I've just recently learned that my wife may have BPD. Now what?

[Why123]

It's been a very hard 8 years of marriage with her uncontrolled anger.  A psychologist I started seeing for myself for our marriage issues because my wife won't, has brought of the possibility of my wife having BPD. It matches almost everything I have seen.  I have handled almost all arguments the wrong way until about a few months ago when I've learned about this. She wants nothing to do with helping herself, and I have not talked at all about her having this as I've read that the time must be right.  But I'm suffering and 'walking on eggshells' as the book says.  At this point I don't want to just give up on our marriage, but as the days go by I'm becoming more and more depressed at the thought that this cannot be changed.  So, I'm reaching out to try to help myself and feel better so I can actually help her.  Someone who blames the everything but herself for her 'justifiable' normal behavior.   Any ideas on where I can start today?  Another small, small thing has just escalated into a situation where she won't speak to me for a day or so.  How can I start doing the right things for us? 

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[Why123]

I did not validate as well as I should have.  It just slipped past me because it was so small a thing.  I did not concentrate on her feelings and emotions.  Only on the issue.  I am positive that I've escalated the situation, but I am so tired of 'babysitting' someone who completely believes this is normal behavior.  I feel like my self esteem is going down the tubes because she doesn't take much if any responsibility for any problems in our relationship.  I'm the one reading the books, seeing a psychologist, and working to understand our marriage, and now her.  And I've discovered so much about myself in the process and my own failings and behaviors that can complicate this, and that has helped me and our marriage, but now I'm getting very resentful as my own growth and understanding supports her being able to continue this.  Can anyone speak about this about how I can handle this or where this will lead?   

[Panda39]

Hi Why123,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

I'm here because of my SO's (significant other's) uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) so I come at this from a slightly different angle, but totally understand how complicated it can be to have someone with BPD in your life (everyone here "gets it"

When I first discovered BPD I hit the library and read everything I could on BPD... .it sounds like you are reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells... ." that's a good one there's another one I liked that you might want to check out too, "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change" by: Valerie Porr M. A.  Getting a good understanding of what BPD is, is a great first step    Learning about BPD helped me to sort out what had always look like chaos into something I could understand, I began to see patterns in my SO's ex's behaviors.

You mentioned validation and that is an excellent skill to develop.  You're right you want to validate her feelings not what she is doing.  It's about validating the feeling behind her actions.  Keep practicing for many of us this isn't a natural skill... .like anything else with practice it will become more natural.

Below are links to more information on Validation that you might find helpful... .
 
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=210574.0

I also want to point out the box to the right --> each item there is a link to more information so pick a topic that resonates and dive in.

Keep doing what you're doing... .support for yourself, educate yourself, and begin to practice new skills as you learn them.  This is a process... .a journey... .and you are choosing to take action and work on your marriage this is a good thing    There is support, ideas, tools and hope here.

I know other members will be along to welcome you soon. 

Take Care, 
Panda39