late that I can put them into practical application and do it well.

The issue I'm still running into is using them with the person they are intended for in the end. This seems to be a particularly bad splitting episode of his - the worst one I've witnessed/been caught up in, and while I lost my cool a few times, the times I did remember to validate and listen seemed to have the same results as JADEing. I would back up and try to de-escalate and then try again to validate and listen, but the reactions were the same - defensiveness, rage, blame-shifting, "this is REALLY over," "I can't wait til you're out of my life... ." etc.
At this point I'm just continuing NC and hoping that the split will end soon while planning for a divorce.

Thank you for your responses. And you're right - I need to be practicing these skills with coworkers and other people every day in order for them to become second nature. Every little bit helps.

[tennysongirl]

I guess I should also mention that I grew up with a parent who I now believe had something like BPD - only 2 times as bad and they were actually physically abusive (pwBPD has never made me feel like I was physically in danger, fortunately). Parent was also an excellent gaslighter, and "twister of words" - no matter what you said or how calm you remained, everything was twisted back at you, backed up with "scripture", and the rage, blaming, name-calling, and physical abuse could have happened at any time. In a way I have become accustomed to living as if I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop and the fight-or-flight response to kick in.

I've been in therapy for this for several years now, and I feel like I've made some great progress when it comes to not taking on the emotions or behavior of the person I live with. I'm wondering if the responses I had to have to my angry bitter parent have been so engrained that it's making it a bit harder to break old communication and reaction/response habits.

Just a thought.

[Meili]

I'm sorry that you had to deal with that as a child. I went through a very similar situation. I'd venture a guess that many of us here had someone like that in his/her life.

It's entirely possible that what is happening in the present is triggering something from your past. That's exactly what it was for me. I have C-PTSD as a result of my childhood. Stress, anxiety, and chaos have always been the norm in my world, so living in such an environment is easy and comfortable. When things are slow and calm, I get very uneasy and brace myself for the impact of the round of "insanity."

Does that sound familiar at all?

What I've learned is that what is important is how we chose to respond to our own emotions. We cannot help that we have the emotions, but we are in complete control over how we react to them. Emotions create thoughts; they have no power in and of themselves.

There is probably a reason that you struggle with using the lessons and tools here when confronted by your pwBPD. It's really hard to learn to remain calm and focused in intense situations.

Another thing that I'd to point out is that is that your pwBPD is still following his old patterns while you are changing yours. He is still using the skills that have worked for him for a very long time. As long as they continue to remain effective, he will continue to utilize them.

[tennysongirl]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, as well. And yes - unfortunately that sounds all too familiar - waiting for the shoe to drop when things are peaceful, which might explain my tendency towards anxiety and panic attacks when it seems there's nothing to be panicked about.

In Walking on Eggshells, the passage talking about the fact that we choose people like this to be a part of our lives perhaps because we have unfinished business with a similar parent really struck a chord with me. I finally worked up the courage to confront my parent about their behavior this year, and instead of an apology, they explained their actions and abuse were justified. But it didn't matter - I confronted them for me and gave them the responsibility for their behavior back. Even without the apology, I feel like the blame isn't mine anymore and I've been able to shift my focus to healing and working on myself instead of being angry and dwelling on the past.

I have been able to step back and more easily recognize the part I have played in re-enforcing his behavior during this NC period. I have been terrible at setting boundaries in the past and he could definitely "play me like a fiddle". So you're correct - he is still utilizing silent treatment and abandonment skills to get what he wants.

Now I'm trying to break free from the control I've allowed him to have and accept responsibility for MY stuff, not his. The problem with this so far is that he seems to think since I'm accepting responsibility for mine, I might as well accept it for his too.