Happy that I set a small boundary enforcement

[Dragon72]

Yesterday I got back from an 11 hour work day and bathed our son and gave him supper while my uBPDw was elsewhere in the house doing her own thing.  She came into the dining room while I was helping our son with his food and said "You know what I would like?  I'd like you to make me a couple of slices of French toast". No sign of a "please".
"I'm busy," I replied, "You know how to make it, make it yourself."
"But I like the way you make it," she moaned.
"Sorry," I replied.
And she gave me the silent treatment from then on.

In the past I would have leapt up and made her the food to keep her from pouting.
I'm glad I had the guts to say no.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Dragon72,

Saying no can be so difficult for people, especially to loved ones. It sounds like you are working on being able to say it without backtracking. I'm glad to hear that you feel empowered after that incident. Your wife pouted for awhile—was the pouting over relatively quickly?

What other situations challenge your ability to say no?

heartandwhole

[Dragon72]

Was the pouting over relatively quickly?
Difficult to say.  
She went off to bed early at her usual time that evening (7pm, with our son), leaving me on my own.

Since a day or two before this she started sleeping in our bed as opposed to our 3 and a half years old son's bed which she had slept in nightly for, well, 3 and a half years.  And I thought that my refusal to make her food and her subsequent grumpiness would make her dive back into our son's bed, but no, there she was in our bed when I went up to sleep at 10pm.  

There was no cuddling during the night and I was up and out the door to go to work before she woke up.  No contact during the day and I just got monosyllables when I got home from work, before she left me to bathe and feed our son once again as she got ready.

A bit of back story:
There's pretty much no social interaction between us anymore.  This is partly due to her and partly due to me.  She has done her best to avoid spending 1-on-1 time (even just chatting) with me for at least a couple of years.  When I get home from work, she disappears to a different part of the house to do bits of housework until it's time for bed.  Same at weekends: she gives me jobs to do and keeps either her or me busy enough so we never get the chance to talk.  And as she is so obviously not keen to talk to me, I'm not too inclined to talk to her.  

A while ago, I had asked her to have a talk about "us".  I explained that I miss her and that I wished she would spend time with me so that we can get to know each other again and fall back in love. I asked her to spend the evenings with me instead of going to bed early with our son.  She just replied accusingly, "You made me like this" and waited until I finished talking before going back to bed with our son.  

I do so much for her, particularly at weekends: I make her breakfast, I cook for her and her family, I do way more than my fair share of housework and childcare, I iron her clothes as well as my own (she always does just her own and leaves mine).  And I'm getting tired of doing all of these things for a "roommate" (and a roommate who doesn't even seem to like me).

[Dragon72]

Well the next test of my boundary enforcement capabilities has arisen.

Background: My wife is very sensitive when it comes to our son (3.8)'s health.  He's had lots of coughs and sniffles in the last year and she thinks that there is a major underlying health issue.  I think he's just a 3 year old child who picks up coughs and sniffles as a 3 year old boy does.  However I agreed to take him to an allergy specialist in a hospital and I have paid for lots of tests and medicines to try to establish whether or not he has allergies.  We are in the middle of trial periods on various medication and we're due to see the allergy doctor in early July to do a final round of tests to see if they can come to a diagnosis.

Yesterday my wife went to a baby shower with some very rich acquaintances who were speaking very highly of an alternative/spiritual medicine clinic where they encourage "holistic healing". It's expensive too.  My wife, convinced, booked a session there without consulting me first for Friday.  When I got home from work, she told me about it and asked me to  accompany her. 

I don't believe in alternative medicine.  I don't want to pay for it, especially as we're in the middle of expensive scientific medicine treatment (which I already think is overkill anyway).

So today I have to say to her how I feel and that I will not pay for it.  I am expecting a lot of emotional manipulation and guilt tripping and to be portrayed as someone who doesn't care  about the health of our son whom I love more than anything in the world.

[Dragon72]

This has been moved to the "Improving a Relationship" board. 

I'm really trying to improve my relationship with myself more than anything at this stage.  I'm trying to stand up for myself and enforce boundaries.  I'm done doing everything I can to try to keep her happy.

So far in this relationship, I have let my wife steamroller over everything I believe in and I have decided to try to stop letting her do that.  It won't result in an improvement in our relationship.

I should have put this on the Conflicted board, as I am just about at the stage where I want to call the lawyer to discuss the way out of this nightmare.

[Dragon72]

Yesterday, while at work, I sent her a message explaining that I didn't want her to take our son to an alternative medicine clinic like (she said the night before she wants to) at least until the current studies being done on him by his scientific doctor conclude in early July. I said I don't believe in alternative medicine although I understand her willingness to try it.  Currently our son is in fine health although he has had lots of coughs and sniffles in this his third year. I said that I think she is an excellent mother.

No reply all day.

When I got home, she was even more monosyllabic than ever, and quite clearly doing a passive-aggressive non-communication tactic.  She went to bed at 7.30pm as usual without saying a word. 

I'm living with two young children: a 3 year old and a 48 year old.

[Hopeful_Me]

Sounds like you do too much for her. Which, I believe, and my experience has shown, creates a lack of respect for you within her.

Stop cutting her meat - ifnall your affairs. Hold her to her own responsibilities, then you will have earned her respect. Then, perhaps, an adult relationship will form.

Boundaries - LOTS of boundaries - will help you create that.

Best wishes.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Dragon72,

It IS tough when partners do the monosyllabic communication. I'm sorry this is so hard.

I know what you mean about working on your boundaries having nothing to do with your wife, but I really do think setting boundaries can help some relationships. Firstly, because it makes you feel better about yourself and the situation, and secondly because it models a stability to your wife that may end up calming some of her fears, which trigger the acting out.

It looks like your wife isn't taking too kindly to your recent boundaries, which is to be expected. With time and consistency, this might change.

How do you feel now that you've communicated some of your limits to her?

heartandwhole  

[Dragon72]

It does feel quite good to be setting down boundaries. 

Although her reactions are causing me stress. 
Portraying me as the evil inconsiderate one.
Giving me the silent treatment.
Withdrawing affection (whatever affection is left anyway).

It's not a nice atmosphere at Chateau Dragon these days.  I positively hate Friday afternoons and look forward to Monday mornings.

What's more, next Friday is the start of my Summer vacation.  I'm a school teacher and I get 5 and a half weeks.  Most people would find that a delightful prospect.  I can already feel my blood pressure rising.