Trying to navigate through a breakup with my BPD partner

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi,
I've just come across this site looking for advice and help on navigating through the end of my relationship with my BPD partner. We've been living together for 2 years but have known each for 18 years.  No children but we do have a dog together, who is like our child.

Over the last two years there has been the sudden angry outbursts over seemingly nothing, the sudden unexplained need for distance and retreat (usually when things were going really well) and the lack of conversation and silence. It has been a rollercoaster for me. I'm 39, he is 50. He's resigned to 'this is how he is' and he won't get professional help. Neither of us have been feeling that fulfilled lately - I can articulate what that means to me, he can't. But a few days ago he blamed me for everything from his work pressures, financial stress, sickness, depression and that he wants out of the relationship... .this was all done via text as I was out of the house. He has refused to discuss it in person. Some really nasty things were said this time that he just can't come back from... .but he interspersed it all with reminding me how much he loves me, how much he loves our relationship, that I mean everything to him etc... .

For me, it was the last straw and I have technically moved out. He contacted me a few days later apologising for upsetting me, and wanting to meet up. When I refused, he then responded with reminding me that everything he said a few days earlier (the hurtful comments) he meant and it was all true... .and then reminding me that he loves me, that I'm his best friend etc.

The swinging and polarising comments and behaviour is so challenging for me. I love him, I love the good parts of our relationship and I miss those. But I know I need to move on, for me. It's just really, really hard to. We need to decide what to do with arrangements for our dog, and also working together (not every day but there's a working relationship there to consider too).

I am naturally very calm, peaceful... .I hate anger, agression, tension. So I feel a strong urge to reach out to him and calm the waters but I don't know if that's the right thing to do.

I almost died last year due to an illness and he was there supporting me and looking after me. He has been my pillar of strength in my recovery since and so it's hard to just cut that off, when there is so much history between us.

Sorry for the novel... .I don't really know all that much about BPD and I don't even really know who I'm speaking to on here but hoping someone out there might be able to give me some practical tips and advice on how to get through this. It's feeling very raw right now. And I miss 'us' (the good parts and the happy times) - it's taking everything I have in me not to just call him and say hi... .

Needing some advice... .

[Magokoro]

Hi,
I've just come across this site looking for advice and help on navigating through the end of my relationship with my BPD partner. We've been living together for 2 years but have known each for 18 years.  No children but we do have a dog together, who is like our child.

Over the last two years there has been the sudden angry outbursts over seemingly nothing, the sudden unexplained need for distance and retreat (usually when things were going really well) and the lack of conversation and silence. It has been a rollercoaster for me. I'm 39, he is 50. He's resigned to 'this is how he is' and he won't get professional help. Neither of us have been feeling that fulfilled lately - I can articulate what that means to me, he can't. But a few days ago he blamed me for everything from his work pressures, financial stress, sickness, depression and that he wants out of the relationship... .this was all done via text as I was out of the house. He has refused to discuss it in person. Some really nasty things were said this time that he just can't come back from... .but he interspersed it all with reminding me how much he loves me, how much he loves our relationship, that I mean everything to him etc... .

For me, it was the last straw and I have technically moved out. He contacted me a few days later apologising for upsetting me, and wanting to meet up. When I refused, he then responded with reminding me that everything he said a few days earlier (the hurtful comments) he meant and it was all true... .and then reminding me that he loves me, that I'm his best friend etc.

The swinging and polarising comments and behaviour is so challenging for me. I love him, I love the good parts of our relationship and I miss those. But I know I need to move on, for me. It's just really, really hard to. We need to decide what to do with arrangements for our dog, and also working together (not every day but there's a working relationship there to consider too).

I am naturally very calm, peaceful... .I hate anger, agression, tension. So I feel a strong urge to reach out to him and calm the waters but I don't know if that's the right thing to do.

I almost died last year due to an illness and he was there supporting me and looking after me. He has been my pillar of strength in my recovery since and so it's hard to just cut that off, when there is so much history between us.

Sorry for the novel... .I don't really know all that much about BPD and I don't even really know who I'm speaking to on here but hoping someone out there might be able to give me some practical tips and advice on how to get through this. It's feeling very raw right now. And I miss 'us' (the good parts and the happy times) - it's taking everything I have in me not to just call him and say hi... .

Needing some advice... .

[gotbushels]

Hi Magokoro   and welcome.

It's difficult to get into arguments with a partner whom we have loved over several years. It makes it more difficult when there is BPD involved. You're not alone here--you'll find people with similar situations to yours.

When a person is going through a lot of stress, that agitation can often show up in unexpected way or over nothing obvious. It's more confusing when things seem to be going well are met with distance. I realise that can feel like a rollercoaster. Adding to the issues are when blame for many inexplicable things get heaped onto the partner--as you're feeling. Sometimes when people have nowhere to run, they may start to blame people close to them for things where responsibilities aren't clear. This can show up more in relationships with a pwBPD partner.

I do appreciate that all of this is very confusing for you because of the mix of opposites with a lot of the things he's expressing and with those things you're experiencing. It gets even harder when we've relied on this person to recover from something very difficult for us.

I encourage you to visit the Acknowledgement step here:
https://bpdfamily.com/detaching/01.htm

Please do share how this develops for you. You can find support here.