Writing on the wall?

[SCMan]

Hi All,

First of all, thank you for reading this and offering your perspective.

After returning from an international trip of 19 days last month, I told my gf of 3.5 years I wanted to marry her, never leave her and wanted to spend my life with her. She responded by suddenly asking for space (the night I returned) and stated the absence was "emotionally and mentally traumatic" and she "realized she no longer thinks of a future with me." Abandonment triggered. She asked for space and has twice said we are taking space. That was May 23.

We met shortly for a drink during first week of June. I went over there to try to talk to her a few days later. I last saw her on June 13th when I delivered a handwritten letter. Then, we went two weeks without any communication. When I was driving, she and her daughter happened to be in my rearview mirror. Later that night she sent me a rather mean article "The Wrecking Ball Soulmate You Need to Leave" which I kindly responded to stating there was no boogeyman and that I loved her. She appears angry now and many have told me not to contact her.

Knowing I'd be opening myself up for more rejection and knowing she's made NO effort to reach out to me since my return 5 weeks ago, what do I do? Keep the silence knowing she reads it as abandonment and codifies it as truth?

Thanks for your thoughts.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi SCMan, Welcome! 

I'm glad that you've joined us and are taking the time to examine your relationship with your GF on a much deeper level. As you observed, she seems to be reeling from a fear of abandonment and rejection. Here is a link to help you understand more about this:

What is fear of abandonment?

How are you feeling during this time? You've certainly invested much in this relationship of 3.5 years. What are your hopes and dreams for the two of you?

Wools

[SCMan]

Thanks, Wools.

I'm numb. I realize now I justify or rationalize red flags in a relationship in order to avoid difficult conversations/decisions about the health/longevity of the relationship. With her, I avoided this like the plague because of how much I love her. I was scared to death it wouldn't work out. And, so now, I'm numb and devastated.

She's told me lots of different reasons for the breakup including "When I see the future, I only see me. My house. My retirement. My home" and "When we didn't get a place together last fall, it was too late" and "I should've been doing jumping jacks when you got home, but I wasn't" and "You being gone was emotionally and mentally traumatic for me."

What to believe, right? The two weeks without contact seems to hardened her heart as she's pretty cold and dismissive of me now. Another guy?

I'm pretty crushed, know I need to work on me, and want a future/life with her, but if her heart is this hardened and I've become the perpetrator for all of the emotional abandonment she's experienced in life, I'm not sure she'll ever be back.

If I contact her, she'll have no motivation to dig into why she's made me the perpetrator. If I do contact, I'm then trying to control her thoughts, actions, and feelings after she's been quite cold.

Rock/Me/Hard Place