strange behavior

[jinglebells1989]

I'm almost a year out from getting cutoff and for the most part am feeling a-lot better.

I often look back on the relationship from a different point of view now that I'm not fogged up.

One thing I want to ask you all about is a very specific thing this girl I was with used to do.

This only happened a few times. When I would confront her about a problem with the relationship that she was causing in an effort to help fix it, she would always say little to nothing and her eyes would water as if she was beginning to cry... .and then nothing. A complete shut down at that point and we'd always change the subject.

The more and more I look back on this 'relationship', the more things I think about like this that just aren't normal.

[roberto516]

Yeah I know what you mean. I remember trying so hard just to tell her things like "I feel upset." or "I have some concerns." But she would literally shut down. Wouldn't speak. Then I'd get more vocal with my tone so she would tell me to lower my voice. Which would start it all over again.

But in hindsight I see how her family is around her mom (who might be bipolar at a minimum). Complete shutting down and just kind of hiding from her until she calmed down. I can't fault her for responding to any perceived criticism this way. It's what she learned.

But I would literally remember telling her "can we talk about this stuff so we can work on it please?" and I would get nothing. Just complete silence. And if she felt some type of way she wouldn't try to talk about it. She would just hold it and hold it and allowed it to build as a poison to the relationship.

At times she would just smile and walk over to me and try to hug me or laugh. It always confused me. I'd sit there and wonder ":)on't you understand I'm trying to talk about us and my feelings?" But I guess for her it was a child like coping mechanism to make the bad stuff go away.

With your ex as well, as I assume, it is a defense mechanism. When I feel emotions I do my best to talk about them. I don't like holding it in. If you learned to cope  by not talking or expressing (combined with low self-worth and feelings that anything said is a criticism) it makes it dang near impossible to have a healthy conversation.

A lot of people's exe's here appear to be the more outwardly verbal and expressioned people. I think the quiet ones were the hardest to deal with. That silence was so frustrating and draining. Always wanting to go on a break or take time apart until everything blew over. There was no chance for real growth. At least if someone was yelling at me or coming right back at me verbally with their own thoughts there could be a chance to hear them and find a compromise. The silence made that impossible for me. So I feel what you are saying. I experienced it.

[Pulka]

This could be a defence mechanism.

For BPD there is no grey area, it's black or white. Likewise with communicating, if it's something that they feel angry/peeved about it can be released in two ways. Shouting or silence, preferably the latter as it's easier to shut off then to shout at someone you love and behave in a way that you are ashamed of.

The tears would be from frustration and bottling up the things they want to say, they're angry and want to tear you head off, yet a passive silent approach is much easier than to look into themselves and open up.

It's a maladaptive behaviour, but for them it's the lesser of two evils.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi jinglebells1989,

When I would confront her about a problem with the relationship that she was causing in an effort to help fix it, she would always say little to nothing and her eyes would water as if she was beginning to cry... .and then nothing. A complete shut down at that point and we'd always change the subject.

Could you expand on this with an example of how that conversation might have started?  It can be so frustrating wishing to solve something with a partner who seems unwilling to address things.  I could hazard a guess that it could be down to her feeling invalidated at a young age when she spoke about her emotions to the point where she simply felt unable to do so at all.  There could also be an element of overwhelming shame if she recognised what she had caused/inflicted by her actions, which can affect a pwBPD to the degree that they could shut down emotionally.  Then again there's the possibility that she was simply unable to see things from your perspective, as we know that a pwBPD believes what they felt was the way it was (eg I felt suspicious, therefore you must be cheating), as in 'perception is truth' - in the case of a pwBPD this would be 'feeling is truth'.  I guess it would be dependent on scenario as to which factor was overriding to create this response.

My ex suffered a great deal from shame for his actions, which translated into either self harm / suicide attempts or projecting anger out onto me in extreme ways.  Any attempts to really discuss relationship dynamics were seen as a personal attack on him and would be blown out of the water with a verbal onslaught at best.  His self loathing was the driving force.  I suppose like anything we look back on from our relationships the key question is what part did we play in this and what have we learned?  I certainly have a lot more empathy now for those who do struggle with their emotions - either through repressing/dissociating or dysregulating, as I understand that this comes from a place within themselves that isn't necessarily connected with what's going on in the present.  He would connect the dots so often and relate things back to past experiences that had been in some way traumatic and then act out accordingly in the only way he knew how.  If we look at the responses in this way, as they are responses to old hurts, it does give a different slant on the overall experience for us.  :)oesn't necessarily make it easier to handle at the time... . 

Love and light x