Help with husband

[Loving Wife]

Hello,
I have been with my husband for 3 years. Earlier this year, with the help of my therapist I finally got a name for the collection of symptoms he exhibits - BPD.  It is very helpful to have a name and some support.  I know I am not supposed to engage in defending myself when he accuses me of crazy things, but it is so hard.  He seems to be transferring his hurts from his past marriage to me - trying to create a reality where I am cheating, etc.  How do you not stand up for yourself and deny false accusations? He also tells his daughter things that are untrue. One night he drank too much and got really nasty.  We had an argument. The next day he poured out all of the alcohol in the house and told his daughter it was because I am a nasty drunk!  I am not.
Please help with any advice.  I love him. The highs are so high and great, but the lows break my heart.
Thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

I'm sorry you're going through that, we know how it feels. You have the oportunity to deny things, when he is regulated. It's in the times his emotional arousal levels are so high when it would only do wrong. You'll see, or you'll learn to see, that, from your first answer and his reaction, you'll see if he's ready to listen, or if he's not. I'm sorry he involves your daughter, that's tough.

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you continue writing. We all benefit from reading and answering and bouncing ideas to one another.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Loving Wife,

Welcome ,

The accusations of cheating are the worst. It makes you begin to question every interaction you have with other people. Sometimes it seems easier to just stop talking to others to prevent the accusations.

One way that I get over having the need to have to stand up for myself is to remind myself that I have nothing to defend. I know I"m not cheating. He knows I'm not cheating. Why should I give attention to something that we both know is untrue. I began to respond to my H by saying something like, "I'm not and you know that. I don't like being accused of cheating." It's been a long time since he has made that accusation because that was the only response or reaction I would give him.

Here's a link to our workshop on how to stop accusations:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87204.0