Help dealing witha niece that may have BPD

[concernedaunt]

Hi there, my niece seems to be exhibiting BPD behavior.  I am not sure of her exact diagnosis.  From what I have read about different mental illnesses she seems to fit best with BPD.  The problem my family is facing is  that we do not know how to handle her behavior.  She is pron to angry outbursts, lying, and is quite verbally abusive to her parents.  She has also been physically abusive to her spouse.  She can also be destructive. Although we try and be supportive, it is often difficult to have her at family functions. She has ruined many holidays because of her behavior.  I recently had a family event and did not include her. I know how stressful it is for the family especially her parents, when she is around.  She was also out of touch with her parents for several months prior to the event.  She became very angry when she found out she wasn't invited.  My sister and her husband were very hurt by my decision.  I understand now that I should have discussed it with them first.   They explained that my niece can not control her behavior and that we all need to accept that.  This is where I have some trouble... .do I not have the right to protect my family from being exposed to her outbursts and risk ruining family events.  My niece makes very little effect in treating her illness.  Although my sister insists she is not responsible for her behavior I still feel like there should be some consequences for her actions. I need help better understanding how to properly deal with her in a respectful way but at the same time trying to preserve our family gatherings.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi concernedaunt

Welcome to the forum.

Although my sister insists she is not responsible for her behavior I still feel like there should be some consequences for her actions.

I encourage you to take a look at the top right hand side of this page. Reading and learning about BPD will better help you understand the daily challenges your niece faces and also her limitations. This knowledge will help you understand.

You've raised a tricky point that we all face. Family gatherings and, in particular, holidays and vacations can be very challenging for everybody concerned. My DS gets very anxious beforehand. If he feels something then it is fact. He can't help the way he behaves as he has a mental illness. It's not only embarrassing, it's a clear reminder to me that my adult child is different. My family don't understand.

Better boundaries and limits can really help family members protect themselves. It's admirable that you've come to the forum and you obviously want to try to find a way for you and your family. It really sounds like your sister and husband could use your support - I know I'd do anything to have my family at least try to understand some of my problems and the work I'm doing to learn new communication and validation skills to better interact.

Have you spoken to your sister and husband and explained how you're feeling?
Is your neice in therapy?
How does your sister and husband normally deal with the outbursts?

Sorry for the questions!

LP