Left in another tailspin

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Holy Moly is all I can say.  I used to come here for a brief time and come back to read from time to time.  I really think I need to participate and when my finances allow for it, to go get some counseling.  Since finding this forum, I have been disowned more times than I care to count.  I can’t even remember the number of times where I have displayed an opinion outside my mom’s and she has disowned me, hurled insults and basically been a freaking lunatic. 

Moving forward in life, I feel there is only one choice for me, and that is to basically move on with my life and go no contact with my mother for the rest of my life (and hers).  I do love her because she is my mom, but she is a very toxic woman. 

The latest ‘fight’ I have had is over the fact that the daughter of my brother’s that she raises is cruel to my child.  She upsets him in various ways.  At the mere mention of this, what I get are how horrible I am, and how horrible he is.  I finally broke down and told my mom that I thought she was a horrible mother my entire life.  She is.  I look at my child and imagine calling him names, invalidating every feeling he has, being as un-reassuring as possible, putting him down and making him feel inferior, always having to win every argument, not being able to talk without screaming and hurling insults, and I cannot even imagine doing that.  I realize that by keeping this woman in our life has the possibility to corrupt my 7 year old’s self-esteem and I refuse to do that.  I refuse to talk about him in his presence and hoist and foster the feeling inside himself that he is a failure.
My mom and I had an email exchange and basically all she did was insult me, call me names and finally tell me good riddance with the implication that once again, I am ‘out of the will’.  I say take me out of it.  I didn’t want to be in it anyways.  I don’t care about money.  I care about living in peace and with my sanity.  What kind of parent tells their child good riddance?
And the best part is I am a GOOD kid.  I have never asked her to support me.  I barely ask her for any help at all.  I have a business degree and a good job.  Instead of being proud of me, she hurls the degree in my face saying that I think I am better than everyone because of it.  What?1?  Wouldn’t a normal person be proud of that of their child?  Not to mention, I never even bring up having one.  I try to forget it as I am still paying student loans off for it.
I am very glad that I am 99.9% certain that my mom has BPD.  She will never know for sure because, of course, there is nothing wrong with her.  She is perfect and everyone’s world / personal views should align with hers, because she sees the world thru a uniquely crazy perspective. It is still so painful to move forward without feeling totally decimated.

[chronsweet]

Holy Moly is all I can say.  I used to come here for a brief time and come back to read from time to time.  I really think I need to participate and when my finances allow for it, to go get some counseling.  Since finding this forum, I have been disowned more times than I care to count.  I can’t even remember the number of times where I have displayed an opinion outside my mom’s and she has disowned me, hurled insults and basically been a freaking lunatic. 

Moving forward in life, I feel there is only one choice for me, and that is to basically move on with my life and go no contact with my mother for the rest of my life (and hers).  I do love her because she is my mom, but she is a very toxic woman. 

The latest ‘fight’ I have had is over the fact that the daughter of my brother’s that she raises is cruel to my child.  She upsets him in various ways.  At the mere mention of this, what I get are how horrible I am, and how horrible he is.  I finally broke down and told my mom that I thought she was a horrible mother my entire life.  She is.  I look at my child and imagine calling him names, invalidating every feeling he has, being as un-reassuring as possible, putting him down and making him feel inferior, always having to win every argument, not being able to talk without screaming and hurling insults, and I cannot even imagine doing that.  I realize that by keeping this woman in our life has the possibility to corrupt my 7 year old’s self-esteem and I refuse to do that.  I refuse to talk about him in his presence and hoist and foster the feeling inside himself that he is a failure.
My mom and I had an email exchange and basically all she did was insult me, call me names and finally tell me good riddance with the implication that once again, I am ‘out of the will’.  I say take me out of it.  I didn’t want to be in it anyways.  I don’t care about money.  I care about living in peace and with my sanity.  What kind of parent tells their child good riddance?
And the best part is I am a GOOD kid.  I have never asked her to support me.  I barely ask her for any help at all.  I have a business degree and a good job.  Instead of being proud of me, she hurls the degree in my face saying that I think I am better than everyone because of it.  What?1?  Wouldn’t a normal person be proud of that of their child?  Not to mention, I never even bring up having one.  I try to forget it as I am still paying student loans off for it.
I am very glad that I am 99.9% certain that my mom has BPD.  She will never know for sure because, of course, there is nothing wrong with her.  She is perfect and everyone’s world / personal views should align with hers, because she sees the world thru a uniquely crazy perspective. It is still so painful to move forward without feeling totally decimated.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Chronsweet! 

So glad you came and shared some of your turmoil with us! You are welcome here with us, those who understand what you are going through. I am really sorry that you have gone through this and still are. It is tough, beyond hurtful, and so tiring and exhausting. You are among friends who will share thoughts and experiences which I know you will be able to relate to. My mom was also an uBPD.

I look at my child and imagine calling him names, invalidating every feeling he has, being as un-reassuring as possible, putting him down and making him feel inferior, always having to win every argument, not being able to talk without screaming and hurling insults, and I cannot even imagine doing that.

This is a very astute observation on your part, and I am very glad that you are able to grasp the truth of the incredible difference between the choices you are making and those which our moms made. You and your son will be so much healthier! 

Other members have gone NC, and hopefully they'll pitch in and share their thoughts about it. I was very LC with my mom over the years because she lived many states away from me. In retrospect, I didn't even know what BPD was, that there was such a thing as NC or LC, but I see how instinctively I knew I had to keep some boundaries up around myself and my family. I am so glad that I did.

Have you read some books that have been helpful to you about Borderlines?

 
Wools